March Badness

It's that time of year again! March is the time when Brackets become more than just obscure punctuation. At this Big Dance, Cinderella trades in glass slippers for sneakers and the Belle of the Ball does not always get One Shining Moment. In March, 16 is Sweet but 4 is much more!  And the only cure for this Madness is hoops, hoops and more hoops!

Yes, the NCAA Basketball Tournament begins again next week and for the ensuing three weekends a great majority of the nation will be fixated on all the excitement leading up to the Final Four and the wholly anti-climatic Championship Game - the winner of which receives what is essentially a lovingly Swiffered piece of driftwood that passes for the sport's National Champions trophy.

All hyperbole aside, the crowning of the winner or really which teams are even selected, are both a moot point to most Madness Mavens. The true appeal of this tournament occurs well before the first Thursday morning game even tips. That is when the match-ups are announced on Selection Sunday and the process begins of  filling out one or more brackets (or in some cases, several more) in your office pool by systematically picking the winners of each of the four Regionals' games all the way through the Championship Game.

My thought (and for the record it's not an original one as Terry Boers and Dan Bernstein of The Score WSCR 670-AM have patented and perfected a similar idea over the past few years called the "Tournament of Bad") is to take the Bracket model of the NCAA Tournament and apply it to things in my own life - such as my many personal pet peeves - then set the match-ups, fill out the brackets and let the fun begin!

In the interest of time, we'll pare the field from 64 to 16 (Top 15 seeds plus the winner of the two teams in the "play in game").

First in the "play-in game", with the right to face the #1 overall seed on the line, we have "White chocolate" versus "P90X".

BREAKDOWN: White chocolate may possibly be one of the most horrendous things you could ever voluntarily put in your mouth. The fact that the selection committee relegated it to the indignity of playing its way into the field of 16 should be motivation enough.

I'm still not entirely sure what P90X is or what it does. The first time I saw a commercial for it I thought it was a new video game system rather than a fitness program. Since then I have seen a million more commercials for it and every one of their paid spokespeople that I have heard from swears by it - which is reason enough for me NOT to use it.

WINNER: Too vile to be denied - white chocolate advances!

The #1 seed is "Arrogant asswipes who take up more than one parking space" against the #16 seed "White chocolate".

BREAKDOWN: A true mismatch in every sense of the word. White chocolate may be akin to eating semi-sweet soap but these smug D.B.'s who feel entitled to an extra third of parking room on each side of their gas-guzzling, rim-spinning 4x4s or Humvees are in a league of their own and certainly have the advantage here.

WINNER: Parking space asswipes in a rout.

The #2 seed is "The month of February" versus the #15 seed "The 101".

BREAKDOWN: Similarly constructed teams in so far as both really offer nothing of value really to anyone. Think about the month of February from an entertainment perspective. With the exception of the Super Bowl being played during February's first weekend (which is only a recent phenomenon after always being played at the end of January forever) there is a whole lot of nothing. Oh wait...this year we had the Winter Olympics. Okay, I stand corrected...less than nothing. TV shows? Reality garbage and reruns. Movies? Note to Motion Picture Association of America: If a film is released in February, please assign the rating of "B" for Bad. Between cheesy date flicks whose sole purpose is to showcase mismatched, rotating ensemble casts of beautiful people (She's Not That Into You, Valentine's Day, etc.) or blood-curdling, capricious violence-for-violence's-sake slasher movies (Hostel, Saw, The Crazies, etc.) that all will be released on Blu Ray by Easter, it's easy to see why February is the shortest month of the year for a reason.

The 101 (also known as Channel 101 on DirectTV) is essentially the Goodwill store of satellite TV. We have 24-hours of dayparts to fill - we'll take anything. Programming consists of network shows on life support (Friday Night Lights, etc.), "exclusive concerts" by no-name Indie bands or has-been pop performers and watching live radio talk shows as they happen.

WINNER: The 101 keeps it close but February's depth (or perhaps lack thereof) helps it pulls away in the second half.

The 3 and 14 match-up pits "Alternate sports jerseys" against the upstart "Energy efficient light bulbs".

BREAKDOWN: Back in the summer of 1990, I attended "Turn Back the Clock Day" at the old Comiskey Park, in what I believe may have been the first team sporting event (at least locally anyway) to showcase the concept of "an alternate jersey". In that particular game between the White Sox and Brewers, the South Siders donned vintage replica jerseys to pay homage to the infamous Black Sox team of the late 1910's. The idea became a hit and since that game, I have noticed a resounding proliferation of "third" jerseys popping up all over the sporting landscape...and sometimes "fourth" and "fifth" ones as well! I realize this all comes down to marketing and merchandise sales but come on! How many jerseys do the Cleveland Cavaliers fans or the Oregon Ducks football team need? I'll turn on my TV and half the time I don't even know who I'm watching!

I'm all for eco-friendliness and saving money on my electric bills. I'm also all about being able to actually see when I turn on a light in my house and I have yet to encounter an energy-efficient light bulb that offers much more luminescence than your average birthday candle.

WINNER: The bulbs match the competition's energy for 40 minutes but in the end the jerseys' confusing offensive style wins out.

#4 "TV Shows that have 'jumped the shark' in 2009-10" takes on #13 "Foursquare".

BREAKDOWN: The term "jumped the shark" is a reference to an episode of the hit 1970's TV show Happy Days when Fonzie jumps his motorcycle over a shark tank as a promotional stunt on the show. From that moment on, the quality of the subsequent episodes just seemed to lack that same spark that made Happy Days so popular to begin with. Beloved, successful TV shows that seem to have "stopped trying", "run out of new ideas" or worse yet, try new "gimicky" ideas or tweeks with casting that more often than not blow up in the shows' producers' faces are considered having "jumped the shark". The Simpsons "jumped the shark" around 1999 (yet somehow Fox has managed to continue to produce new episodes for another 11 seasons and counting). Lost "jumped" two seasons ago but at least had the forethought to recognize that fact and end on a higher note this season. American Idol got "shark bitten" last season with the addition of the fourth judge, Kara. This season's unfortunate victims of these unprovoked "shark attacks" sadly include some of my personal favorites: 24, Entourage and The Office.

