Ever since my comedic mentor, the honorable Mr. George Carlin, passed away in mid-2008 I've found my writing to be less inspired, less focused, less free-flowing, less edgy. In more recent times I've found it lacking, searching, wanting - in need of direction.
This powerful little voice inside me that steered my writing for lo these many years has become muted by the reign of terror I have allowed the political correctness police to enforce upon my sensibilities. I call it my "Little Carlin".
Some people get cravings for chocolate or cheeseburgers. This guy inside me has insatiable urges to wish someone to get run over by a bus or request that some douche bag's wang get slammed in a credenza drawer repeatedly. In fact, he has literally been dying just to politely tell some random brain dead moron who can't handle something as basic as 4th grade spelling to kindly F*CK OFF!
That's the Carlin way! That's my way!
So I'm doing it. I'm letting little George out of his cage to play! My Inner Carlin is back and he's chomping at the bit to blog!
DISCLAIMER: Keep in mind when you read this, it is not in fact Jason speaking, so if you are offended I apologize in advance. He does not speak for me - I speak through him. My Inner Carlin is a dychotomy of my thoughts transcribed and reinterpreted by the spirit form of George Carlin. (To be fair and keep this a family show, I'll add the obligatory text-based bleeps to keep the temperature at a comfortable PG-13 level.)
We'll start little George out with a gigantic softball-esque type topic like Social Media Pet Peeves, and then work our way up to more challenging subject matter, like basic math, in the subsequent weeks to come.
Here are some examples of My Inner Carlin's Social Media Pet Peeves:
[Your FB Name] is attending [Facebook Event] with 6 other friends.
Never mind the fact that the event is in Intercourse, PA and you live no where even remotely close. And even if you did, you really have no intention on attending anyway - you just like to f*ck with people who need an accurate event headcount so as not to order too much cheese whiz for these ungrateful sh*ts.
The Annoying-Random-Tweets-From-Your-Followers-That-I-Could-Give-A-Crap-About Daily is out! Top stories from @CelebIveNeverMet @HotBabeIHaveNoShotAt @NerdlingtheReaper
All my life I've aspired to be a lemming. Whenever someone tells me I should do something, I do it because I want to belong. I just want you to like me. If you are a spineless worm like me and do stupid things people you barely know ask you to do just to ingratiate yourself to them, repost this as your status - even for just one hour. I know 99% of you won't but God be with you. Lemmings are people too!
[Your FB Name] Blahblahblah...status update...whatever...more words...blahblahblah
Then, immediately following your post...
[Your FB Name] likes this
Well of course you like it you split personality jerk-off! It's your own damn post! Did you post your status, reread it and then realize, "Y'know, that's a great point! I really agree with that! I'm going to 'like' this comment I just made myself." Are you that insecure that you need positive reassurances from yourself? One other thing...who gives a sh*t?
#Trying #Desperately #to #Get #My #Tweet #Noticed #Using #Every #Possible #Hashtag #Puppies #Idol #FF #JustinBieber #NoticeMe #Please
Like our Facebook page and help us get to our goal of 1,000 followers!
Great! Your page's current number of followers: 57. Gotta learn how to tie your shoes before breaking the world record in the 100-yard-dash, sh*thead.
Interesting! #Obnoxiouslylonghashtagthatnooneelsewilleversearchforinamillionyearsnexttoacompletelyinnocuousrandomquip
[Facebook Friend That You Met In Person One Time] has answered a question about you! Click here to reveal the answer.
Essentially a complete stranger has taken time out of their busy schedule not only to think long and hard about all your quirky little idiosychrosies, come up with a question AND the answer to said question and even had the courtesy to post it to your wall wrapped up in a pretty little spam-filled package...and you have the audacity NOT to open it? How dare you, you mistrustful prick!
[Random LinkedIn Network Contact - let's call him Frank] is asking for a recommendation.
Outstanding! Oh my gosh, Frank! Wow! Where do I even begin? No seriously, where the f*ck do I begin? I don't even know this mope. I met him at some lame-ass networking expo that I only went to just to get another branded thermal beverage mug. My recommendation would be for you would be to eat sh*t, kiss my ass and get a better resume!
What a fun night!
Do us all a favor, dickhead. If your cell phone camera sucks, go take a close-up of a horse's ass with it and tag yourself in the photo.
OMG! This is crazyyyyy! You won't believe who is viewing your profile! Click to see your Top 10 Stalkers!
First of all, if there are at least 10 people viewing my profile I'll take that as a friggin' compliment. Secondly, if you are in fact dense enough to blindly click on that kind of an ambiguous link (or some of it's evil bretheren like the "Facebook-finally-has-a-Dislike-button!") then enjoy that raging case of diarrhea you're sure to get after taking a giant bite out of that spam sandwich. Bon appetit, f*cker!
[Your Name] just checked in at the bank ATM on foursquare.
[Your Name] just checked in at the parking garage on foursquare.
I understand your empty little life just wouldn't be completely fulfilled if you didn't unlock the Urinal Cake Badge upon check in at the men's room sh*tter at Gas City but realize the following: 1.) This is the Internet - home to one billion predatory, uber-horny, little cyber-wigglers (and growing by the hour) and 2.) The primary recreational activity in life of most of these creeps, aside from making sweet love to the Old Navy circular, is stalking innocent boys and girls who are just that f*cking stupid enough to broadcast their every whereabout.
I just checked in at the bank! Good! I'll be right over to rob you of the cash you just withdrew. I'm in the parking garage! Awesome! I'm making my way there now to rob AND rape you! Oh and since I know the one place you're not - namely, AT HOME - after I'm done with all of that I'll head over to your house, microwave your pet hamster and steal the rest of your belongings. Time to unlock the Stop Being a Dumb F*ck Badge.
Hmmm. Not bad for Little George's first night out of "cyber purgatory". Let's do this again real soon!
