It's that time of year again! March is the time when Brackets become more than just obscure punctuation. At this Big Dance, Cinderella trades in glass slippers for sneakers and the Belle of the Ball does not always get One Shining Moment. In March, 16 is Sweet but 4 is much more! And the only cure for this Madness is hoops, hoops and more hoops!
Yes, the NCAA Basketball Tournament begins again next week and for the ensuing three weekends a great majority of the nation will be fixated on all the excitement leading up to the Final Four and the wholly anti-climatic Championship Game - the winner of which receives what is essentially a lovingly Swiffered piece of driftwood that passes for the sport's National Champions trophy.
All hyperbole aside, the crowning of the winner or really which teams are even selected, are both a moot point to most Madness Mavens. The true appeal of this tournament occurs well before the first Thursday morning game even tips. That is when the match-ups are announced on Selection Sunday and the process begins of filling out one or more brackets (or in some cases, several more) in your office pool by systematically picking the winners of each of the four Regionals' games all the way through the Championship Game.
My thought (and for the record it's not an original one as Terry Boers and Dan Bernstein of The Score WSCR 670-AM have patented and perfected a similar idea over the past few years called the "Tournament of Bad") is to take the Bracket model of the NCAA Tournament and apply it to things in my own life - such as my many personal pet peeves - then set the match-ups, fill out the brackets and let the fun begin!
In the interest of time, we'll pare the field from 64 to 16 (Top 15 seeds plus the winner of the two teams in the "play in game").
First in the "play-in game", with the right to face the #1 overall seed on the line, we have "White chocolate" versus "P90X".
BREAKDOWN: White chocolate may possibly be one of the most horrendous things you could ever voluntarily put in your mouth. The fact that the selection committee relegated it to the indignity of playing its way into the field of 16 should be motivation enough.
I'm still not entirely sure what P90X is or what it does. The first time I saw a commercial for it I thought it was a new video game system rather than a fitness program. Since then I have seen a million more commercials for it and every one of their paid spokespeople that I have heard from swears by it - which is reason enough for me NOT to use it.
WINNER: Too vile to be denied - white chocolate advances!
The #1 seed is "Arrogant asswipes who take up more than one parking space" against the #16 seed "White chocolate".
BREAKDOWN: A true mismatch in every sense of the word. White chocolate may be akin to eating semi-sweet soap but these smug D.B.'s who feel entitled to an extra third of parking room on each side of their gas-guzzling, rim-spinning 4x4s or Humvees are in a league of their own and certainly have the advantage here.
WINNER: Parking space asswipes in a rout.
The #2 seed is "The month of February" versus the #15 seed "The 101".
BREAKDOWN: Similarly constructed teams in so far as both really offer nothing of value really to anyone. Think about the month of February from an entertainment perspective. With the exception of the Super Bowl being played during February's first weekend (which is only a recent phenomenon after always being played at the end of January forever) there is a whole lot of nothing. Oh wait...this year we had the Winter Olympics. Okay, I stand corrected...less than nothing. TV shows? Reality garbage and reruns. Movies? Note to Motion Picture Association of America: If a film is released in February, please assign the rating of "B" for Bad. Between cheesy date flicks whose sole purpose is to showcase mismatched, rotating ensemble casts of beautiful people (She's Not That Into You, Valentine's Day, etc.) or blood-curdling, capricious violence-for-violence's-sake slasher movies (Hostel, Saw, The Crazies, etc.) that all will be released on Blu Ray by Easter, it's easy to see why February is the shortest month of the year for a reason.
The 101 (also known as Channel 101 on DirectTV) is essentially the Goodwill store of satellite TV. We have 24-hours of dayparts to fill - we'll take anything. Programming consists of network shows on life support (Friday Night Lights, etc.), "exclusive concerts" by no-name Indie bands or has-been pop performers and watching live radio talk shows as they happen.