Because my cell phone is a "dumb phone", in that it can only make phone calls and text, I have not yet been privileged to take advantage of all the wonderful "apps" that have enriched the lives of so many. Through my various interactions with people I know via Twitter and Facebook, I recently became aware of a new, emerging social media technology called Foursquare; which during one's travels gives the user the opportunity to "check in" at various places along their route such as a restaurant or other public places. It also turns the game of life into an actual game whereby one can earn points and rewards merely for going to these places. I have no problems with any technology that encourages people to actually leave their house. What I do have a problem with is letting the world know that I have in fact left my house - essentially alerting anyone in your social media sphere of influence not only that I'm not home (so come on by and ransack the place) but here's where I am now so come and stalk me afterwards.

WINNER: In an upset, the #13 seed knocks off the #4 seed. Bad TV just can't compare with the ammunition Foursquare affords the creepy.

The #5 seeded "Bad grammar - especially from college educated people" gets the #12 seeded "Justin Bieber".

BREAKDOWN: Any other year, bad grammar would have been a unanimous #1 seed. Like styrofoam nails on a wet chalkboard, bad grammar is the last true litmus test to effectively weed out the stupid. Cause weather or not you conquer, they're definately ain't not nothing worst then to half to here alot of pour grammer! Its enough to make you loose you're witts! Blech! I need a shower! And sadly the individuals that really have no excuse for their diarrhea of the mouth and pen because of the constant scrutiny their grammar should be receiving - namely college students - are the biggest offenders. So am I possibly growing more patient and temperate of such transgressions? Hell no! I've just come to realize what everyone else with a college degree probably already realized: you don't need to be smart to graduate college. College students are just as dumb as anybody (which gives me hope that one day I too can be a college graduate!) But please people: Their (possessive), There (a location) and They're (contraction for "they are") are pretty easy to distinguish from one another. I know the ass-backwards apostrophe usage of it's (contraction for "it is") and its (possessive) flies in the face of every logical bone in your bodies...get over it and use it properly!

If you have never heard of Justin Bieber, don't fret. I only became aware of him within the last few months. However, if you are on Twitter for any marked length of time during the day and claim you have never heard of him, I'm afraid a vision test may be in the offing for you. Twitter just recently celebrated its 10 billionth tweet and I'd have to guess that at least half of those referenced this latest teen pop music "flavor of the month" in one form or another. Bieber spends more time atop the Twitter Trending Topics list than his music has atop the pop charts (they still have those, right?) Can't I just have one Bieber-free day of tweeting?

WINNER: Bad grammar pulls away late after Bieber fouls out for too many Twitter hash tags.

An interesting match-up to watch at the 6 and 11 spot where #6 "We Are The World 2010" tangles with "Whiny Generation X'ers who bitch about the Millennials taking their jobs."

BREAKDOWN: This is going to sound deeper than intended but attempting to catch lightning in a bottle a second time can result in being badly burned. Remember Woodstock '99? Good. Neither do I...and that's the point. You can't recreate a once in a lifetime moment even with the most noblest of intentions! The idea behind We Are The World 2010 - raising money for the victims of the Haiti earthquake by bringing together the entertainment industry's finest and attempting to recapture the magic that the original song generated a quarter century earlier - seemed like a great idea on paper but to say it was poorly executed would be a gross understatement. I admit my take on this may be biased given my penchant for hating on most modern pop music but this electronically bastardized incarnation of the song I feel not only cheapens the lasting impact of the original but also waters down the broader objective behind it which is helping people in need. So now what? When do we get the Chilean remix to help those poor people? Yes, the money raised from the song's proceeds is a great thing and I'm not poo-pooing the effort. I'm saying for an industry supposedly built on creativity, all the entertainment industry knows how to do well is recycle and rebrand old ideas.

Millennials are the 18-29 year old young adults bent on world domination through their idealism, motivation and their ability to organize and affect global change through their Blackberries and iPhones. They are by far the most educated, socially conscious, tech savvy, coffee-drinkingest generation to date. They know nothing of a life without the Internet, cable TV or cell phones. They are the future right now and there is a perception out there amongst the unemployed that Millennials may be unintentionally turning the dirt on a lot of Generation X and their hopes for career stability or even gainful employment. After all, why hire a 30-something, technically adroit, college graduate with 7+ years of direct experience when you can hire a 20-something MBA who can do it for a lot cheaper salary and with less professional baggage to unload? Well guess what? I'm a Gen X'er and I'm here to tell my bretheren that if you don't like your situation...change it! I did, I'm continuing to do so, and I'm never going to stop doing so! When I kept losing out on jobs I realized I needed more education - so I'm getting it now! I needed more skills - so I'm building them now! Quit your bitching about being part of some lost generation that society turned its back on! Geez. Don't hate on the Millennial kids and don't hate on yourself. You control your own life! Go do something with it! My only complaint about the Millennials is that I wish they'd stop calling me "sir". I'm only 6-7 years removed from your little coffee enema club, you know?

WINNER: An ugly game but in the end We Are The World 2010 issues a resounding beat down of my whiny X gamers.

#7 seed "Jewelry on men" meets the #10 seed "Beauty pageants".

