First of all, I know. I've been lax in keeping up with "My Piles". Won't happen again. Now, our feature presentation...
PREMISE: Assume for the moment that time travel not only is a distinct possibility but a genuine probability right now. Assume also that the adverse side effects of propelling a human being backwards through time, such as one's molecules spontaneously combusting by exponentially increasing their own personal acceleration by a factor of ten times the speed of light, have also been "taken care of" (and not by our good engineer friends at Toyota either). Further assume that it is possible to introduce what essentially would be alien technology to our more formative cultures without fundamentally altering the...okay, nuts to this science fair mumbo-jumbo!
I want to take social media back to the past to follow history's greatest Tweeters and Friends. Got it? Work with me on this people.
Just imagine how different the post-Civil War era might have been if Ford's Theater had Wi-Fi. History might record that as John Wilkes Booth prepared to make his move into President Lincoln's theater box, he drew his trusty Deringer from his suit jacket pocket and as he prepared to fire...his mobile started blowing up with:
"JWB?"
"Sup?"
"Where u at?"
"We hangin 2nite?"
"Text ittttt"
By the time he responded to all of his crew, the play had concluded and the President's entourage was well on their way back to the White House. As he exited the theater, frustrated by distraction, he updated his Facebook status as: "Sic Temper iPhonus".
Matchmaking websites have certainly had their fair share of influence on writing the stories of many couples but could it help rewrite the story of history's original couple?
After God created man and woman, he then wired The Garden of Eden with 3G Wi-Max. One day Adam signed up for eHarmony.com and within minutes he received his first match. He kept searching for others but was becoming increasingly frustrated by the number of matches he was receiving...one. "How many women are on this site?" he asked.
Then after God created Free Communication Weekend, Adam uploaded a younger-looking profile photo, lied about his age and changed his Interests to: "Eating Fruit" and "Rebelling Against Authority" and he and Eve lived happily ever after in sin.
During Revolutionary times, Twitter certainly could have saved Paul Revere, or more specifically his horse, a lot of wear and tear on his historic ride.
SamuelAdams Thanks Paulie! RT @Paul_Revere The Red Coats are coming!
NHaler 5 Ways to Identify a #RedCoat http://bit.ly/ohj439 RT @Paul_Revere The Red Coats are coming!
GeoWash RT @Paul_Revere The Red Coats are coming!
JPJones Aw snap! RT @Paul_Revere The Red Coats are coming!
SybLud1776 RT @Paul_Revere The Red Coats are coming!
What about the mystery behind the identity of the notorious Deep Throat during the Richard Nixon Watergate Scandal? It took nearly four decades to discover that William Mark Felt, Sr. was in fact Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein's "source" that blew the roof off the investigation of the Nixon White House. Although some still dispute that finding, Deep Throat could have easily been outed a lot earlier.
Imagine Woodward and Bernstein calling for another midnight clandestine meeting with their "source". As the two arrive at the Manhattan parking garage, they are met by a cadre of Secret Service agents and CIA operatives with a dejected Deep Throat in custody in the back of a black van. The two reporters later log into Foursquare and discover that just prior to midnight DeepThrt4Evr checked in, earned a "Crunked Badge" and "became the Mayor" of that parking garage.
As for the secret Nixon recordings, those would have been on YouTube faster than you could say G. Gordon Liddy.
The original Colonies' desire to assert their freedom from the tyranny of Great Britain could have gained much more viral momentum with Facebook:
Thomas Jefferson posted a note "The unanimous Declaration of the 13 united States of America"
"When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth..."
John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, John Hancock and 13 others like this
Only 140-characters for William Shakespeare to update his current status on Twitter? What would that be like?
"The tapestry of the morn is woven of crimson waves & amber ribbon and lo from deep within the caverns of mine lovelorn bosom I say to thee I..."
While I'm sure Facebook's many apps would have held some appeal in historical circles, I think it's safe to say even Al Capone would have gotten sick of Mafia Wars...though I do think he might have become a fan of Bejeweled Blitz.
And just think of the horrible atrocities that have plagued human history that could have been avoided with the grass roots social uprising initiatives provided by Facebook Groups:
Malcom X joined the group I'm so tired of ignorant people saying they're not racist when they really are
Joseph, Mary and 10 other friends joined the group If this group gets one million followers then they won't crucify Jesus
Classical music wunderkind Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart tried to take advantage of the convenience of MySpace Music but after the third lack of movement of his web browser (due to his MySpace page constantly crashing IE6 when loading) the gifted composer's health and spirit quickly deteriorate...all while Mozart's arch nemesis Sallieri, laughing himself into insanity from his cell in a mental institution, screams "MySpace is GeoCities! HaHaHaHa!"
And although Twitter would be of great help in a lot of history's most memorable moments, American heroine Amelia Earhardt's mysterious disappearance would not have been one of them. After all, no one can ever find anyone with Twitter's People Search function.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
A Warm Fuzzy Ball of Perspective
With "shopping days" dwindling to mere "shopping hours" and complex decisions over which chain restaurant's gift card will best define my gift-giving thoughtfulness, sometimes it really is the simple things that make the holidays shine in your heart.
