The Three C's: Connecting and Communicating at Christmas

A couple of weeks ago, I came up with an idea for a new Christmas blog entry in the guise of a social experiment. (By the way, it's my blog so I can say "Christmas". If you like, feel free to substitute "Holiday", "Hannukah", "Solstice" or whatever favorite politically-correct flavored spirit you choose to imbibe this time of year.)

The premise of this experiment was to navigate my way down through my list of 400+ Facebook friends to see if I could write each person a unique, sincere and heartfelt holiday greeting based on our own individual relationship with one another. Pretty cool, right?

Polishing off my old McDonnell Douglas 1987 Florida State Science Fair Recognition of Achievement plaque, I sat down to flesh out my social experiment's hypothesis. The control was easy enough: communicating with each "friend" about the holidays. The variables, however, proved to be a bit more challenging to manage:

How do you communicate something so simple, yet so personal to a diverse group of individuals from my various walks of life; many of whom, I dare say, I've had actual in-person contact with maybe two times or less and some I've never even met!

This roadblock caused me to reevaluate the focus of this idea. The need to ask myself a series of self-evaluative, introspective questions arose:

- Who are your Facebook friends?
- What is the personal and quantifiable impact and the value of their friendship with you?
- Is there marked crossover between your real friends and your Facebook friends?
- And at least two dozen more queries which left me tied in 6-inch ribbon curls.

I was about to throw in the towel on the whole project, when a series of events over the last 10 days or so lit a path of discovery and inspiration.

It started with the most amazing evening with one of my dearest friends from my days in the pageant business. If the dictionary had a picture next to the words "true friend" it would be her beautiful Miss Illinois headshot. She is truly the best gift I could ever ask for. Ever!

The next day I had lunch with a couple of family friends. Inbetween bites, I noticed some twenty-somethings at the next table "voice texting" on their iPhones, which just seemed strange to me. I couldn't quite place my finger on it so later than night I pulled out my cell and unearthed this incredible feature on my smartphone...called a TELEPHONE! I determined I could actually use this device to personally reconnect with people as long as I had this mysterious nine-digit code called a phone number. Weird, huh?

This past week I enjoyed lunch and exchanging holiday pleasantries, cards and gifts with a couple of my favorite business colleagues (by the way, giving is hands-down my favorite part of Christmas) and then had a blast hanging out, karaoking and ringing in the holidays with many of my Elgin peeps at one of my favorite nightspots, Villa Verone.

The breakthrough for me, however, came this week when during one of my social media-induced comas I noticed a former colleague and friend, who I keep in touch with through Facebook, posted that she was coming home for the holiday weekend. My first thought was, "That's nice. I should comment on her post that we should get together while she's home to catch up." Silly, right? Then it hit me!

...3...2...1...we have comprehension!

Who are your Facebook friends? Right sized question, wrong shaped syntax.

Perhaps the more pertinent questions we should be asking ourselves are "How are you currently connecting with your friends?" and "What barriers are preventing your Facebook friends from being actual friends?"

Okay, this is going to blow your mind but the answers to both questions are actually one in the same: Facebook.

During my attempts to flesh out this social experiment, I looked back at the year that was for me. Despite what I would consider to be one of the most fulfilling years of my life, I actually discovered some startling and disappointing things about myself.

I used the term "fulfilling" to describe my 2011 because I feel like I really came into my own professionally this year. I am in a place now where I have renewed confidence in myself and all of my abilities and feel comfortable enough with this sometimes amusing puzzle I call Jason to add several new and exciting components to my plate to achieve a nice life-work balance. In other words, I am feeling fulfilled and want more of it in 2012.

The problem for me is I haven't been "fulfilling" my responsibilities to my friends and more importantly, to myself.

Look, I am certainly not the only person in the world whose busy workload affects my amount of personal free time. Hell, just look at the lack of updated content in this blog!

For someone like myself, who really places an enormous value on a person's friendship, it really saddens me when I look back at this year and realize that I haven't done a better job in holding up my end of that two-way friendship street.

When I do get the occasional opportunities to put the brakes on my life to stop and take in the sights, how do I catch-up with and communicate with my friends...my actual friends? How do inject myself into their lives and they into mine?

A Facebook post
A direct message
A chat
A Tweet
A Retweet
A Flickr photo tag
An e-mail
A text

My increasingly frequent use of social media as a communicational crutch with my friends and colleagues has made me a bad friend and has done them a complete disservice.

Whether out of convenience to accommodate our busy lifestyles or simple ambivolence to the dynamics of relational connection, the accepted societal norms of how we communicate with one another have shifted from less personal to more social. Society's loss, I guess.

What's worse? As much as I decry this, I hate to say it but I've just been too busy to notice or do anything about it.

In the end, sometimes it's just easier to fire off a Facebook message than to stop the world and take time out for people. Well who said something as important as real friendship was supposed to be easy? If it was, we'd all be making thousands of friends with as minimal an effort as clicking a mouse or tapping a key. Now where have I heard this concept before?

We spend valuable minutes and hours of our lives seeing what the digital projections of our contacts in Cyberspace are doing but we can't take five minutes to call that same person to see what they're up to? That stops for me now!

My New Year's Resolution [feel free to insert bad joke here about how long that will last] is striving for more personal connection with all the people in my life in 2012.

Now as a self-professed social media junkie, am I'm going cold Twitter turkey or closing up the Facebook shop? Are you kidding me? Hell no! Not by a long shot! The fact is communication amongst friends, colleagues, business contacts, even family members has changed and we either adapt or we die. I don't know about you but I have a lot of living left to do so I've decided on the former.

I love how social media enables me to stay in touch with people I know, people I used to know or even complete strangers who are just plain interesting. I will continue to use tools like Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn among others to keep people abreast of what's going on in my life and check in to see what's going on in theirs. What I will no longer compromise on is the substitution of social media for relational connection with my friends.

Go back to my former colleague who came home for the holidays this week. In the past, I would have just commented on her post with a simplistic Christmas wish or perhaps some stupid, empty promise that we all have made before such as, "Hey! We should really get together soon," which we then, of course, never do.

The fact that I used Facebook as a means to successfully connect with her in person not only shows the value of social media as a tool in maintaining relationships but also reveals the true value of our friendship. That's what I want for my friends and for the important relationships in my life.

Birthday wall posts are great but if I value your friendship, this year you are going to receive a birthday phone call from me or at least an e-mail asking when we can go out to celebrate?

Should the need arise for me to discuss an important work or personal issue - whether its an idea I want to run past you, to get your advice on something or to tell you how I really feel about something - I'm going to make time for you in my schedule to talk with you in-person, face-to-face (your schedule permitting, of course) because I value and respect you and the impact your input can have on what I'm doing.

If I want to send "hugs" your way to tell you what you mean to me, I'll just come see you and hug you in-person over sending some spam-filled wall post from a convoluted Zynga-esque app.

And if for whatever reason you don't hear from me on any of the above, please call me to connect because it's awesome to know that you value our friendship together as well!

The point in all this is don't confuse communication with connection. Communicate with your Facebook friends. Connect with your friends.

Oh and despite the eventual failure of my overly-ambitious social holiday experiment, I am a man of my word. Although not personal to each of you, here is my Christmas wish (again, my blog so bite me PC holiday police) for all of my Facebook friends, which you can feel free to tag yourselves in:

Love and appreciate all of your friends, Facebook and otherwise, but cherish those who make your life so fulfilled by fulfilling their's with the best gift you can give: the gift of you.

Also here's a Christmas card for you with some of my favorite "hugging photos" of me and my friends. If you're not on here, then you need to grab a hold of me sometime this coming year so we can hug it out and take our pic for the Holiday Hugs Christmas Card 2012. I'll be waiting with arms wide open! :)

My Inner Carlin's Social Media Pet Peeves

That's it! I've had enough. I'm tired of holding him back.

Ever since my comedic mentor, the honorable Mr. George Carlin, passed away in mid-2008 I've found my writing to be less inspired, less focused, less free-flowing, less edgy. In more recent times I've found it lacking, searching, wanting - in need of direction.