WINNER: The 101 keeps it close but February's depth (or perhaps lack thereof) helps it pulls away in the second half.
The 3 and 14 match-up pits "Alternate sports jerseys" against the upstart "Energy efficient light bulbs".
BREAKDOWN: Back in the summer of 1990, I attended "Turn Back the Clock Day" at the old Comiskey Park, in what I believe may have been the first team sporting event (at least locally anyway) to showcase the concept of "an alternate jersey". In that particular game between the White Sox and Brewers, the South Siders donned vintage replica jerseys to pay homage to the infamous Black Sox team of the late 1910's. The idea became a hit and since that game, I have noticed a resounding proliferation of "third" jerseys popping up all over the sporting landscape...and sometimes "fourth" and "fifth" ones as well! I realize this all comes down to marketing and merchandise sales but come on! How many jerseys do the Cleveland Cavaliers fans or the Oregon Ducks football team need? I'll turn on my TV and half the time I don't even know who I'm watching!
I'm all for eco-friendliness and saving money on my electric bills. I'm also all about being able to actually see when I turn on a light in my house and I have yet to encounter an energy-efficient light bulb that offers much more luminescence than your average birthday candle.
WINNER: The bulbs match the competition's energy for 40 minutes but in the end the jerseys' confusing offensive style wins out.
#4 "TV Shows that have 'jumped the shark' in 2009-10" takes on #13 "Foursquare".
BREAKDOWN: The term "jumped the shark" is a reference to an episode of the hit 1970's TV show Happy Days when Fonzie jumps his motorcycle over a shark tank as a promotional stunt on the show. From that moment on, the quality of the subsequent episodes just seemed to lack that same spark that made Happy Days so popular to begin with. Beloved, successful TV shows that seem to have "stopped trying", "run out of new ideas" or worse yet, try new "gimicky" ideas or tweeks with casting that more often than not blow up in the shows' producers' faces are considered having "jumped the shark". The Simpsons "jumped the shark" around 1999 (yet somehow Fox has managed to continue to produce new episodes for another 11 seasons and counting). Lost "jumped" two seasons ago but at least had the forethought to recognize that fact and end on a higher note this season. American Idol got "shark bitten" last season with the addition of the fourth judge, Kara. This season's unfortunate victims of these unprovoked "shark attacks" sadly include some of my personal favorites: 24, Entourage and The Office.
Because my cell phone is a "dumb phone", in that it can only make phone calls and text, I have not yet been privileged to take advantage of all the wonderful "apps" that have enriched the lives of so many. Through my various interactions with people I know via Twitter and Facebook, I recently became aware of a new, emerging social media technology called Foursquare; which during one's travels gives the user the opportunity to "check in" at various places along their route such as a restaurant or other public places. It also turns the game of life into an actual game whereby one can earn points and rewards merely for going to these places. I have no problems with any technology that encourages people to actually leave their house. What I do have a problem with is letting the world know that I have in fact left my house - essentially alerting anyone in your social media sphere of influence not only that I'm not home (so come on by and ransack the place) but here's where I am now so come and stalk me afterwards.
WINNER: In an upset, the #13 seed knocks off the #4 seed. Bad TV just can't compare with the ammunition Foursquare affords the creepy.
The #5 seeded "Bad grammar - especially from college educated people" gets the #12 seeded "Justin Bieber".
BREAKDOWN: Any other year, bad grammar would have been a unanimous #1 seed. Like styrofoam nails on a wet chalkboard, bad grammar is the last true litmus test to effectively weed out the stupid. Cause weather or not you conquer, they're definately ain't not nothing worst then to half to here alot of pour grammer! Its enough to make you loose you're witts! Blech! I need a shower! And sadly the individuals that really have no excuse for their diarrhea of the mouth and pen because of the constant scrutiny their grammar should be receiving - namely college students - are the biggest offenders. So am I possibly growing more patient and temperate of such transgressions? Hell no! I've just come to realize what everyone else with a college degree probably already realized: you don't need to be smart to graduate college. College students are just as dumb as anybody (which gives me hope that one day I too can be a college graduate!) But please people: Their (possessive), There (a location) and They're (contraction for "they are") are pretty easy to distinguish from one another. I know the ass-backwards apostrophe usage of it's (contraction for "it is") and its (possessive) flies in the face of every logical bone in your bodies...get over it and use it properly!