BREAKDOWN: I totally appreciate jewelry as a fashion accessory. It can add that finishing touch to tie together a sharp outfit or make a bold fashion statement...FOR A WOMAN! Come on guys! Seriously! What screams, "NOTICE ME, PLEASE!" more than working the shimmering, gaudy gold Herringbone bracelet, sporting those gothic hoop earrings up and down one's ear lobe or rocking the 2" thick sterling silver Figaro chain with the big cross nesting in your chest hair? Jay-Z, Eminem and Tony Soprano can pull off that look. You can't...so just stop already! And if you are wearing jewelry for religious reasons, can you at least do us the courtesy of keeping it tucked into your shirt and out of plain view? Leave the bling to the babes and if you want to get noticed try growing a personality.

Ah, where to start? Okay, deep breaths...beauty pageants. As most of my pageant friends come from the Miss America system they probably will take little offense to criticisms of beauty pageants since Miss America is, after all, not a "beauty pageant" but rather a "scholarship organization". (Yes, and watching the majesty that is a presentation of honorariums to worthy students by a leading scholarship provider is must see TV!) To borrow a trite pageant cliche, it is what it is! Stop trying to hide from what you are! Miss America is a beauty pageant and a great one at that...or was until they took the pageant out of it and obfuscated the beauty portion with the notion that she also needs to be an impossible dychotomy of Stephen Hawking, Beyonce and Mother Theresa, all in a futile effort to separate themselves from their competition: the dreaded Miss USA Pageant - where Beauty is Queen and Dumb is King...or so the media coverage would have you believe (Carrie Prejean, Tara Conner, Miss Teen SC, etc.)

Okay, tangent time! Need a 20-second time-out here ref! I realize this may be pageant blasphemy but in this world of Sprint eating Nextel or PNC eating National City, isn't it about time for a merger between these two organizations? Combine both pageants into one by retaining the Miss America name recognition while leveraging the Miss USA TV cred. Let Donnie Trump and Artie McMaster fight over the profits and who gets which chair in the boardroom. Drop this ridiculous fundraising requirement (masquerading as "not an entry fee") for contestants that almost seems to border on money laundering and drives away a number of young women from competing. Encourage the community service aspect but don't make it a factor in judging. Retain talent to go along with interview, swimsuit and evening gown but weight them equally at 25%. The scores (which will be shown on TV), not the Final Ballot, determine the winner. Background checks will be administered to all contestants to ensure no unexpected "surprises" emerge. In addition to prepping for the Miss Universe pageant, the focus of Miss America's year will be less on promoting organizational causes and more on rebuilding brand recognition - especially amongst the younger generation of girls who hold the fate of this pageant's future in their hands. State organizations will be overseen by Miss America "regional governors" and will serve solely in a support capacity to help prepare the state titleholder for Miss America and see to her business and public affairs. Scholarships will be awarded to state titleholders but will be funded by the national organization. No more scandals, no more reality shows, no political or personal agendas, no pageant judges with ambiguous judging criteria! Just one pageant where the prettiest, most stylish, most intelligent and most talented contestant is named Miss America...period. Now, let's talk about the putrid Toddlers and Tiaras crowd...oops...time-out is over! Another time perhaps...

WINNER: Oh yeah, almost forgot. Jewelry on men takes it after an exhausting quadruple-overtime battle of attrition over beauty pageants.

And our final first round match-up: #8 "Idiot drivers that pull out in front of you at the last second" vs. #9 "Preseason sports"

BREAKDOWN: Tell me if this has happened to you before...in fact, scratch that. Only tell me if this has NEVER happened to you before. You're driving along on a normal stretch of road at a normal, possibly even above-average rate of speed (not quite Tony Stewart but certainly not Aunt Bea). As you come up on a side street that intersects with the main road, you notice another car pulling up to the line to stop and wait for its opportunity to turn onto or merge into traffic. Unfortunately that genius behind the wheel decides to come to a rolling stop (or not stop at all) and quickly makes their move into traffic while squealing their tires and essentially cutting you off, sometimes at a distance of less than a few car lengths, knowing full well you will stop because in their minds, "He sees me."  Despite all of the above referenced reckless behavior, for the most part, I actually don't even have much of a problem with it! It's when they go through all the hassle of speeding out into traffic to avoid getting stuck behind perceived slower cars and then decide themselves to slow their roll and ride the brake pedal for another 1/2 mile. Oh, it's okay to cut someone off and nearly cause an accident but I better take it slow out here. I'm driving on 3 speeding tickets! All these people should be cast into asphalt mixers and used to fill the various cavernous potholes throughout the city.

Training camp, spring training, midnight madness - these glorified exhibitions of calestenics, lay-up lines and playing pepper can only mean two things: the regular season is right around the corner...and meatheaded fans are bound to elevate someone into the Hall of Fame before camp breaks. It happens every year! In fact, I gave it a name. I call it the Gary Scott Award. Scott was a can't-miss phenom third base prospect with the Cubs in the 90's. One spring training year he hit around a .500 clip with a half-dozen home runs and bundles of RBIs off of mostly Triple A pitching while catching everything in sight at the hot corner. Rather than risk quelling his momentum by sending him to the minors for more seasoning and further alienating the impatient fan base, the Cubs brought him north with the big club when camp broke. Over the next three weeks Scott went onto hit less than a dollar and change, was sent back to the minors and was never heard from again. There's always a Gary Scott or a Lyle Mouton or an Autry Denson or a Tyler Arnasson who rocks the preseason that liquored-up fans immediately gravitate to and elevate to legendary status before these kids have even had a chance to fail. Then when you do get a Patrick Kane or a Gordon Beckham who lights it up from the word go, that just adds more fuel to "the fire and the passion" of these sporting dopes pining for this rush to annoint greatness. Aside from that, the preseason is as meaningless, and often as entertaining, as a team groin-stretching session and has no bearing whatsoever on how successful your team will be when the games do count. The fact that team owners are able to successfully milk additional dollars for tickets to these games from the collective teet of some of these fans really does boggle the mind.