Take today for example. I don't have too many holiday traditions but one I continue to nurture is my annual trip to my local pet shelter. I always bring canned food for the dogs, bags of cat litter for the cats and treats for all the animals. One of the nice things about this shelter is they let most of the cats roam free in the "Kitty Room" so potential adoptive parents can experience their personalities out in the open as opposed to "behind bars".
As I made my way around the room petting and talking to some of the free-range felines, I happened upon a big black tub-o-kitty named Sheba sleeping on one of the cat bunks. At first she was kind of disinterested but eventually I could tell she liked the attention I was giving her - scratching her neck and all. After some additional kitty conversation with her and some more petting, I was going to move on to see some of the other residents...but Sheba wasn't having any of that. She jumped off her throne and followed me around the room weaving in and out of my legs until I just about fell on my face. We played with one of the toys I brought for awhile and eventually I just sat on the ground with her and without hesitation Sheba crawled up on my lap, curled herself into a ball and purred with contentment. She even brought her paws to my face and gave me a kitty kiss on my forehead. It was a connection I had not made with anyone (human or otherwise) since I first adopted my best friend Pook nearly 15 years ago.
About an hour into my visit after I had paid my respects to all the cats, gave Sheba a goodbye stroke behind her ears and walked out of the Kitty Room feeling good after a really fun visit. As I was about to leave, I asked one of the attendants about Sheba's story. She proceeded to tell me that she had been adopted three times in the last year and each time was returned within a couple months with reasons that included "my owner wanted a different color cat" or "my family didn't want me anymore".
I'm sorry...I'm actually pausing writing for a second here because it's a little overwhelming to hear that and I cannot stop crying when I think about it.
This loving creature who had so much love and affection to give me, a complete and total stranger, was just discarded like a soiled diaper not once...but three times! And not for clawing up the couch, not for hissing at the family dog, not for making the kids allergic...not for anything that was her fault...she was abandoned just because she wasn't wanted or needed anymore.
I wiped the tears away, went back inside, found Sheba and played with her for another hour-and-a-half before they closed for the day.
And while I wish I could give you the storybook ending that I immediately adopted her and brought her home for the holidays, that's just not a feasible option for me at this time. However, I did make the shelter promise me they would keep me up to date on her adoption status and I will make it a point to visit her at least once every couple weeks until she does find a good home.
Sitting here thinking about that cat, the bond we forged in that brief time together, the kinship we share and the hardships from 2009 we can both relate to on a lot of levels, brings out a bevy of emotions in me but it also brings me perspective.
I've had a rough year. I get down on myself a lot for some of the failures I've had and some of the decisions I've made. There are days when I think my situation can't get any worse and then it does. There are days when I feel like I don't have a friend in the world. Then there are times I think deep down I must be a really bad person to deserve all this. No doubt, it has been rough on me.
Then I look at Sheba. Think about her self-esteem after being rejected by three different families. Her situation couldn't possibly get any worse after the first two rejections, could it? Incredibly, yes, it did! Think about what she must be feeling about all that: "Boy, I must be a really awful cat for someone to return me three separate times!" I at least have some control over my situation. She has no control over it! She's just an innocent animal. It's heart-breaking and frankly it's eye-opening to me as well.
Yes, I've had a rough year but my experience with Sheba made me realize I'm pretty lucky too. I have a home. I have a job...it doesn't pay well and it's not ultimately what I want to do for a living but it is a job. I may not have a ton of friends but I'm grateful for the few I have whose love and support I appreciate. I'm not a bad person and this "rough patch" I'm in right now is not all my fault and will eventually get better.
I guess the moral of the story I'm trying to impart here is things are not always as bad as they seem and could be a lot worse.
And if you have the opportunity to make a difference in some one's (or some thing's) life who might be worse off than you, avail yourself of that opportunity. Those small connections you make will brighten your situation and theirs.
I hope it did with my new friend Sheba and I know it did with me.
Merry Christmas and Happy 2010 everybody!
Take today for example. I don't have too many holiday traditions but one I continue to nurture is my annual trip to my local pet shelter. I always bring canned food for the dogs, bags of cat litter for the cats and treats for all the animals. One of the nice things about this shelter is they let most of the cats roam free in the "Kitty Room" so potential adoptive parents can experience their personalities out in the open as opposed to "behind bars".
As I made my way around the room petting and talking to some of the free-range felines, I happened upon a big black tub-o-kitty named Sheba sleeping on one of the cat bunks. At first she was kind of disinterested but eventually I could tell she liked the attention I was giving her - scratching her neck and all. After some additional kitty conversation with her and some more petting, I was going to move on to see some of the other residents...but Sheba wasn't having any of that. She jumped off her throne and followed me around the room weaving in and out of my legs until I just about fell on my face. We played with one of the toys I brought for awhile and eventually I just sat on the ground with her and without hesitation Sheba crawled up on my lap, curled herself into a ball and purred with contentment. She even brought her paws to my face and gave me a kitty kiss on my forehead. It was a connection I had not made with anyone (human or otherwise) since I first adopted my best friend Pook nearly 15 years ago.