This powerful little voice inside me that steered my writing for lo these many years has become muted by the reign of terror I have allowed the political correctness police to enforce upon my sensibilities. I call it my "Little Carlin".

Some people get cravings for chocolate or cheeseburgers. This guy inside me has insatiable urges to wish someone to get run over by a bus or request that some douche bag's wang get slammed in a credenza drawer repeatedly. In fact, he has literally been dying just to politely tell some random brain dead moron who can't handle something as basic as 4th grade spelling to kindly F*CK OFF!

That's the Carlin way! That's my way!

So I'm doing it. I'm letting little George out of his cage to play! My Inner Carlin is back and he's chomping at the bit to blog!

DISCLAIMER: Keep in mind when you read this, it is not in fact Jason speaking, so if you are offended I apologize in advance. He does not speak for me - I speak through him. My Inner Carlin is a dychotomy of my thoughts transcribed and reinterpreted by the spirit form of George Carlin. (To be fair and keep this a family show, I'll add the obligatory text-based bleeps to keep the temperature at a comfortable PG-13 level.)

We'll start little George out with a gigantic softball-esque type topic like Social Media Pet Peeves, and then work our way up to more challenging subject matter, like basic math, in the subsequent weeks to come.

Here are some examples of My Inner Carlin's Social Media Pet Peeves:

[Your FB Name] is attending [Facebook Event] with 6 other friends.

Never mind the fact that the event is in Intercourse, PA and you live no where even remotely close. And even if you did, you really have no intention on attending anyway - you just like to f*ck with people who need an accurate event headcount so as not to order too much cheese whiz for these ungrateful sh*ts.

The Annoying-Random-Tweets-From-Your-Followers-That-I-Could-Give-A-Crap-About Daily is out! Top stories from @CelebIveNeverMet @HotBabeIHaveNoShotAt @NerdlingtheReaper

All my life I've aspired to be a lemming. Whenever someone tells me I should do something, I do it because I want to belong. I just want you to like me. If you are a spineless worm like me and do stupid things people you barely know ask you to do just to ingratiate yourself to them, repost this as your status - even for just one hour. I know 99% of you won't but God be with you. Lemmings are people too!

[Your FB Name] Blahblahblah...status update...whatever...more words...blahblahblah
Then, immediately following your post...
[Your FB Name] likes this

Well of course you like it you split personality jerk-off! It's your own damn post! Did you post your status, reread it and then realize, "Y'know, that's a great point! I really agree with that! I'm going to 'like' this comment I just made myself." Are you that insecure that you need positive reassurances from yourself? One other thing...who gives a sh*t?

#Trying #Desperately #to #Get #My #Tweet #Noticed #Using #Every #Possible #Hashtag #Puppies #Idol #FF #JustinBieber #NoticeMe #Please

Like our Facebook page and help us get to our goal of 1,000 followers!

Great! Your page's current number of followers: 57. Gotta learn how to tie your shoes before breaking the world record in the 100-yard-dash, sh*thead.

Interesting! #Obnoxiouslylonghashtagthatnooneelsewilleversearchforinamillionyearsnexttoacompletelyinnocuousrandomquip

[Facebook Friend That You Met In Person One Time] has answered a question about you! Click here to reveal the answer.

Essentially a complete stranger has taken time out of their busy schedule not only to think long and hard about all your quirky little idiosychrosies, come up with a question AND the answer to said question and even had the courtesy to post it to your wall wrapped up in a pretty little spam-filled package...and you have the audacity NOT to open it? How dare you, you mistrustful prick!

[Random LinkedIn Network Contact - let's call him Frank] is asking for a recommendation.

Outstanding! Oh my gosh, Frank! Wow! Where do I even begin? No seriously, where the f*ck do I begin? I don't even know this mope. I met him at some lame-ass networking expo that I only went to just to get another branded thermal beverage mug. My recommendation would be for you would be to eat sh*t, kiss my ass and get a better resume!

What a fun night!

Do us all a favor, dickhead. If your cell phone camera sucks, go take a close-up of a horse's ass with it and tag yourself in the photo.

OMG! This is crazyyyyy! You won't believe who is viewing your profile! Click to see your Top 10 Stalkers!

First of all, if there are at least 10 people viewing my profile I'll take that as a friggin' compliment. Secondly, if you are in fact dense enough to blindly click on that kind of an ambiguous link (or some of it's evil bretheren like the "Facebook-finally-has-a-Dislike-button!") then enjoy that raging case of diarrhea you're sure to get after taking a giant bite out of that spam sandwich. Bon appetit, f*cker!

[Your Name] just checked in at the bank ATM on foursquare.
[Your Name] just checked in at the parking garage on foursquare.

I understand your empty little life just wouldn't be completely fulfilled if you didn't unlock the Urinal Cake Badge upon check in at the men's room sh*tter at Gas City but realize the following: 1.) This is the Internet - home to one billion predatory, uber-horny, little cyber-wigglers (and growing by the hour) and 2.) The primary recreational activity in life of most of these creeps, aside from making sweet love to the Old Navy circular, is stalking innocent boys and girls who are just that f*cking stupid enough to broadcast their every whereabout.

I just checked in at the bank! Good! I'll be right over to rob you of the cash you just withdrew. I'm in the parking garage! Awesome! I'm making my way there now to rob AND rape you! Oh and since I know the one place you're not - namely, AT HOME - after I'm done with all of that I'll head over to your house, microwave your pet hamster and steal the rest of your belongings. Time to unlock the Stop Being a Dumb F*ck Badge.

Hmmm. Not bad for Little George's first night out of "cyber purgatory". Let's do this again real soon!

The Price You Pay For Love

There are a lot of things in this world I don't like. I'm not a fan of pork or rap music. I don't care for horror movies and hypocrites. I hate needles and I am petrified of hospitals. But one of the things I despise most is pain. Whether its the pain of a paper cut on my finger or the pain of a bad toothache, I don't do well with pain.

For the record, 2010 has been one of the best years of my life with an incredibly rewarding and fulfilling new job complete with an amazing boss and great co-workers and colleagues, a Blackhawks Stanley Cup, and scores of wonderful new friends in the Elgin community. However, one of the most poignant things I will take away from this past year is the incredible sense of loss I've experienced - especially within the last half of this year.

In August, liver cancer claimed my former boss, who was a mentor and just like a second father to me. A week later I suffered the biggest heartbreak of my life. I lost my baby Pook, who not only was my best friend in the whole world and my most successful long-term relationship at 15 years - he was my child. That one-two punch of the pain I felt is impossible to describe and tough to relive.

Three months later I find myself experiencing the pain of loss yet again, but in a very unexpected way.

On Monday, my work colleague Patricia Keeney passed away from complications from Multiple Myeloma cancer.

Now I didn't know Pat that well on a personal level. In fact, I've really only known her through my work with the DNA for the past 9 months. I served on several committees with her, occasionally finding myself attempting to "reign her in" to get meetings back on point when she would go off on one of her "Pat"-ented tangents or firery soliloquys - and ultimately failing miserably in the attempt. :)

But that's also when I knew that I really liked Pat - not just because of her fiesty, straightforward, tell-it-like-it-is attitude and strong, passionate opinions but because in her heart she genuinely cared about how things affected downtown and she just loved to talk about it.

One night in late October after Pat had taken ill, I was working late at the office one night when I got a phone call with a familiar sounding voice on the other end. It was Pat calling in from her hospital bed. Although she sounded a bit weak she was still the same ol' Keeney. Of course, she wasn't calling to update us on her condition or anything like that. No, Pat wanted to talk business - specifically Window Wonderland business - so I gave her the lowdown on where we were with everything and what details we had finalized. I still remember telling her we had booked a horse and carriage for the event and her response was, "Far out man," which was followed by one of those priceless throaty Hahahahahahahahahaha's.

I was proud to call Pat my friend, in that we talked a lot and shared some laughs and good times, but to say I really knew her well (at least as well as some other Elgin-lifers did) would probably not be accurate.

Yet when the news came down on Monday night that she had passed, I cried. I cried a lot!

Granted this from a man (or should I say 37-year-old boy) who once cried just after an episode of The Simpsons and still can't keep from sobbing uncontrollably during any playing of the Jurassic Park theme but why now? Yes, I was sad over the loss of a friend and a colleague and a great woman but why this strong of an impact on me? Why was I feeling this much pain?