WINNER: None. (Kind of like WarGames after JOSHUA realizes the futility of Global Thermonuclear War.) Both teams are deemed equally bad and therefore we have a draw! Both are eliminated to be replaced with a new #8 1/2 seed "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve"

Now the Elite Eight features:

#1 "Arrogant asswipes who take up more than one parking space" vs. #13 "Foursquare"

Cinderella's carriage ride ends here as arrogant asswipes are definitely "the Mayor of this match-up".

#2 "The month of February" vs. #8 1/2 "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve"

I don't know which is scarier: the pasty white corpse of Dick Clark or the pasty white, permanently botoxed corpse of Ryan Seacrest. That's a one-two combination that is tough to reckon with. February is history!

#3 "Alternate sports jerseys" vs. #7 "Jewelry on men"

Combine the two into men wearing jewelry and alternate sports jerseys and you've got next year's National Champion. In the meantime, jewelry on men moves up in class and knocks off alternate sports jerseys.

#5 "Bad grammar" vs. #6 "We Are the World 2010"

Going "nails on chalkboard" here. The filanthropic principals of We Are the World 2010 have no affect on bad grammar. I know...I'll stop now.

Then in the National Semifinal...also known as the Final Four:

#1 "Arrogant asswipes" vs. #8 1/2 "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve"

Somebody please alert Dick Clark's next of kin that he lost...and also that he died about 10 years ago.

#5 "Bad grammar" vs. #7 "Jewelry on men"

Close one but no bling for jewelry on men this season!

And in the Championship Game...congradulations (sorry, I couldn't resist) to "Bad Grammar" - your 2010 March Badness National Champions!

Now what do we do about filling the N.I.T. bracket with the Badness also-rans?

Anyone excited about a match-up between "Starbucks that don't accept Starbucks gift cards" vs. "Thousand Island dressing" or "People with more than 2,000 Facebook friends" vs. "Teeth whitening banner ads"?

Retweeting History

First of all, I know. I've been lax in keeping up with "My Piles". Won't happen again. Now, our feature presentation...

PREMISE: Assume for the moment that time travel not only is a distinct possibility but a genuine probability right now. Assume also that the adverse side effects of propelling a human being backwards through time, such as one's molecules spontaneously combusting by exponentially increasing their own personal acceleration by a factor of ten times the speed of light, have also been "taken care of" (and not by our good engineer friends at Toyota either). Further assume that it is possible to introduce what essentially would be alien technology to our more formative cultures without fundamentally altering the...okay, nuts to this science fair mumbo-jumbo!

I want to take social media back to the past to follow history's greatest Tweeters and Friends. Got it? Work with me on this people.

Just imagine how different the post-Civil War era might have been if Ford's Theater had Wi-Fi. History might record that as John Wilkes Booth prepared to make his move into President Lincoln's theater box, he drew his trusty Deringer from his suit jacket pocket and as he prepared to fire...his mobile started blowing up with:

"JWB?"
"Sup?"
"Where u at?"
"We hangin 2nite?"
"Text ittttt"

By the time he responded to all of his crew, the play had concluded and the President's entourage was well on their way back to the White House. As he exited the theater, frustrated by distraction, he updated his Facebook status as: "Sic Temper iPhonus".

Matchmaking websites have certainly had their fair share of influence on writing the stories of many couples but could it help rewrite the story of history's original couple?

After God created man and woman, he then wired The Garden of Eden with 3G Wi-Max. One day Adam signed up for eHarmony.com and within minutes he received his first match. He kept searching for others but was becoming increasingly frustrated by the number of matches he was receiving...one. "How many women are on this site?" he asked.

Then after God created Free Communication Weekend, Adam uploaded a younger-looking profile photo, lied about his age and changed his Interests to: "Eating Fruit" and "Rebelling Against Authority" and he and Eve lived happily ever after in sin.

During Revolutionary times, Twitter certainly could have saved Paul Revere, or more specifically his horse, a lot of wear and tear on his historic ride.

SamuelAdams Thanks Paulie! RT @Paul_Revere The Red Coats are coming!

NHaler 5 Ways to Identify a #RedCoat http://bit.ly/ohj439 RT @Paul_Revere The Red Coats are coming!

GeoWash RT @Paul_Revere The Red Coats are coming!

JPJones Aw snap! RT @Paul_Revere The Red Coats are coming!

SybLud1776 RT @Paul_Revere The Red Coats are coming!

What about the mystery behind the identity of the notorious Deep Throat during the Richard Nixon Watergate Scandal? It took nearly four decades to discover that William Mark Felt, Sr. was in fact Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein's "source" that blew the roof off the investigation of the Nixon White House. Although some still dispute that finding, Deep Throat could have easily been outed a lot earlier.

Imagine Woodward and Bernstein calling for another midnight clandestine meeting with their "source". As the two arrive at the Manhattan parking garage, they are met by a cadre of Secret Service agents and CIA operatives with a dejected Deep Throat in custody in the back of a black van. The two reporters later log into Foursquare and discover that just prior to midnight DeepThrt4Evr checked in, earned a "Crunked Badge" and "became the Mayor" of that parking garage.

As for the secret Nixon recordings, those would have been on YouTube faster than you could say G. Gordon Liddy.

The original Colonies' desire to assert their freedom from the tyranny of Great Britain could have gained much more viral momentum with Facebook:

Thomas Jefferson posted a note "The unanimous Declaration of the 13 united States of America"

"When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth..."

John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, John Hancock and 13 others like this

Only 140-characters for William Shakespeare to update his current status on Twitter? What would that be like?