If you have never heard of Justin Bieber, don't fret. I only became aware of him within the last few months. However, if you are on Twitter for any marked length of time during the day and claim you have never heard of him, I'm afraid a vision test may be in the offing for you. Twitter just recently celebrated its 10 billionth tweet and I'd have to guess that at least half of those referenced this latest teen pop music "flavor of the month" in one form or another. Bieber spends more time atop the Twitter Trending Topics list than his music has atop the pop charts (they still have those, right?) Can't I just have one Bieber-free day of tweeting?
WINNER: Bad grammar pulls away late after Bieber fouls out for too many Twitter hash tags.
An interesting match-up to watch at the 6 and 11 spot where #6 "We Are The World 2010" tangles with "Whiny Generation X'ers who bitch about the Millennials taking their jobs."
BREAKDOWN: This is going to sound deeper than intended but attempting to catch lightning in a bottle a second time can result in being badly burned. Remember Woodstock '99? Good. Neither do I...and that's the point. You can't recreate a once in a lifetime moment even with the most noblest of intentions! The idea behind We Are The World 2010 - raising money for the victims of the Haiti earthquake by bringing together the entertainment industry's finest and attempting to recapture the magic that the original song generated a quarter century earlier - seemed like a great idea on paper but to say it was poorly executed would be a gross understatement. I admit my take on this may be biased given my penchant for hating on most modern pop music but this electronically bastardized incarnation of the song I feel not only cheapens the lasting impact of the original but also waters down the broader objective behind it which is helping people in need. So now what? When do we get the Chilean remix to help those poor people? Yes, the money raised from the song's proceeds is a great thing and I'm not poo-pooing the effort. I'm saying for an industry supposedly built on creativity, all the entertainment industry knows how to do well is recycle and rebrand old ideas.
Millennials are the 18-29 year old young adults bent on world domination through their idealism, motivation and their ability to organize and affect global change through their Blackberries and iPhones. They are by far the most educated, socially conscious, tech savvy, coffee-drinkingest generation to date. They know nothing of a life without the Internet, cable TV or cell phones. They are the future right now and there is a perception out there amongst the unemployed that Millennials may be unintentionally turning the dirt on a lot of Generation X and their hopes for career stability or even gainful employment. After all, why hire a 30-something, technically adroit, college graduate with 7+ years of direct experience when you can hire a 20-something MBA who can do it for a lot cheaper salary and with less professional baggage to unload? Well guess what? I'm a Gen X'er and I'm here to tell my bretheren that if you don't like your situation...change it! I did, I'm continuing to do so, and I'm never going to stop doing so! When I kept losing out on jobs I realized I needed more education - so I'm getting it now! I needed more skills - so I'm building them now! Quit your bitching about being part of some lost generation that society turned its back on! Geez. Don't hate on the Millennial kids and don't hate on yourself. You control your own life! Go do something with it! My only complaint about the Millennials is that I wish they'd stop calling me "sir". I'm only 6-7 years removed from your little coffee enema club, you know?
WINNER: An ugly game but in the end We Are The World 2010 issues a resounding beat down of my whiny X gamers.
#7 seed "Jewelry on men" meets the #10 seed "Beauty pageants".