I received my answer tonight.

Just after 6pm, what seemed like the entire community packed into Keeney's Sporting Goods for a simple, impromptu "closing ceremony" for the store which was closing its doors for good. Person-after-person regailed the assembled crowd with stories and memories of Pat and as I listened to each trembling voice choking back tears of emotion, things just suddenly stopped for me.

I looked around this tiny little store at the tear-soaked faces and saw one common denominator: love. Love for a woman who meant so much to their community and as much to them as any family member - because that's what all of these people in downtown Elgin are to each other...they're family. Then it hit me. The price of love is grief and the remedy is sharing that grief with family, be they blood relation or something deeper.

From day one of my job, despite my living in Streamwood for most of my adult life, every person I have encountered in my job without fail has not only treated me like a part of the Elgin community but have often made me feel like family.

And that's not just true for me. That's for everyone!

Between everyone working 8-12 hours a day, 5-6 days a week here and then volunteering what leftover freetime you have into making downtown a better place, you end up spending more time with each other than you do your own families - thus making our downtown a family onto itself.

This is my family now too.

Yes, the pain I was feeling was my own pain of losing Pat but moreover it was sharing the pain of loss felt by members of my downtown family. People like Karin and Gentry Jones, Karen Haseman, Victor Gonzalez, Jerri McCue, Armida and Joe Dominguez, Laurie Faith Gibson-Aiello, Jennifer Almanza, and many others who were so close with her and thus shouldered so much of the burden during Pat's time of need.

These are family members to me and my heart is broken for all of them. Their tears and pain are my tears and pain TEN-FOLD and believe me I am feeling it now - and probably will even more so in the next two days. Did I mention I really don't do well with funerals either?

If there is a positive to be derived from all of this its that through this amazing person, Patricia Keeney, downtown became an even closer knit family.

Ironically I sit here blogging away while watching "Family", one of my all-time favorite episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and I'm sure I will, as usual, finish the episode with tears in my eyes because that's what I usually do. And try as I might, I'm sure I will be a wreck during my friend Patricia Keeney's funeral too.

But that's okay. I'll be with family - my downtown family.

* * * * * * * *

Oh, one last thing...speaking of tears.

Harkening back to my pageant days, one of the more rewarding duties I was able to perform for my pageant titleholders was the honor of putting together their Farewell Videos. Though a fairly trivial part of the actual pageant, it was vitally important that the videos be perfect, as it was my way of showing my love and respect for the new friend I had gained for that year of their service.

It was always a very emotional effort for me to put the videos together for the girls and a dozen times more difficult for me to make it through watching any of them without crying a river of tears.

So...in honor of the title bestowed upon her recently by one of her downtown colleagues and another of my downtown family members, Ray Maxwell, I give you my farewell video for Patricia Keeney - The Queen of Downtown Elgin.

I'll try not to cry...yeah, that ain't happenin'.

Click here to see "Patricia Keeney - In Memoriam"

My Twitter Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony

Back in the "Golden Age of Baseball", when the only performance enhancing drugs available to players were beer, hot dogs and hookers, there was the 500 home run plateau. When a hitter achieved 500 career home runs and earned membership into this ultra-exclusive club, induction into Baseball's Hall of Fame in Coopertown after his career ended was essentially a mere formality. Now, of course, Baseball's record book is a mockery of its former self; having been rewritten in syringes and "flack seed oil" by juiced up fakers and charlatans.

Still despite the 500 Home Run Club losing a great deal of that mystique, I still hold a great deal of reverence for the number 500 as a true symbol of accomplishment in one's life. If you think about it, really anything done at least 500 times in your career or your life is at the very least pretty darn good:

500 sales calls made.
500 envelopes licked.
500 toe nails clipped.
500 slices of cheese eaten.
500 trips to the bathroom.
It's all good x 500!

Well yesterday I accomplished something for the 500th time in my life and it only took a little more than a year to achieve! I am proud to say that I am now a member of the 500 Tweet Club.

Yes. I know it's hard to believe but it's true! For the 500th time, I took a brief moment out of my life to log onto my Twitter account and "micro-blog" some random life experience, insightful quip, interesting link or tasteless joke or, even better, "retweet" someone else's similar experience, quip, link or joke (though for the most part I do like to stick to my own material).

While I'm still cold to the whole "community conversation" notion that Twitter attempts to propagate to its Tweeters and probably will never fully realize or appreciate its true social media potential (unless my little "dumb phone" starts taking night classes and graduates to a smart phone), I do like the 140-character restriction as an effective means of organizing thoughts and words into one concise statement. I also enjoy the relative peace and quiet it affords you through the absence of friends' Farmville and Mafia Wars statuses cluttering up your News Feed.

So while we wait for them to break ground in Butte, Montana (or wherever they decide to put the Twitter Hall of Fame Museum) and I await my call from the Hall, I would like to share with you my "American Top 140" Tweets to date. The list is organized in descending order from most recent to my innaugural first few tweets from late 2008. Enjoy and thanks for the memories...

@jasonp27's Top 140 Tweets

Yeah! Grape Nuts with water. That was a brilliant idea moron!

Who would win in a fight: the giant volcanic cloud of ash or the smoke monster from #Lost?

Enough with the sad Subaru commercial already. I haven't cried this hard over a car's death since K.I.T.T. died.

#whenyoursingle #theresnothinglike #FF 2c #justinbieber get #kickass-ed in his #goldmansachs while #nowplaying #somebodytolove.

Ex-girlfriend calling me? Spent the evening at a sports bar with my "whipped" married friends watching hockey? OMG! It's 2004!

"You like me because you're delusional." Yeah, how many times have I heard that before? #Lost

What do you want to bet within 5 years there will be a Pulitzer Prize winning tweet or status update? Dusting off the mantle.

Two sure things in life: death and taxes. One down, one to go.

So little to do, so much time! Guess I'll go to bed.

When taking jabs at Obama's vast nuclear knowledge @SarahPalinUSA, 1st rule of Verbal Fight Club is pronounce nuclear correctly.

Way too zoned in. Typing calendar info 4 upcoming opera performance "Dido & Aeneas". I'll let u figure out my typos. Need a break.

My two favorite pitchers in the world are Mark Buehrle and Kool-Aid Man!

Tried hunting Easter eggs with a crossbow & a 12 gauge but alas they proved to be too cunning a prey even for this hunter.

http://twitpic.com/1civhw - Imagine if the results of the Google/Topeka prank were reversed & this city in PA won instead? I'm Feeling Lucky

Hot Tub Time Machine has been called, "So Stupid It's Brilliant". Yeah, I get that a lot too! Well at least the first half.

Warm weather = impromptu wet t-shirt contests for all of us blessed with man boobs.

Okay now there are 3 staplers on my desk and one of them is red. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I would watch V now but the alien chick leader Anna reminds me too much of another creepy alien monster I used to work for.

I can sympathize with Sun. I once hit my head on a cabinet edge & could only speak in Olde English for a week. #Lost

Palm Sunday...that's every day for me.

In honor of #EarthHour, I'll now be updating my Facebook status by smoke signals and Tweeting by telegraph.

#EarthHour? #EarthDay? I'm starting to think that Mother Earth may be a bit of an attention junkie.

Gus Johnson could call a game of Pong and make it sound exciting! This is THE BIG DANCE! Ha-HAAAA!!!

For some reason I have two staplers on my desk now...and I think they may be plotting against me. Tell no one of this.

The answers are coming. Yeah just didn't specify the answers would be en Espanol w/annoying subtitles! #Lost or is it Perdido?

Listening to a guy talking about how his pigs have a happy life right up to the day of butchering. Cant decide if im gonna cry or be sick.

A positive outcome from the HC reform vote: isn't it time for Rush Limbaugh to buy his 3 seats on Southwest & pack his bags for Costa Rica?

#Isitme or is Reese Witherspoon's chin beginning to resemble Family Guy's Peter Griffin's ball chin?