"The tapestry of the morn is woven of crimson waves & amber ribbon and lo from deep within the caverns of mine lovelorn bosom I say to thee I..."

While I'm sure Facebook's many apps would have held some appeal in historical circles, I think it's safe to say even Al Capone would have gotten sick of Mafia Wars...though I do think he might have become a fan of Bejeweled Blitz.

And just think of the horrible atrocities that have plagued human history that could have been avoided with the grass roots social uprising initiatives provided by Facebook Groups:

Malcom X joined the group I'm so tired of ignorant people saying they're not racist when they really are

Joseph, Mary and 10 other friends joined the group If this group gets one million followers then they won't crucify Jesus

Classical music wunderkind Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart tried to take advantage of the convenience of MySpace Music but after the third lack of movement of his web browser (due to his MySpace page constantly crashing IE6 when loading) the gifted composer's health and spirit quickly deteriorate...all while Mozart's arch nemesis Sallieri, laughing himself into insanity from his cell in a mental institution, screams "MySpace is GeoCities! HaHaHaHa!"

And although Twitter would be of great help in a lot of history's most memorable moments, American heroine Amelia Earhardt's mysterious disappearance would not have been one of them. After all, no one can ever find anyone with Twitter's People Search function.

A Warm Fuzzy Ball of Perspective

With "shopping days" dwindling to mere "shopping hours" and complex decisions over which chain restaurant's gift card will best define my gift-giving thoughtfulness, sometimes it really is the simple things that make the holidays shine in your heart.

Take today for example. I don't have too many holiday traditions but one I continue to nurture is my annual trip to my local pet shelter. I always bring canned food for the dogs, bags of cat litter for the cats and treats for all the animals. One of the nice things about this shelter is they let most of the cats roam free in the "Kitty Room" so potential adoptive parents can experience their personalities out in the open as opposed to "behind bars".

As I made my way around the room petting and talking to some of the free-range felines, I happened upon a big black tub-o-kitty named Sheba sleeping on one of the cat bunks. At first she was kind of disinterested but eventually I could tell she liked the attention I was giving her - scratching her neck and all. After some additional kitty conversation with her and some more petting, I was going to move on to see some of the other residents...but Sheba wasn't having any of that. She jumped off her throne and followed me around the room weaving in and out of my legs until I just about fell on my face. We played with one of the toys I brought for awhile and eventually I just sat on the ground with her and without hesitation Sheba crawled up on my lap, curled herself into a ball and purred with contentment. She even brought her paws to my face and gave me a kitty kiss on my forehead. It was a connection I had not made with anyone (human or otherwise) since I first adopted my best friend Pook nearly 15 years ago.

About an hour into my visit after I had paid my respects to all the cats, gave Sheba a goodbye stroke behind her ears and walked out of the Kitty Room feeling good after a really fun visit. As I was about to leave, I asked one of the attendants about Sheba's story. She proceeded to tell me that she had been adopted three times in the last year and each time was returned within a couple months with reasons that included "my owner wanted a different color cat" or "my family didn't want me anymore".

I'm sorry...I'm actually pausing writing for a second here because it's a little overwhelming to hear that and I cannot stop crying when I think about it.

This loving creature who had so much love and affection to give me, a complete and total stranger, was just discarded like a soiled diaper not once...but three times! And not for clawing up the couch, not for hissing at the family dog, not for making the kids allergic...not for anything that was her fault...she was abandoned just because she wasn't wanted or needed anymore.

I wiped the tears away, went back inside, found Sheba and played with her for another hour-and-a-half before they closed for the day.

And while I wish I could give you the storybook ending that I immediately adopted her and brought her home for the holidays, that's just not a feasible option for me at this time. However, I did make the shelter promise me they would keep me up to date on her adoption status and I will make it a point to visit her at least once every couple weeks until she does find a good home.

Sitting here thinking about that cat, the bond we forged in that brief time together, the kinship we share and the hardships from 2009 we can both relate to on a lot of levels, brings out a bevy of emotions in me but it also brings me perspective.

I've had a rough year. I get down on myself a lot for some of the failures I've had and some of the decisions I've made. There are days when I think my situation can't get any worse and then it does. There are days when I feel like I don't have a friend in the world. Then there are times I think deep down I must be a really bad person to deserve all this. No doubt, it has been rough on me.

Then I look at Sheba. Think about her self-esteem after being rejected by three different families. Her situation couldn't possibly get any worse after the first two rejections, could it? Incredibly, yes, it did! Think about what she must be feeling about all that: "Boy, I must be a really awful cat for someone to return me three separate times!" I at least have some control over my situation. She has no control over it! She's just an innocent animal. It's heart-breaking and frankly it's eye-opening to me as well.

Yes, I've had a rough year but my experience with Sheba made me realize I'm pretty lucky too. I have a home. I have a job...it doesn't pay well and it's not ultimately what I want to do for a living but it is a job. I may not have a ton of friends but I'm grateful for the few I have whose love and support I appreciate. I'm not a bad person and this "rough patch" I'm in right now is not all my fault and will eventually get better.

I guess the moral of the story I'm trying to impart here is things are not always as bad as they seem and could be a lot worse.

And if you have the opportunity to make a difference in some one's (or some thing's) life who might be worse off than you, avail yourself of that opportunity. Those small connections you make will brighten your situation and theirs.

I hope it did with my new friend Sheba and I know it did with me.

Merry Christmas and Happy 2010 everybody!

Rollin' Out the Red Carpet

Okay YouTube, you just made "the list".

Since there seems to be some issues with YouTube's ability to digest the audio from the much anticipated "Jason Pawlowski's I-57 Adventure 2", I am now forced to hold the gala red carpet premiere on my blog site. That's okay...I prefer small, intimate gatherings over large crowds anyway.

If I can figure out how to get this flick surfing on the "Tube", I'll let everyone know.