BREAKDOWN: I totally appreciate jewelry as a fashion accessory. It can add that finishing touch to tie together a sharp outfit or make a bold fashion statement...FOR A WOMAN! Come on guys! Seriously! What screams, "NOTICE ME, PLEASE!" more than working the shimmering, gaudy gold Herringbone bracelet, sporting those gothic hoop earrings up and down one's ear lobe or rocking the 2" thick sterling silver Figaro chain with the big cross nesting in your chest hair? Jay-Z, Eminem and Tony Soprano can pull off that look. You can't...so just stop already! And if you are wearing jewelry for religious reasons, can you at least do us the courtesy of keeping it tucked into your shirt and out of plain view? Leave the bling to the babes and if you want to get noticed try growing a personality.
Ah, where to start? Okay, deep breaths...beauty pageants. As most of my pageant friends come from the Miss America system they probably will take little offense to criticisms of beauty pageants since Miss America is, after all, not a "beauty pageant" but rather a "scholarship organization". (Yes, and watching the majesty that is a presentation of honorariums to worthy students by a leading scholarship provider is must see TV!) To borrow a trite pageant cliche, it is what it is! Stop trying to hide from what you are! Miss America is a beauty pageant and a great one at that...or was until they took the pageant out of it and obfuscated the beauty portion with the notion that she also needs to be an impossible dychotomy of Stephen Hawking, Beyonce and Mother Theresa, all in a futile effort to separate themselves from their competition: the dreaded Miss USA Pageant - where Beauty is Queen and Dumb is King...or so the media coverage would have you believe (Carrie Prejean, Tara Conner, Miss Teen SC, etc.)
Okay, tangent time! Need a 20-second time-out here ref! I realize this may be pageant blasphemy but in this world of Sprint eating Nextel or PNC eating National City, isn't it about time for a merger between these two organizations? Combine both pageants into one by retaining the Miss America name recognition while leveraging the Miss USA TV cred. Let Donnie Trump and Artie McMaster fight over the profits and who gets which chair in the boardroom. Drop this ridiculous fundraising requirement (masquerading as "not an entry fee") for contestants that almost seems to border on money laundering and drives away a number of young women from competing. Encourage the community service aspect but don't make it a factor in judging. Retain talent to go along with interview, swimsuit and evening gown but weight them equally at 25%. The scores (which will be shown on TV), not the Final Ballot, determine the winner. Background checks will be administered to all contestants to ensure no unexpected "surprises" emerge. In addition to prepping for the Miss Universe pageant, the focus of Miss America's year will be less on promoting organizational causes and more on rebuilding brand recognition - especially amongst the younger generation of girls who hold the fate of this pageant's future in their hands. State organizations will be overseen by Miss America "regional governors" and will serve solely in a support capacity to help prepare the state titleholder for Miss America and see to her business and public affairs. Scholarships will be awarded to state titleholders but will be funded by the national organization. No more scandals, no more reality shows, no political or personal agendas, no pageant judges with ambiguous judging criteria! Just one pageant where the prettiest, most stylish, most intelligent and most talented contestant is named Miss America...period. Now, let's talk about the putrid Toddlers and Tiaras crowd...oops...time-out is over! Another time perhaps...
WINNER: Oh yeah, almost forgot. Jewelry on men takes it after an exhausting quadruple-overtime battle of attrition over beauty pageants.
And our final first round match-up: #8 "Idiot drivers that pull out in front of you at the last second" vs. #9 "Preseason sports"
BREAKDOWN: Tell me if this has happened to you before...in fact, scratch that. Only tell me if this has NEVER happened to you before. You're driving along on a normal stretch of road at a normal, possibly even above-average rate of speed (not quite Tony Stewart but certainly not Aunt Bea). As you come up on a side street that intersects with the main road, you notice another car pulling up to the line to stop and wait for its opportunity to turn onto or merge into traffic. Unfortunately that genius behind the wheel decides to come to a rolling stop (or not stop at all) and quickly makes their move into traffic while squealing their tires and essentially cutting you off, sometimes at a distance of less than a few car lengths, knowing full well you will stop because in their minds, "He sees me." Despite all of the above referenced reckless behavior, for the most part, I actually don't even have much of a problem with it! It's when they go through all the hassle of speeding out into traffic to avoid getting stuck behind perceived slower cars and then decide themselves to slow their roll and ride the brake pedal for another 1/2 mile. Oh, it's okay to cut someone off and nearly cause an accident but I better take it slow out here. I'm driving on 3 speeding tickets! All these people should be cast into asphalt mixers and used to fill the various cavernous potholes throughout the city.