Sinbad you're fired. It's not like that's the first (or last) time he's heard that. Remember A Different World? #Apprentice

Lou Gehrig's Disease. Tommy John surgery. The Yankees even corner the market on medical maladies! Damn Steinbrenner & his money!

Need help filling out my 2010 Census form. Question #3: Squintier actress? Ashley Judd or Renee Zellweger?

More creepy? Taco Bell "Is that cool? Is that still cool?" http://bit.ly/8UhJAB or McD "Not till I've had my coffee" http://bit.ly/axq0MH

If #spring officially arrives at 1:32pm today it must be stuck on I-90 behind a CTA bus, a cement mixer & the Lost submarine.

Once upon a time...the end! #6wordstory

I now have 200 Facebook Friends. How do you celebrate that? I know 100 Friends is "paper". Is 200 Friends "cotton" or "China"?

My #StPaddysDay dinner: Corned Beef/Cabbage (burger w/corn niblets & lettuce-ran out of cabbage) & Soda Bread (bun dipped in Slice)

"So James, we just want you to do the voice." ROTFLMAO! #FamilyGuy

Tried subbing Frappuccino in my Rice Krispies. Trying for Cocoa-Krispies-with-a-kick but all I got was soggy, lumpy coffee in a bowl.

Said w/all due love & respect to the late great Merlin Olsen but do you think in lieu of donations people should send FTD flowers?

These guys may be Billionaires but there is one thing I do have that they never will...crippling debt. http://cptl.st/ayqMa7

Heard President Obama is hiring high tech Bounty Hunters to root out health care fraud. I hereby nominate Boba Fett and IG-88!

ABC7's Cheryl Burton needs to return the giant old Comiskey Park scoreboard pinwheels she is wearing around her neck to the Sox.

Happy National #grammarday! I definately hope they're ain't not any pour whether effecting you're celebrations loosers!

Last night I finally got up the courage to click Google's I'M FEELING LUCKY button. But I still woke up alone.

Just saw a commercial for Lee Majors Bionic Hearing Aid. I just want to know when u turn it on does it go do-do-do-do-do-do-do?

You've heard of burning the roast? Only my mom could manage to freeze the salad.

If the silverfish I just crushed in my bathroom was any bigger I could have mounted it on the wall & gotten a guest spot on Bassmasters.

Can't wait to start my new job on Monday as Promotions Coordinator for the Downtown Neighborhood Assoc of Elgin. #Follow @downtownelgin

Luv how @OzzieGuillen tweets read exactly how he talks. 140 chars def keeps Pinella from tweeting. We uhh..were going to eat and..and..and..

#thingswewantback from the #hcrsummit non-partisan politics to ensure better overall healthcare & #tosavemoney 4 all! Can I trend or what?

Can i use my score of leaving only 2 tees on the wood triangle game at cracker barrel in lieu of my sat & act scores on my college app?

Do you think the other outraged whales at Sea World are now considering forming AETP - Animals for the Ethical Treatment of People?

At Panera Bread listening to 2 women argue about which of their boyfriends are more worthless. Tell me why does single life suck again?

Russian ice dancers Domnina & Shabalin's "tribute to weed" costumes make me hungry for some White Castle sliders.

Disappointed to hear Sasha Cohen wasn't skating this year. Borat & Bruno in pairs coached by Da Ali G would be NIIIICE! Great success!

What am I giving up for lent? Giving up things for lent.

Just finished my last Tangerine Gatorade Rain. Now I know how people felt after their last bite of unicorn meat or free range leprechaun.

In the Winter Olympics there's no winners...only lugers.

Received good advice about how to best impress my sweetheart for Valentines Day from my Walgreens personal gift advisor: "Shop at Macy's!"

Ohhh...so <3 is a heart? And all this time I thought people who loved me were chastising me by saying I was less than the number 3.

Stupid Hallmark holidays. Just once in my life I'd like to be able to wish that special someone a Happy Presidents Day. Sigh.

People who live in glass houses probably don't sleep in the nude or keep their valuables in plain sight...unless the glass is tinted.

Guess I missed that whole earthquake thing. Then again I managed to sleep soundly next to my ex for 2 years and she was at least a 6.0.

How exactly is defunct 80s band Men at Work supposed to pay royalties now for ripping off "Down Under"? Do they accept Vegamite sandwiches?

Early odds on next years #superbowl: the smoke monster from lost vs this weekend's snowmaggedon.

12 mins of the who music? Isnt that like one song?

Were not here to bust your bubble. Were just here cuz were in deep financial trouble. #BoostMobile '85 Bears

To cut down on costs please combine phil simms and boomer esiason into one bleach blonde, incompetent football analyst.

If Drew Brees wins the Super Bowl MVP award will the giant eye-black looking mole on his cheek get to say, "I'm goin' to Disneyland too"?

So if the Saints win Mark Brunell gets a SB ring just for holding Garrett Hartley's balls all year? Seems kind of unfair to the kicking tee.

#superbowl prop bet: Over/under no. of total shots on goal in today's Pens/Caps game vs. no. of shots of Kim Kardashian's cleavage at SB.

#superbowl prop bet: What vegetable Shannon Sharpe's wardrobe combo resembles? Zucchini? Arugula? Radicchio? Don't ask him to pronounce it.

According to my friend's Super Bowl menu we are having a whole "crapload" of Buffalo Wings. Is crapload a metric unit of measurement?

More sad? Wasting a Sat nite backing up the contents of my life off my late laptop's hard drive or realizing my life only takes up 28GB?

Last wknd the Super Bowl of Pageants. Next wknd the Super Bowl of Stock Car Racing. Tomorrow is just the Super Bowl. Kind of a let down.

Praying that Roger Daltrey or Pete Townshend do not have Janet Jackson-esque wardrobe malfunctions during Super Bowl halftime show.

PHONE VOICE: Is Mrs. Pawlowski in? ME: Uh no. VOICE: Do u expect her soon? ME: Yes when Match.com stops matching me w/grandmas & other men.

Soon everyone will be reading the latest books on their iPads & rockin' out to their iPods while I'm still at home pulling my iPud.

Voted for Giannoulias, Krishnamoorthi & Spryopoulos because they probably paid by the letter for their campaign signs & could use the money.

Ok Flo Rida, 2 can play at this game! I just copyrighted the names: Illa Noiz, Arie Zona, Mrs. Sippy, Indie Anna, Color Otto & Miss Shegun.

I tried to open the web site apl.de.ap but all I get is banner ads for German porn. Do I need to download the new version of Mozilla?

When Queen Elizabeth passes does Lady Gaga or Lady Antebellum claim rights of succession to the throne?

I did not care for the Bon Jovi tribute band that played at The Grammys tonight. Sounded nothing like them.

Love me some Taylor Swift but seriously Album of the Year? Was she even born when the last album was pressed? Do the Oscars award Best VHS?

Honeyboy Edwards wins a Lifetime Achievement Grammy. Later he will trade in his statuette for a tuna fish sandwich & a bowl of soup.

Grammy Prez: "What if someone said to you I really appreciate your work but I can't afford to pay you for it?" Every day of my life dude.

Andrea Bocelli could sing the breakfast menu at Denny's and it would still sound beautiful.

Is Kanye going to run up on stage now & take away the Grammy from himself & Rhianna since his song w/Beyonce was the best song eva?

I put on my 3D glasses for the Jacko #grammys tribute & thought I got poked in the eye by Celine Dion's nose and Jennifer Hudson's gams.

Miss America could take a lesson from the Grammys. Instead of the loser lounge cast each non-finalist into Gaga's firery "REJECTED" pit.

Lady Gaga! So that's where all my old hula hoops went! My mom told me she threw those away!

Enjoying a little mexican...wait, that didn't come out right.

Is it possible to be tri-polar? Highest highs, lowest lows and most middle-of-the-road middles?

To trump Dominos, Little Caesars said they will upgrade to a thicker grade of cardboard & now use Heinz instead of Hunts for sauce.

With hometown Saints vs fave son Peyton Manning in Super Bowl, New Orleans has moved up Mardi Gras by 2 weeks and cancelled Lent.

A friend asked if I wanted to see Avodart this weekend? Said thanks but just not into seeing medicine for enlarged prostates in 3D.