For now...our Feature Presentation:

Life's Perfect Little GPS

For the most part, Thanksgiving for me has always kind of been an afterthought like Groundhog's Day, Sweetest Day or Tax Day.

Never been much for turkey, pumpkin pie or cranberry anything. Usually I'm good with three or four fluffy biscuits, a mountain of mashed potatoes and a reservoir of butter followed by an expedient exit from the table to retire to my rightful ass groove on the couch, falling asleep to bad Detroit Lions football to awaken in a post turkey day-haze at some point between Black Friday and Cyber Monday.

Just like the lost notion that Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Christ (or on a less ethereal level: the celebration of peace on Earth and goodwill towards all men and women) and not a month-long, free-for-all, accumulation of material things to be blindly doled out en masse at four or five rigidly segmented "holiday parties" all within a 24-48 hour span, Thanksgiving is exactly what its name suggests: giving thanks...for what we have, for who we have and for what we have accomplished.

Whether you're all for tying on a Stove Top Stuffing enema at the dinner table or not, the true meaning of Thanksgiving is something I personally have never really embraced and frankly have always taken for granted.

Now I will be the first to admit this year has been one giant kick in the crotch after another for me with daily compounding interest. This past year alone I've lost (or in some cases had taken away from me without cause or explanation) jobs, money, health insurance, physical wellness, financial health, friends, hair, weight and at times - my joy, my dignity, my belief in myself and my hope and faith. Believe me, finding something to be thankful for in that cornucopia of "dreck" is going to take a high-powered NASA telescope with infrared lenses.

Despite all that, what the journey of this past year (and really the last couple of years) has taught me boils down to this basic concept: when you find yourself lost on the "road of life", sometimes thankfulness can be the perfect little GPS to get you back on track.

In other words, I think if we all stop and take personal inventory of all the great things in our lives (no matter how small or insignificant they may seem) that we DO HAVE to be thankful for, rather than fixating on what we NO LONGER HAVE, we will be much more realized human beings.

For example, I was (and still am, at times) really down about losing my job as editor, writer, and photographer for a small suburban newspaper a couple of years ago. That has been my dream job since I was a kid and one day, without warning, it was just pulled out from under me. It makes me angry beyond words just thinking about it.

Through that anger, what I often fail to realize and acknowledge, however, is that I actually got to live my dream...for three years! How many people can say that?

I ran a great newspaper - the way I wanted to see it run, writing my kind of stories, covering things I wanted to cover - for three whole years! There's not too many people in the world who get to say they lived their dream (and got paid well to do so) but I am one of them! That makes me feel amazing inside! I am so thankful for that!

Another angle with this story I have considered is what would have happened to me if I never lost that newspaper gig to begin with?

Had I not lost that job I also probably would have never gotten involved with pageants. Now those of you that know me and my situation or are acutely aware of just how crazy the pageant world can be could argue that might have been a good thing for me.

However, if I never went down that pageant path then I would not have been privileged to have known so many wonderful people...not the least of whom are my former state titleholders: Katie, Ashley, Heidi, MerrieBeth and Christine - whom I cherished every moment with and love each of them all like they were my own daughters...as well as the many exceptional young women who competed in local and state pageants or went on to success in other pageant systems or in other walks of life - all of whom I now proudly call friends.

Granted from a fiscal, career health, and even a mental health standpoint (the hair loss is definitely directly attributable to the drama inherent in pageants) I probably would have been better off chained to my press pass, reporter's notebook and my 15-hour workday these past few years, but from my heart I can honestly say I am thankful for the opportunity to get to know all my pageant friends and to share in those incredible experiences my work afforded me.

So putting aside my usual tongue-in-cheek, self-deprecating, semi-pessimistic crown of timidity and modesty for a moment, what am I truly thankful for?

I'll give you the abridged version as my original list I compiled topped 12 pages and even put me to sleep writing it:

* The incredible gifts God gave me to creatively express myself through writing and art, my ability to solve problems quickly and calmly, my ability to make people laugh, and my desire to positively affect and make a difference in other people's lives by doing anything and everything I can for my friends, colleagues and loved ones.

* The generosity of heart, spirit and patience of my mother and the foundation she continues to provide me. She is the very definition of "a cool mom", the leader of my personal cheering section, the light that guides me and drives me, and my best friend ever.

* The time, albeit short, I got to spend on this Earth with my father. When things were right, I had more fun with that man than anyone. For better or worse, I am his son and I am thankful for the good things he bestowed upon me.

* My maternal grandparents and their unwavering love and support of me and my mom throughout my life.

* The many members of both sides of my family who hopefully know, despite my lack of physical presence at most family outings or lack of consistent communication on my part, that I do love and appreciate each of them very much.

* My cat Pook with whom I share by far my longest, most successful personal relationship with: 15 years and counting! Every morning I look forward to carrying you to your breakfast and every night cuddling up to you in bed. You have been and always will be my kitten.

* Random things (had to do some serious editing with this list so just the Top 10): PB&J, seeing Michael Jordan play basketball in person, Star Wars, The Beatles, Subway's late chicken taco sub (circa 1996), watching two of my former Miss Illinois shine on the Miss America stage in person, 24, The Eagles, Blackhawks hockey, and my old Spiderman shoes.