Training camp, spring training, midnight madness - these glorified exhibitions of calestenics, lay-up lines and playing pepper can only mean two things: the regular season is right around the corner...and meatheaded fans are bound to elevate someone into the Hall of Fame before camp breaks. It happens every year! In fact, I gave it a name. I call it the Gary Scott Award. Scott was a can't-miss phenom third base prospect with the Cubs in the 90's. One spring training year he hit around a .500 clip with a half-dozen home runs and bundles of RBIs off of mostly Triple A pitching while catching everything in sight at the hot corner. Rather than risk quelling his momentum by sending him to the minors for more seasoning and further alienating the impatient fan base, the Cubs brought him north with the big club when camp broke. Over the next three weeks Scott went onto hit less than a dollar and change, was sent back to the minors and was never heard from again. There's always a Gary Scott or a Lyle Mouton or an Autry Denson or a Tyler Arnasson who rocks the preseason that liquored-up fans immediately gravitate to and elevate to legendary status before these kids have even had a chance to fail. Then when you do get a Patrick Kane or a Gordon Beckham who lights it up from the word go, that just adds more fuel to "the fire and the passion" of these sporting dopes pining for this rush to annoint greatness. Aside from that, the preseason is as meaningless, and often as entertaining, as a team groin-stretching session and has no bearing whatsoever on how successful your team will be when the games do count. The fact that team owners are able to successfully milk additional dollars for tickets to these games from the collective teet of some of these fans really does boggle the mind.
WINNER: None. (Kind of like WarGames after JOSHUA realizes the futility of Global Thermonuclear War.) Both teams are deemed equally bad and therefore we have a draw! Both are eliminated to be replaced with a new #8 1/2 seed "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve"
Now the Elite Eight features:
#1 "Arrogant asswipes who take up more than one parking space" vs. #13 "Foursquare"
Cinderella's carriage ride ends here as arrogant asswipes are definitely "the Mayor of this match-up".
#2 "The month of February" vs. #8 1/2 "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve"
I don't know which is scarier: the pasty white corpse of Dick Clark or the pasty white, permanently botoxed corpse of Ryan Seacrest. That's a one-two combination that is tough to reckon with. February is history!
#3 "Alternate sports jerseys" vs. #7 "Jewelry on men"
Combine the two into men wearing jewelry and alternate sports jerseys and you've got next year's National Champion. In the meantime, jewelry on men moves up in class and knocks off alternate sports jerseys.
#5 "Bad grammar" vs. #6 "We Are the World 2010"
Going "nails on chalkboard" here. The filanthropic principals of We Are the World 2010 have no affect on bad grammar. I know...I'll stop now.
Then in the National Semifinal...also known as the Final Four:
#1 "Arrogant asswipes" vs. #8 1/2 "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve"
Somebody please alert Dick Clark's next of kin that he lost...and also that he died about 10 years ago.
#5 "Bad grammar" vs. #7 "Jewelry on men"
Close one but no bling for jewelry on men this season!
And in the Championship Game...congradulations (sorry, I couldn't resist) to "Bad Grammar" - your 2010 March Badness National Champions!
Now what do we do about filling the N.I.T. bracket with the Badness also-rans?
Anyone excited about a match-up between "Starbucks that don't accept Starbucks gift cards" vs. "Thousand Island dressing" or "People with more than 2,000 Facebook friends" vs. "Teeth whitening banner ads"?