#youknowurescrewed When you and your spouse have multiple children of different ages. You've obviously re-screwed.

Conan gets $45M to leave a job? And here I am always getting fired for free!

My pot called the kettle black and now that has triggered racial tension in my kitchen cabinet.

If the right views Scott Brown's win as a vote against Obama shouldnt he feel like a tool? A GOP ham sandwich could've ran & easily won too!

No new litters of guppies in my fish tank lately. Guess my males are losing their sex drive. Must be something in my house's water.

A year ago it was "Change We Can Believe In". Now its "The more things change the more they stay the same". The audacity of hope indeed.

You know you're out of shape when it takes you four tries to break apart a Kit Kat.

To supplement my income I'm buying a Samsung projector phone & showing IMAX movies on my giant forehead.

So now that Kraft has acquired Cadbury does that mean their chocolate creme easter eggs will now be filled with Velveeta?

As seen on a Walgreens sign today: "Get Your H1N1 Today". Bad proofreading or overly ambitious store promotion gone awry?

Just listened to a fascinating debate on which 80s video game icon is more gay: Q*Bert or Dig Dug? My money is on Dragon's Lair Dirk.

I'd call Rush Limbaugh a douche bag but that would soil the good name of all the other douche bags in the world.

More likely? Actually losing weight on the Taco Bell diet or the woman taking your drive thru order not having hairy arms?

If the Doomsday Clock "springs forward" an hour during daylight savings time I guess we can all drop those New Years' resolutions now.

I suppose McGwire thinks Rod Blagojevich wished he had never been governor during the pay to play era? The era didnt inject you w/roids Mac!

Chicago has the rock & roll mcds. Rantoul has the 80s power ballad mcds.

My motto for 2010: Everyone you encounter in life is a light switch. Happiness & success comes in knowing who to turn on & who to flip off.

Mr. Pres, how many dots need connecting when terrorists are now resorting to basically lighting their own farts to try to blow up planes?

Sign on gas station marquee in Elgin: "Ho Made Soup - $1.99". Yummy! Think I'll start my New Year's diet now.

The weather outside is frightful & this job would be so delightful, but with my self-esteem so low, they told me NO, told me NO, told me NO!

So much for having Tina Yothers in the "Which Family Ties Star Comes Out of the Closet First" Pool.

"The man you'd be supporting can be a control freak & a micromanager. Ever worked for anyone like that?" HAHAHAHAHA! No...never!

If it's 7 years bad luck for breaking a mirror is it 7 years/70,000 miles when you break a car's side view mirror?

There is not enough antimicrobial soap in the world to sanitize my eyes after that Adam Lambert performance at the AMAs. Still not clean!

Lady Gaga on the AMAs looked like Madonna up-chucked so hard she turned herself inside out & then hung Xmas lights on her ribs.

Had green beans, lettuce & Sierra Mist. Now I've been "going" green off & on for the last hr. So much for decreasing my carbon footprint.

I now employ the Twitter mentality to my spoken word conversations. You get 140 characters and then we're done!

Slip of the tongue by NBC5's Dick Johnson on the Sunday night news: "A CT woman who was attacked by a friend's 200 lb. pimp..."

Someone please give George Lopez a Ricola. Sounds like he's gargling pennies & broken walnut shells.

Squirrel pageant. 2 squirrels walked up & down my screen door like a runway. The 1st one clearly was a squirrel pageant patty.

What kind of twisted person mixes M&Ms w/Reeses Pieces & Skittles all in the same bowl & has the gall to pass them off as just M&Ms? Sicko!

Yanks & Phils. World Series match-up or a set of instructions on how one goes about making a deposit at a sperm bank? FOX would air either.

I don't always drink juice boxes...but when I do...I prefer Capri Sun Tropical Punch. Stay thirsty my friends!

Bad food award: black taco. Then Kanye would say, "Ima let you finish but the Pulled Pork Slider that Beyonce ate was the worst food eva!"

With every Beatles song now being used in TV commercials, I think the next one will be, "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends"

Soooo busy today I think I reversed the flow of time like Superman did...Superman like time of flow the reversed (uh oh, it happened again)

Watching that whole balloon boy saga unfold really gave me a taste for Jiffy Pop popcorn.

Dear NFL: cool it with the throwback jerseys! Denver's uniforms look like the old San Diego Padres threw up on the old Vancouver Canucks.

Cucumbers and waffles for dinner...won't someone please cook for me?

And here I thought Twitter was where your heart goes when Brad Pitt or Megan Fox walks in a room.

March Badness

It's that time of year again! March is the time when Brackets become more than just obscure punctuation. At this Big Dance, Cinderella trades in glass slippers for sneakers and the Belle of the Ball does not always get One Shining Moment. In March, 16 is Sweet but 4 is much more!  And the only cure for this Madness is hoops, hoops and more hoops!

Yes, the NCAA Basketball Tournament begins again next week and for the ensuing three weekends a great majority of the nation will be fixated on all the excitement leading up to the Final Four and the wholly anti-climatic Championship Game - the winner of which receives what is essentially a lovingly Swiffered piece of driftwood that passes for the sport's National Champions trophy.

All hyperbole aside, the crowning of the winner or really which teams are even selected, are both a moot point to most Madness Mavens. The true appeal of this tournament occurs well before the first Thursday morning game even tips. That is when the match-ups are announced on Selection Sunday and the process begins of  filling out one or more brackets (or in some cases, several more) in your office pool by systematically picking the winners of each of the four Regionals' games all the way through the Championship Game.

My thought (and for the record it's not an original one as Terry Boers and Dan Bernstein of The Score WSCR 670-AM have patented and perfected a similar idea over the past few years called the "Tournament of Bad") is to take the Bracket model of the NCAA Tournament and apply it to things in my own life - such as my many personal pet peeves - then set the match-ups, fill out the brackets and let the fun begin!

In the interest of time, we'll pare the field from 64 to 16 (Top 15 seeds plus the winner of the two teams in the "play in game").

First in the "play-in game", with the right to face the #1 overall seed on the line, we have "White chocolate" versus "P90X".

BREAKDOWN: White chocolate may possibly be one of the most horrendous things you could ever voluntarily put in your mouth. The fact that the selection committee relegated it to the indignity of playing its way into the field of 16 should be motivation enough.

I'm still not entirely sure what P90X is or what it does. The first time I saw a commercial for it I thought it was a new video game system rather than a fitness program. Since then I have seen a million more commercials for it and every one of their paid spokespeople that I have heard from swears by it - which is reason enough for me NOT to use it.

WINNER: Too vile to be denied - white chocolate advances!

The #1 seed is "Arrogant asswipes who take up more than one parking space" against the #16 seed "White chocolate".

BREAKDOWN: A true mismatch in every sense of the word. White chocolate may be akin to eating semi-sweet soap but these smug D.B.'s who feel entitled to an extra third of parking room on each side of their gas-guzzling, rim-spinning 4x4s or Humvees are in a league of their own and certainly have the advantage here.

WINNER: Parking space asswipes in a rout.

The #2 seed is "The month of February" versus the #15 seed "The 101".

BREAKDOWN: Similarly constructed teams in so far as both really offer nothing of value really to anyone. Think about the month of February from an entertainment perspective. With the exception of the Super Bowl being played during February's first weekend (which is only a recent phenomenon after always being played at the end of January forever) there is a whole lot of nothing. Oh wait...this year we had the Winter Olympics. Okay, I stand corrected...less than nothing. TV shows? Reality garbage and reruns. Movies? Note to Motion Picture Association of America: If a film is released in February, please assign the rating of "B" for Bad. Between cheesy date flicks whose sole purpose is to showcase mismatched, rotating ensemble casts of beautiful people (She's Not That Into You, Valentine's Day, etc.) or blood-curdling, capricious violence-for-violence's-sake slasher movies (Hostel, Saw, The Crazies, etc.) that all will be released on Blu Ray by Easter, it's easy to see why February is the shortest month of the year for a reason.

The 101 (also known as Channel 101 on DirectTV) is essentially the Goodwill store of satellite TV. We have 24-hours of dayparts to fill - we'll take anything. Programming consists of network shows on life support (Friday Night Lights, etc.), "exclusive concerts" by no-name Indie bands or has-been pop performers and watching live radio talk shows as they happen.