* My lifelong best friends Todd, Dale, Tim, and Vince; my childhood friends Mike, Ray, John, Billy, Jason, Scott, and Dave; my old work friends Joe, Sharon, Melissa, Dawn, Jim, Jeff, Mark, Lauren, Scott, Blythe, Stacy, Russ, Meryl, Ilene, Kathy, Atman, Kristie, Jill, Vic, and yes even George; my many dear pageant friends Heidi, Ashley, Katie, MerrieBeth, Christine, Anji, Jennifer, Chelsea, Christy, Tana, Lisa, Lauren, Jessica, Laura, Gina, Lexie, Meganne, Alycia, Erin, Claire, Rachel, Jamie, Natalie, Rabecca, Emily, Campbell, Ashley N., Sarah, Ruthie, Courtney, Anna, Donna, Julie, Kaili, Liz, Denise, Kelly, Courtney, and Amanda, as well as my pageant families Peggy & Dave, Davy, Trina, Abby, Belinda & Bill, Scott & Yvonne, Jim & Barb, Gwen, Ken & Susan, all the great pageant volunteers I worked with and anyone else who might be reading this that I forgot to mention by name - rest assured you have made an impact on my life (after all, you probably wouldn't be reading this if you didn't) and I am so thankful for you all.

* And lastly to God again, and maybe to a greater degree, my parents, for making me who I am. For most of my life I hit the pillow at night wishing I would wake up as anyone else but me. For the sake of better relationships with people (women mostly) I wished I would awaken with breathtakingly good looks like a Brad Pitt or super human athletic talent like a Tom Brady or for the sake of better success in life a magnetic persona, charisma and intelligence like a Barack Obama.

What I have come to realize is after a lifetime of praying to the plastic surgery fairy for a new face under my pillow or the anti-shyness bunny for an easter egg of "confidence" in my bonnet, that for my own sake, despite whatever personal shortcomings I may have, I really can't ever fathom being happy as anyone else but good old me!

And I am so thankful for that!

My Scary Halloween Costume Ideas

Everyone wears masks and pretends to be something they're not...and then there's Halloween.

Aside from deciding which houses to egg and what candy bars contain the fewest razor blades per serving, the toughest decision one faces this time of year is coming up with the best idea for the perfect Halloween costume.

Some costume ideas can be very inexpensive and simple.

How about going as a Facebook Addict? All that is required is a homemade strait jacket and pajama bottoms, a "bed head" hair-do and some gaunt eye make-up. Then just keep shivering violently and rambling on about, "One more status update man. Come on man, just one more." or "Gotta play one more Farkle tourney man." or "Twitter is the antichrist!"

Or there's the "Going Green" costume...just recycle portions of various costumes of Halloween's past to keep your costume's carbon footprint within tolerance levels. And if you're not of a green mind, no worries. This can also be called "A Salvation Army Halloween".

Then there's the costumes for those of you blessed (or cursed, depending on your perspective) with deeper pockets.

This great costume idea starts with a trip to your local high-end costume store or sci-fi convention. From there you will pick out the finest Star Wars, Star Trek, or Harry Potter costume you can find. Details are important here. Be it Jedi Knight with full cloth robe, long hair extensions, and authentic light saber prop; Klingon Commander with rubber cemented latex forehead ridges, replica Bat'leth, and metal warrior armor from eBay; or full-blown wizard ensemble complete with Hogwarts school uniform, horn-rim glasses and magic wand, spare no expense here folks!

Then all you need to do is start quoting the movie lines ad nauseum and acting out all the key scenes in front of the Halloween party's most attractive hotties and cuties and BINGO (or as the Klingons would say KAPLA!)...you are officially The 40-Year-Old Virgin! (Not that I would know anything about...that...because...I'm only 36! Yeah, that's it!)

Now while I do not at all subscribe to the idea of promoting stereotypes, I do think when thoughtfully and properly presented in the genre of a Halloween costume I believe some of these can be quite effective. (And to those masquerading as the P.C. Police who might be reading this, please know these are, of course, meant in good fun with tongue firmly planted in cheek).

For example, why not dress as White Mr. T? All you need is a tank top, lots of gold chains, and shave those blonde locks into a "fro-hawk". (Then just keep calling people "Fool" in your best whiny white kid voice.) In the same vein, why not go as a Black Mr. Rogers? A quick trip to JCPenney to fetch a sweater, pinpoint oxford shirt, and slacks and you're good to go. (If you want to "smoove" it up you can add some dark sunglasses, a Jay-Z style long chain and cross worn over the sweater, and some Fubu sneakers instead of his trademark slippers.) You can even be a White Michael Jackson...no wait...a Black Michael Jackson...ummm...

You can certainly mix the stereotypes to produce some interesting costuming options. How about going as a Black Mafia Boss or perhaps a White Latin King member or even a Hispanic Old Jewish Couple? (Remember, all in jest people.)

Okay, then how about bucking some Halloween stereotypes? Anyone can go as a ghost or a werewolf or a fairy princess.

If you want to stand out though, why not go as Diabetic Dracula? Standard Dracula costume with a pillow in the pants for some obesity and some props including a vile of insulin or a glucose monitor. When trick-or-treating just be really irritable until you get some candy and say, "I want to suck your blood sugar."

How about Neurotic Frankenstein. Again, standard Frankenstein costume is all that is required. Then instead of grunting incoherently you can keep complaining about the bolts in your neck giving you a rash and worrying about the other women at the party thinking your jacket makes you look fat and pretentious.

Then there's Feminist Witch. Drag the old witch costume out of the basement. Just add a black t-shirt with the quote, "Wolfmen, their rights and nothing more; witches, their rights and nothing less". DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT BRINGING A BROOM WITH YOU! Instead bring a protestor's sign with Gloria Steinem's photo on it and keep chanting in full throat, "History is herstory too!"

Of course, there are many unique and obscure Halloween costume ideas you can experiment with as well.

With some various creative touches you could go as a:

* Foreclosed Home - Just don't bring a Trick or Treat basket with you or the bank will try to seize that as an asset.

* Swine Flu Vaccine - You'll be the life of your Halloween party as everyone will want to get a piece of you (hopefully you won't be offended if people start "snorting" the top of your head with their noses), but then you have to keep "running out"...of the room.

