Channeling My Inner Carlin

This is probably not the most heart-warming blog I've ever penned (or keyed) but over the last month or so I have become increasingly fed up with various segments of society, pop culture and politics. In fact, my frustration levels have peaked so high with some of these nimrods that I find myself channeling my "inner George Carlin".

My childhood comedic idol, Carlin always had a penchant for calmly and succinctly summing up his feelings towards any individual or group that rubbed him the wrong way (i.e. "Here are some more individuals who need to be beaten upside the head repeatedly with heavy mining equipment.")

So without any further adieu, as my mentor and master would say, "Here are some more low-grade morons who oughta be locked in portable toilets and set on fire!":

* The little smirky bastard from the AT&T Wireless commercials who keeps throwing out his mother's "old minutes".

* Experts who make a cottage-industry out of "projecting" full-season fantasy football statistics for individual players three months before the football season even starts. Is that even legal?

* Vultures like Nancy Grace and that forever-constipated looking clone of hers (Jane Velez-Mitchell or whatever) on HLN who feed on the daily suffering of others to fill their shows with content while wrapping themselves in their own self-importance as responsible public servants.

* TV networks that cram 50 commercials an hour down every one's throats for new, overly hyped TV shows that will quickly find their way to cancellation within a month's time (i.e. Flash Forward, Community, The Good Wife, The Cleveland Show, Brothers and The Vampire Diaries. Glee will probably do okay - but I am so sick of hearing about it!)

* People who e-mail in all bolded, red-fonted caps with more than one exclamation point at the end of a sentence to display anger or emotion.

* All of the unkempt, smart-ass, celebrity stalker ass clowns on TMZ.

* So-called resume experts who for a price will get your resume "noticed". How? By manipulating the verbiage in the subject line of your e-mail since that's the only part of your resume most employers ever see before sending your e-mail and resume, along with the thousands of others just like your's that they never look at, to "cyber purgatory" (sorry George, needed to borrow that one.)

* The FreeCreditReport.com singers. Nails on a freakin' chalkboard. Solution: Lock them in a cage with the monotone singing girl in the orange jacket and hooker boots from the Comcast commercials and chum the shark tank at Sea World.

* The Big "O" and his band of congressional dopes who are even entertaining the idea of "fining" American citizens like me who do not carry health insurance because I can't afford it. Start creating some jobs en masse (and don't worry about if they're green, blue, or burnt siena...jobs of any "hue" will suffice) and maybe some of us can afford to be healthy again.

* People who use the cliched terms, "With that said..." or "That being said..." in place of the word "So..." to make themselves sound important or educated.

* The vampires at ESPN for broadcasting every game (including sub regionals) of the Little League World Series and regular season high school football and basketball games. Can you at least not suck the fun and innocence out of the lives of these young athletes at this level? Does everything in sports really need branding or publicity?

* Experts who keep assigning an arrival time and date for the H1N1 virus. (i.e. The Swine Flu virus should arrive in Chicago in October.) Does this virus have a world tour set up complete with concert t-shirts and roadies that I'm not aware of? We can't determine with any certainty when an airplane with no empty seats will take off but we can predict the travel habits of an airborne virus?

* People suffering from the delusion that the Olympics coming to Chicago would be a great boon for the city. Everyone is entitled to their opinion pro or con and that's fine. However, if you are pro for the Olympics coming to Chicago, I feel you must then be tagged with an electronic marker, much like cattle, and the moment you complain one bit about excessive traffic delays during the games, stalled economic growth after the games or higher taxes to pay for it all, a 50,000 watt electrical current will immediately be unleashed throughout your body for a duration of no less than 27 minutes.

* Telemarketers who complain about the No-Call List infringing on their right to earn a living. How about my right to not be bothered by idiots during dinner? And seriously, what kind of a living can you earn as a telemarketer? Has anyone ever actually bought or signed up for something offered to you by a telemarketer? Wow, that $5 gas card really sounds like a great deal for the $200 in fees over the course of a year that I'm going to pay you by signing up for your "Credit Protector" plan!

* Politicians who think taxes on "luxury items" like cigarettes, alcohol, candy and pop are going to help offset city budget deficits and in the long term breed a healthier generation of people which will lessen the impact on health care costs. People who are addicted to tobacco, booze and sugar, just like people who are addicted to cocaine or heroin, are not going to care that they have to pay more for a fix. What will happen though is eventually the tax will become modern day prohibition and before you know it jails will be overflowing with repeat offenders cited for "Illegal Possession with Intent to Distribute Mountain Dew and Junior Mints."

* I'll end on a lighter note with one of my favorite George-isms: "Bad hair day? Where did this sh__ come from? What a superficial culture! Put on a hat and go to work you shallow c__t!"

Ah, George...I miss you so much!