WINNER: The 101 keeps it close but February's depth (or perhaps lack thereof) helps it pulls away in the second half.

The 3 and 14 match-up pits "Alternate sports jerseys" against the upstart "Energy efficient light bulbs".

BREAKDOWN: Back in the summer of 1990, I attended "Turn Back the Clock Day" at the old Comiskey Park, in what I believe may have been the first team sporting event (at least locally anyway) to showcase the concept of "an alternate jersey". In that particular game between the White Sox and Brewers, the South Siders donned vintage replica jerseys to pay homage to the infamous Black Sox team of the late 1910's. The idea became a hit and since that game, I have noticed a resounding proliferation of "third" jerseys popping up all over the sporting landscape...and sometimes "fourth" and "fifth" ones as well! I realize this all comes down to marketing and merchandise sales but come on! How many jerseys do the Cleveland Cavaliers fans or the Oregon Ducks football team need? I'll turn on my TV and half the time I don't even know who I'm watching!

I'm all for eco-friendliness and saving money on my electric bills. I'm also all about being able to actually see when I turn on a light in my house and I have yet to encounter an energy-efficient light bulb that offers much more luminescence than your average birthday candle.

WINNER: The bulbs match the competition's energy for 40 minutes but in the end the jerseys' confusing offensive style wins out.

#4 "TV Shows that have 'jumped the shark' in 2009-10" takes on #13 "Foursquare".

BREAKDOWN: The term "jumped the shark" is a reference to an episode of the hit 1970's TV show Happy Days when Fonzie jumps his motorcycle over a shark tank as a promotional stunt on the show. From that moment on, the quality of the subsequent episodes just seemed to lack that same spark that made Happy Days so popular to begin with. Beloved, successful TV shows that seem to have "stopped trying", "run out of new ideas" or worse yet, try new "gimicky" ideas or tweeks with casting that more often than not blow up in the shows' producers' faces are considered having "jumped the shark". The Simpsons "jumped the shark" around 1999 (yet somehow Fox has managed to continue to produce new episodes for another 11 seasons and counting). Lost "jumped" two seasons ago but at least had the forethought to recognize that fact and end on a higher note this season. American Idol got "shark bitten" last season with the addition of the fourth judge, Kara. This season's unfortunate victims of these unprovoked "shark attacks" sadly include some of my personal favorites: 24, Entourage and The Office.

Because my cell phone is a "dumb phone", in that it can only make phone calls and text, I have not yet been privileged to take advantage of all the wonderful "apps" that have enriched the lives of so many. Through my various interactions with people I know via Twitter and Facebook, I recently became aware of a new, emerging social media technology called Foursquare; which during one's travels gives the user the opportunity to "check in" at various places along their route such as a restaurant or other public places. It also turns the game of life into an actual game whereby one can earn points and rewards merely for going to these places. I have no problems with any technology that encourages people to actually leave their house. What I do have a problem with is letting the world know that I have in fact left my house - essentially alerting anyone in your social media sphere of influence not only that I'm not home (so come on by and ransack the place) but here's where I am now so come and stalk me afterwards.

WINNER: In an upset, the #13 seed knocks off the #4 seed. Bad TV just can't compare with the ammunition Foursquare affords the creepy.

The #5 seeded "Bad grammar - especially from college educated people" gets the #12 seeded "Justin Bieber".

BREAKDOWN: Any other year, bad grammar would have been a unanimous #1 seed. Like styrofoam nails on a wet chalkboard, bad grammar is the last true litmus test to effectively weed out the stupid. Cause weather or not you conquer, they're definately ain't not nothing worst then to half to here alot of pour grammer! Its enough to make you loose you're witts! Blech! I need a shower! And sadly the individuals that really have no excuse for their diarrhea of the mouth and pen because of the constant scrutiny their grammar should be receiving - namely college students - are the biggest offenders. So am I possibly growing more patient and temperate of such transgressions? Hell no! I've just come to realize what everyone else with a college degree probably already realized: you don't need to be smart to graduate college. College students are just as dumb as anybody (which gives me hope that one day I too can be a college graduate!) But please people: Their (possessive), There (a location) and They're (contraction for "they are") are pretty easy to distinguish from one another. I know the ass-backwards apostrophe usage of it's (contraction for "it is") and its (possessive) flies in the face of every logical bone in your bodies...get over it and use it properly!

If you have never heard of Justin Bieber, don't fret. I only became aware of him within the last few months. However, if you are on Twitter for any marked length of time during the day and claim you have never heard of him, I'm afraid a vision test may be in the offing for you. Twitter just recently celebrated its 10 billionth tweet and I'd have to guess that at least half of those referenced this latest teen pop music "flavor of the month" in one form or another. Bieber spends more time atop the Twitter Trending Topics list than his music has atop the pop charts (they still have those, right?) Can't I just have one Bieber-free day of tweeting?

WINNER: Bad grammar pulls away late after Bieber fouls out for too many Twitter hash tags.

An interesting match-up to watch at the 6 and 11 spot where #6 "We Are The World 2010" tangles with "Whiny Generation X'ers who bitch about the Millennials taking their jobs."

BREAKDOWN: This is going to sound deeper than intended but attempting to catch lightning in a bottle a second time can result in being badly burned. Remember Woodstock '99? Good. Neither do I...and that's the point. You can't recreate a once in a lifetime moment even with the most noblest of intentions! The idea behind We Are The World 2010 - raising money for the victims of the Haiti earthquake by bringing together the entertainment industry's finest and attempting to recapture the magic that the original song generated a quarter century earlier - seemed like a great idea on paper but to say it was poorly executed would be a gross understatement. I admit my take on this may be biased given my penchant for hating on most modern pop music but this electronically bastardized incarnation of the song I feel not only cheapens the lasting impact of the original but also waters down the broader objective behind it which is helping people in need. So now what? When do we get the Chilean remix to help those poor people? Yes, the money raised from the song's proceeds is a great thing and I'm not poo-pooing the effort. I'm saying for an industry supposedly built on creativity, all the entertainment industry knows how to do well is recycle and rebrand old ideas.

Millennials are the 18-29 year old young adults bent on world domination through their idealism, motivation and their ability to organize and affect global change through their Blackberries and iPhones. They are by far the most educated, socially conscious, tech savvy, coffee-drinkingest generation to date. They know nothing of a life without the Internet, cable TV or cell phones. They are the future right now and there is a perception out there amongst the unemployed that Millennials may be unintentionally turning the dirt on a lot of Generation X and their hopes for career stability or even gainful employment. After all, why hire a 30-something, technically adroit, college graduate with 7+ years of direct experience when you can hire a 20-something MBA who can do it for a lot cheaper salary and with less professional baggage to unload? Well guess what? I'm a Gen X'er and I'm here to tell my bretheren that if you don't like your situation...change it! I did, I'm continuing to do so, and I'm never going to stop doing so! When I kept losing out on jobs I realized I needed more education - so I'm getting it now! I needed more skills - so I'm building them now! Quit your bitching about being part of some lost generation that society turned its back on! Geez. Don't hate on the Millennial kids and don't hate on yourself. You control your own life! Go do something with it! My only complaint about the Millennials is that I wish they'd stop calling me "sir". I'm only 6-7 years removed from your little coffee enema club, you know?

WINNER: An ugly game but in the end We Are The World 2010 issues a resounding beat down of my whiny X gamers.

#7 seed "Jewelry on men" meets the #10 seed "Beauty pageants".

BREAKDOWN: I totally appreciate jewelry as a fashion accessory. It can add that finishing touch to tie together a sharp outfit or make a bold fashion statement...FOR A WOMAN! Come on guys! Seriously! What screams, "NOTICE ME, PLEASE!" more than working the shimmering, gaudy gold Herringbone bracelet, sporting those gothic hoop earrings up and down one's ear lobe or rocking the 2" thick sterling silver Figaro chain with the big cross nesting in your chest hair? Jay-Z, Eminem and Tony Soprano can pull off that look. You can't...so just stop already! And if you are wearing jewelry for religious reasons, can you at least do us the courtesy of keeping it tucked into your shirt and out of plain view? Leave the bling to the babes and if you want to get noticed try growing a personality.