* White House Stimulus Jobs Report - Very simple costume to put together: bull's horns for your head and a quick trip to Home Depot's garden department to cover yourself in a bag of manure.

* Balloon Boy & His Dad - Just dress in a standard orange prison jump suit and handcuffs and instead of saying "Trick or Treat" you'll be pitching reality show ideas. The good thing is if you don't have a child to play Balloon Boy that's okay. You just tell people he's hiding in the attic...I mean missing.

* Health Care Reform Bill - Just tape lots of papers to your body with numerous addendums, riders and corrections on them. Try to find the houses in your area that are not giving out treats to Trick-or-Treaters. When you ring their doorbells, tell them it is required for them to carry some form of candy on Halloween or their family can be fined up to $1,500 by the government. (After all, there is an affordale, government run public candy option available to them.)

And what am I going as this Halloween you may ask? I can't decide between a cross-dressing, headless Jon Goselin or a robotic cowboy Obama Zombie. And no, don't ask me to explain the costumes.

Channeling My Inner Carlin

This is probably not the most heart-warming blog I've ever penned (or keyed) but over the last month or so I have become increasingly fed up with various segments of society, pop culture and politics. In fact, my frustration levels have peaked so high with some of these nimrods that I find myself channeling my "inner George Carlin".

My childhood comedic idol, Carlin always had a penchant for calmly and succinctly summing up his feelings towards any individual or group that rubbed him the wrong way (i.e. "Here are some more individuals who need to be beaten upside the head repeatedly with heavy mining equipment.")

So without any further adieu, as my mentor and master would say, "Here are some more low-grade morons who oughta be locked in portable toilets and set on fire!":

* The little smirky bastard from the AT&T Wireless commercials who keeps throwing out his mother's "old minutes".

* Experts who make a cottage-industry out of "projecting" full-season fantasy football statistics for individual players three months before the football season even starts. Is that even legal?

* Vultures like Nancy Grace and that forever-constipated looking clone of hers (Jane Velez-Mitchell or whatever) on HLN who feed on the daily suffering of others to fill their shows with content while wrapping themselves in their own self-importance as responsible public servants.

* TV networks that cram 50 commercials an hour down every one's throats for new, overly hyped TV shows that will quickly find their way to cancellation within a month's time (i.e. Flash Forward, Community, The Good Wife, The Cleveland Show, Brothers and The Vampire Diaries. Glee will probably do okay - but I am so sick of hearing about it!)

* People who e-mail in all bolded, red-fonted caps with more than one exclamation point at the end of a sentence to display anger or emotion.

* All of the unkempt, smart-ass, celebrity stalker ass clowns on TMZ.

* So-called resume experts who for a price will get your resume "noticed". How? By manipulating the verbiage in the subject line of your e-mail since that's the only part of your resume most employers ever see before sending your e-mail and resume, along with the thousands of others just like your's that they never look at, to "cyber purgatory" (sorry George, needed to borrow that one.)

* The FreeCreditReport.com singers. Nails on a freakin' chalkboard. Solution: Lock them in a cage with the monotone singing girl in the orange jacket and hooker boots from the Comcast commercials and chum the shark tank at Sea World.

* The Big "O" and his band of congressional dopes who are even entertaining the idea of "fining" American citizens like me who do not carry health insurance because I can't afford it. Start creating some jobs en masse (and don't worry about if they're green, blue, or burnt siena...jobs of any "hue" will suffice) and maybe some of us can afford to be healthy again.

* People who use the cliched terms, "With that said..." or "That being said..." in place of the word "So..." to make themselves sound important or educated.

* The vampires at ESPN for broadcasting every game (including sub regionals) of the Little League World Series and regular season high school football and basketball games. Can you at least not suck the fun and innocence out of the lives of these young athletes at this level? Does everything in sports really need branding or publicity?

* Experts who keep assigning an arrival time and date for the H1N1 virus. (i.e. The Swine Flu virus should arrive in Chicago in October.) Does this virus have a world tour set up complete with concert t-shirts and roadies that I'm not aware of? We can't determine with any certainty when an airplane with no empty seats will take off but we can predict the travel habits of an airborne virus?

* People suffering from the delusion that the Olympics coming to Chicago would be a great boon for the city. Everyone is entitled to their opinion pro or con and that's fine. However, if you are pro for the Olympics coming to Chicago, I feel you must then be tagged with an electronic marker, much like cattle, and the moment you complain one bit about excessive traffic delays during the games, stalled economic growth after the games or higher taxes to pay for it all, a 50,000 watt electrical current will immediately be unleashed throughout your body for a duration of no less than 27 minutes.

* Telemarketers who complain about the No-Call List infringing on their right to earn a living. How about my right to not be bothered by idiots during dinner? And seriously, what kind of a living can you earn as a telemarketer? Has anyone ever actually bought or signed up for something offered to you by a telemarketer? Wow, that $5 gas card really sounds like a great deal for the $200 in fees over the course of a year that I'm going to pay you by signing up for your "Credit Protector" plan!

* Politicians who think taxes on "luxury items" like cigarettes, alcohol, candy and pop are going to help offset city budget deficits and in the long term breed a healthier generation of people which will lessen the impact on health care costs. People who are addicted to tobacco, booze and sugar, just like people who are addicted to cocaine or heroin, are not going to care that they have to pay more for a fix. What will happen though is eventually the tax will become modern day prohibition and before you know it jails will be overflowing with repeat offenders cited for "Illegal Possession with Intent to Distribute Mountain Dew and Junior Mints."

* I'll end on a lighter note with one of my favorite George-isms: "Bad hair day? Where did this sh__ come from? What a superficial culture! Put on a hat and go to work you shallow c__t!"

Ah, George...I miss you so much!