Ah, where to start? Okay, deep breaths...beauty pageants. As most of my pageant friends come from the Miss America system they probably will take little offense to criticisms of beauty pageants since Miss America is, after all, not a "beauty pageant" but rather a "scholarship organization". (Yes, and watching the majesty that is a presentation of honorariums to worthy students by a leading scholarship provider is must see TV!) To borrow a trite pageant cliche, it is what it is! Stop trying to hide from what you are! Miss America is a beauty pageant and a great one at that...or was until they took the pageant out of it and obfuscated the beauty portion with the notion that she also needs to be an impossible dychotomy of Stephen Hawking, Beyonce and Mother Theresa, all in a futile effort to separate themselves from their competition: the dreaded Miss USA Pageant - where Beauty is Queen and Dumb is King...or so the media coverage would have you believe (Carrie Prejean, Tara Conner, Miss Teen SC, etc.)

Okay, tangent time! Need a 20-second time-out here ref! I realize this may be pageant blasphemy but in this world of Sprint eating Nextel or PNC eating National City, isn't it about time for a merger between these two organizations? Combine both pageants into one by retaining the Miss America name recognition while leveraging the Miss USA TV cred. Let Donnie Trump and Artie McMaster fight over the profits and who gets which chair in the boardroom. Drop this ridiculous fundraising requirement (masquerading as "not an entry fee") for contestants that almost seems to border on money laundering and drives away a number of young women from competing. Encourage the community service aspect but don't make it a factor in judging. Retain talent to go along with interview, swimsuit and evening gown but weight them equally at 25%. The scores (which will be shown on TV), not the Final Ballot, determine the winner. Background checks will be administered to all contestants to ensure no unexpected "surprises" emerge. In addition to prepping for the Miss Universe pageant, the focus of Miss America's year will be less on promoting organizational causes and more on rebuilding brand recognition - especially amongst the younger generation of girls who hold the fate of this pageant's future in their hands. State organizations will be overseen by Miss America "regional governors" and will serve solely in a support capacity to help prepare the state titleholder for Miss America and see to her business and public affairs. Scholarships will be awarded to state titleholders but will be funded by the national organization. No more scandals, no more reality shows, no political or personal agendas, no pageant judges with ambiguous judging criteria! Just one pageant where the prettiest, most stylish, most intelligent and most talented contestant is named Miss America...period. Now, let's talk about the putrid Toddlers and Tiaras crowd...oops...time-out is over! Another time perhaps...

WINNER: Oh yeah, almost forgot. Jewelry on men takes it after an exhausting quadruple-overtime battle of attrition over beauty pageants.

And our final first round match-up: #8 "Idiot drivers that pull out in front of you at the last second" vs. #9 "Preseason sports"

BREAKDOWN: Tell me if this has happened to you before...in fact, scratch that. Only tell me if this has NEVER happened to you before. You're driving along on a normal stretch of road at a normal, possibly even above-average rate of speed (not quite Tony Stewart but certainly not Aunt Bea). As you come up on a side street that intersects with the main road, you notice another car pulling up to the line to stop and wait for its opportunity to turn onto or merge into traffic. Unfortunately that genius behind the wheel decides to come to a rolling stop (or not stop at all) and quickly makes their move into traffic while squealing their tires and essentially cutting you off, sometimes at a distance of less than a few car lengths, knowing full well you will stop because in their minds, "He sees me."  Despite all of the above referenced reckless behavior, for the most part, I actually don't even have much of a problem with it! It's when they go through all the hassle of speeding out into traffic to avoid getting stuck behind perceived slower cars and then decide themselves to slow their roll and ride the brake pedal for another 1/2 mile. Oh, it's okay to cut someone off and nearly cause an accident but I better take it slow out here. I'm driving on 3 speeding tickets! All these people should be cast into asphalt mixers and used to fill the various cavernous potholes throughout the city.

Training camp, spring training, midnight madness - these glorified exhibitions of calestenics, lay-up lines and playing pepper can only mean two things: the regular season is right around the corner...and meatheaded fans are bound to elevate someone into the Hall of Fame before camp breaks. It happens every year! In fact, I gave it a name. I call it the Gary Scott Award. Scott was a can't-miss phenom third base prospect with the Cubs in the 90's. One spring training year he hit around a .500 clip with a half-dozen home runs and bundles of RBIs off of mostly Triple A pitching while catching everything in sight at the hot corner. Rather than risk quelling his momentum by sending him to the minors for more seasoning and further alienating the impatient fan base, the Cubs brought him north with the big club when camp broke. Over the next three weeks Scott went onto hit less than a dollar and change, was sent back to the minors and was never heard from again. There's always a Gary Scott or a Lyle Mouton or an Autry Denson or a Tyler Arnasson who rocks the preseason that liquored-up fans immediately gravitate to and elevate to legendary status before these kids have even had a chance to fail. Then when you do get a Patrick Kane or a Gordon Beckham who lights it up from the word go, that just adds more fuel to "the fire and the passion" of these sporting dopes pining for this rush to annoint greatness. Aside from that, the preseason is as meaningless, and often as entertaining, as a team groin-stretching session and has no bearing whatsoever on how successful your team will be when the games do count. The fact that team owners are able to successfully milk additional dollars for tickets to these games from the collective teet of some of these fans really does boggle the mind.

WINNER: None. (Kind of like WarGames after JOSHUA realizes the futility of Global Thermonuclear War.) Both teams are deemed equally bad and therefore we have a draw! Both are eliminated to be replaced with a new #8 1/2 seed "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve"

Now the Elite Eight features:

#1 "Arrogant asswipes who take up more than one parking space" vs. #13 "Foursquare"

Cinderella's carriage ride ends here as arrogant asswipes are definitely "the Mayor of this match-up".

#2 "The month of February" vs. #8 1/2 "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve"

I don't know which is scarier: the pasty white corpse of Dick Clark or the pasty white, permanently botoxed corpse of Ryan Seacrest. That's a one-two combination that is tough to reckon with. February is history!

#3 "Alternate sports jerseys" vs. #7 "Jewelry on men"

Combine the two into men wearing jewelry and alternate sports jerseys and you've got next year's National Champion. In the meantime, jewelry on men moves up in class and knocks off alternate sports jerseys.

#5 "Bad grammar" vs. #6 "We Are the World 2010"

Going "nails on chalkboard" here. The filanthropic principals of We Are the World 2010 have no affect on bad grammar. I know...I'll stop now.

Then in the National Semifinal...also known as the Final Four:

#1 "Arrogant asswipes" vs. #8 1/2 "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve"

Somebody please alert Dick Clark's next of kin that he lost...and also that he died about 10 years ago.

#5 "Bad grammar" vs. #7 "Jewelry on men"

Close one but no bling for jewelry on men this season!

And in the Championship Game...congradulations (sorry, I couldn't resist) to "Bad Grammar" - your 2010 March Badness National Champions!

Now what do we do about filling the N.I.T. bracket with the Badness also-rans?

Anyone excited about a match-up between "Starbucks that don't accept Starbucks gift cards" vs. "Thousand Island dressing" or "People with more than 2,000 Facebook friends" vs. "Teeth whitening banner ads"?

Retweeting History

First of all, I know. I've been lax in keeping up with "My Piles". Won't happen again. Now, our feature presentation...

PREMISE: Assume for the moment that time travel not only is a distinct possibility but a genuine probability right now. Assume also that the adverse side effects of propelling a human being backwards through time, such as one's molecules spontaneously combusting by exponentially increasing their own personal acceleration by a factor of ten times the speed of light, have also been "taken care of" (and not by our good engineer friends at Toyota either). Further assume that it is possible to introduce what essentially would be alien technology to our more formative cultures without fundamentally altering the...okay, nuts to this science fair mumbo-jumbo!

I want to take social media back to the past to follow history's greatest Tweeters and Friends. Got it? Work with me on this people.

Just imagine how different the post-Civil War era might have been if Ford's Theater had Wi-Fi. History might record that as John Wilkes Booth prepared to make his move into President Lincoln's theater box, he drew his trusty Deringer from his suit jacket pocket and as he prepared to fire...his mobile started blowing up with:

"JWB?"
"Sup?"
"Where u at?"
"We hangin 2nite?"
"Text ittttt"

By the time he responded to all of his crew, the play had concluded and the President's entourage was well on their way back to the White House. As he exited the theater, frustrated by distraction, he updated his Facebook status as: "Sic Temper iPhonus".

Matchmaking websites have certainly had their fair share of influence on writing the stories of many couples but could it help rewrite the story of history's original couple?

After God created man and woman, he then wired The Garden of Eden with 3G Wi-Max. One day Adam signed up for eHarmony.com and within minutes he received his first match. He kept searching for others but was becoming increasingly frustrated by the number of matches he was receiving...one. "How many women are on this site?" he asked.

Then after God created Free Communication Weekend, Adam uploaded a younger-looking profile photo, lied about his age and changed his Interests to: "Eating Fruit" and "Rebelling Against Authority" and he and Eve lived happily ever after in sin.

During Revolutionary times, Twitter certainly could have saved Paul Revere, or more specifically his horse, a lot of wear and tear on his historic ride.

SamuelAdams Thanks Paulie! RT @Paul_Revere The Red Coats are coming!

NHaler 5 Ways to Identify a #RedCoat http://bit.ly/ohj439 RT @Paul_Revere The Red Coats are coming!

GeoWash RT @Paul_Revere The Red Coats are coming!

JPJones Aw snap! RT @Paul_Revere The Red Coats are coming!

SybLud1776 RT @Paul_Revere The Red Coats are coming!

What about the mystery behind the identity of the notorious Deep Throat during the Richard Nixon Watergate Scandal? It took nearly four decades to discover that William Mark Felt, Sr. was in fact Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein's "source" that blew the roof off the investigation of the Nixon White House. Although some still dispute that finding, Deep Throat could have easily been outed a lot earlier.

Imagine Woodward and Bernstein calling for another midnight clandestine meeting with their "source". As the two arrive at the Manhattan parking garage, they are met by a cadre of Secret Service agents and CIA operatives with a dejected Deep Throat in custody in the back of a black van. The two reporters later log into Foursquare and discover that just prior to midnight DeepThrt4Evr checked in, earned a "Crunked Badge" and "became the Mayor" of that parking garage.

As for the secret Nixon recordings, those would have been on YouTube faster than you could say G. Gordon Liddy.

The original Colonies' desire to assert their freedom from the tyranny of Great Britain could have gained much more viral momentum with Facebook:

Thomas Jefferson posted a note "The unanimous Declaration of the 13 united States of America"

"When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth..."

John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, John Hancock and 13 others like this

Only 140-characters for William Shakespeare to update his current status on Twitter? What would that be like?

"The tapestry of the morn is woven of crimson waves & amber ribbon and lo from deep within the caverns of mine lovelorn bosom I say to thee I..."

While I'm sure Facebook's many apps would have held some appeal in historical circles, I think it's safe to say even Al Capone would have gotten sick of Mafia Wars...though I do think he might have become a fan of Bejeweled Blitz.

And just think of the horrible atrocities that have plagued human history that could have been avoided with the grass roots social uprising initiatives provided by Facebook Groups:

Malcom X joined the group I'm so tired of ignorant people saying they're not racist when they really are

Joseph, Mary and 10 other friends joined the group If this group gets one million followers then they won't crucify Jesus

Classical music wunderkind Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart tried to take advantage of the convenience of MySpace Music but after the third lack of movement of his web browser (due to his MySpace page constantly crashing IE6 when loading) the gifted composer's health and spirit quickly deteriorate...all while Mozart's arch nemesis Sallieri, laughing himself into insanity from his cell in a mental institution, screams "MySpace is GeoCities! HaHaHaHa!"

And although Twitter would be of great help in a lot of history's most memorable moments, American heroine Amelia Earhardt's mysterious disappearance would not have been one of them. After all, no one can ever find anyone with Twitter's People Search function.

A Warm Fuzzy Ball of Perspective

With "shopping days" dwindling to mere "shopping hours" and complex decisions over which chain restaurant's gift card will best define my gift-giving thoughtfulness, sometimes it really is the simple things that make the holidays shine in your heart.

Take today for example. I don't have too many holiday traditions but one I continue to nurture is my annual trip to my local pet shelter. I always bring canned food for the dogs, bags of cat litter for the cats and treats for all the animals. One of the nice things about this shelter is they let most of the cats roam free in the "Kitty Room" so potential adoptive parents can experience their personalities out in the open as opposed to "behind bars".

As I made my way around the room petting and talking to some of the free-range felines, I happened upon a big black tub-o-kitty named Sheba sleeping on one of the cat bunks. At first she was kind of disinterested but eventually I could tell she liked the attention I was giving her - scratching her neck and all. After some additional kitty conversation with her and some more petting, I was going to move on to see some of the other residents...but Sheba wasn't having any of that. She jumped off her throne and followed me around the room weaving in and out of my legs until I just about fell on my face. We played with one of the toys I brought for awhile and eventually I just sat on the ground with her and without hesitation Sheba crawled up on my lap, curled herself into a ball and purred with contentment. She even brought her paws to my face and gave me a kitty kiss on my forehead. It was a connection I had not made with anyone (human or otherwise) since I first adopted my best friend Pook nearly 15 years ago.

About an hour into my visit after I had paid my respects to all the cats, gave Sheba a goodbye stroke behind her ears and walked out of the Kitty Room feeling good after a really fun visit. As I was about to leave, I asked one of the attendants about Sheba's story. She proceeded to tell me that she had been adopted three times in the last year and each time was returned within a couple months with reasons that included "my owner wanted a different color cat" or "my family didn't want me anymore".

I'm sorry...I'm actually pausing writing for a second here because it's a little overwhelming to hear that and I cannot stop crying when I think about it.

This loving creature who had so much love and affection to give me, a complete and total stranger, was just discarded like a soiled diaper not once...but three times! And not for clawing up the couch, not for hissing at the family dog, not for making the kids allergic...not for anything that was her fault...she was abandoned just because she wasn't wanted or needed anymore.

I wiped the tears away, went back inside, found Sheba and played with her for another hour-and-a-half before they closed for the day.

And while I wish I could give you the storybook ending that I immediately adopted her and brought her home for the holidays, that's just not a feasible option for me at this time. However, I did make the shelter promise me they would keep me up to date on her adoption status and I will make it a point to visit her at least once every couple weeks until she does find a good home.

Sitting here thinking about that cat, the bond we forged in that brief time together, the kinship we share and the hardships from 2009 we can both relate to on a lot of levels, brings out a bevy of emotions in me but it also brings me perspective.

I've had a rough year. I get down on myself a lot for some of the failures I've had and some of the decisions I've made. There are days when I think my situation can't get any worse and then it does. There are days when I feel like I don't have a friend in the world. Then there are times I think deep down I must be a really bad person to deserve all this. No doubt, it has been rough on me.

Then I look at Sheba. Think about her self-esteem after being rejected by three different families. Her situation couldn't possibly get any worse after the first two rejections, could it? Incredibly, yes, it did! Think about what she must be feeling about all that: "Boy, I must be a really awful cat for someone to return me three separate times!" I at least have some control over my situation. She has no control over it! She's just an innocent animal. It's heart-breaking and frankly it's eye-opening to me as well.

Yes, I've had a rough year but my experience with Sheba made me realize I'm pretty lucky too. I have a home. I have a job...it doesn't pay well and it's not ultimately what I want to do for a living but it is a job. I may not have a ton of friends but I'm grateful for the few I have whose love and support I appreciate. I'm not a bad person and this "rough patch" I'm in right now is not all my fault and will eventually get better.

I guess the moral of the story I'm trying to impart here is things are not always as bad as they seem and could be a lot worse.

And if you have the opportunity to make a difference in some one's (or some thing's) life who might be worse off than you, avail yourself of that opportunity. Those small connections you make will brighten your situation and theirs.

I hope it did with my new friend Sheba and I know it did with me.

Merry Christmas and Happy 2010 everybody!