About an hour into my visit after I had paid my respects to all the cats, gave Sheba a goodbye stroke behind her ears and walked out of the Kitty Room feeling good after a really fun visit. As I was about to leave, I asked one of the attendants about Sheba's story. She proceeded to tell me that she had been adopted three times in the last year and each time was returned within a couple months with reasons that included "my owner wanted a different color cat" or "my family didn't want me anymore".
I'm sorry...I'm actually pausing writing for a second here because it's a little overwhelming to hear that and I cannot stop crying when I think about it.
This loving creature who had so much love and affection to give me, a complete and total stranger, was just discarded like a soiled diaper not once...but three times! And not for clawing up the couch, not for hissing at the family dog, not for making the kids allergic...not for anything that was her fault...she was abandoned just because she wasn't wanted or needed anymore.
I wiped the tears away, went back inside, found Sheba and played with her for another hour-and-a-half before they closed for the day.
And while I wish I could give you the storybook ending that I immediately adopted her and brought her home for the holidays, that's just not a feasible option for me at this time. However, I did make the shelter promise me they would keep me up to date on her adoption status and I will make it a point to visit her at least once every couple weeks until she does find a good home.
Sitting here thinking about that cat, the bond we forged in that brief time together, the kinship we share and the hardships from 2009 we can both relate to on a lot of levels, brings out a bevy of emotions in me but it also brings me perspective.
I've had a rough year. I get down on myself a lot for some of the failures I've had and some of the decisions I've made. There are days when I think my situation can't get any worse and then it does. There are days when I feel like I don't have a friend in the world. Then there are times I think deep down I must be a really bad person to deserve all this. No doubt, it has been rough on me.
Then I look at Sheba. Think about her self-esteem after being rejected by three different families. Her situation couldn't possibly get any worse after the first two rejections, could it? Incredibly, yes, it did! Think about what she must be feeling about all that: "Boy, I must be a really awful cat for someone to return me three separate times!" I at least have some control over my situation. She has no control over it! She's just an innocent animal. It's heart-breaking and frankly it's eye-opening to me as well.
Yes, I've had a rough year but my experience with Sheba made me realize I'm pretty lucky too. I have a home. I have a job...it doesn't pay well and it's not ultimately what I want to do for a living but it is a job. I may not have a ton of friends but I'm grateful for the few I have whose love and support I appreciate. I'm not a bad person and this "rough patch" I'm in right now is not all my fault and will eventually get better.
I guess the moral of the story I'm trying to impart here is things are not always as bad as they seem and could be a lot worse.
And if you have the opportunity to make a difference in some one's (or some thing's) life who might be worse off than you, avail yourself of that opportunity. Those small connections you make will brighten your situation and theirs.
I hope it did with my new friend Sheba and I know it did with me.
Merry Christmas and Happy 2010 everybody!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Rollin' Out the Red Carpet
Okay YouTube, you just made "the list".Since there seems to be some issues with YouTube's ability to digest the audio from the much anticipated "Jason Pawlowski's I-57 Adventure 2", I am now forced to hold the gala red carpet premiere on my blog site. That's okay...I prefer small, intimate gatherings over large crowds anyway.
If I can figure out how to get this flick surfing on the "Tube", I'll let everyone know.
For now...our Feature Presentation:
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Life's Perfect Little GPS
For the most part, Thanksgiving for me has always kind of been an afterthought like Groundhog's Day, Sweetest Day or Tax Day.
Never been much for turkey, pumpkin pie or cranberry anything. Usually I'm good with three or four fluffy biscuits, a mountain of mashed potatoes and a reservoir of butter followed by an expedient exit from the table to retire to my rightful ass groove on the couch, falling asleep to bad Detroit Lions football to awaken in a post turkey day-haze at some point between Black Friday and Cyber Monday.
Just like the lost notion that Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Christ (or on a less ethereal level: the celebration of peace on Earth and goodwill towards all men and women) and not a month-long, free-for-all, accumulation of material things to be blindly doled out en masse at four or five rigidly segmented "holiday parties" all within a 24-48 hour span, Thanksgiving is exactly what its name suggests: giving thanks...for what we have, for who we have and for what we have accomplished.
Whether you're all for tying on a Stove Top Stuffing enema at the dinner table or not, the true meaning of Thanksgiving is something I personally have never really embraced and frankly have always taken for granted.
Now I will be the first to admit this year has been one giant kick in the crotch after another for me with daily compounding interest. This past year alone I've lost (or in some cases had taken away from me without cause or explanation) jobs, money, health insurance, physical wellness, financial health, friends, hair, weight and at times - my joy, my dignity, my belief in myself and my hope and faith. Believe me, finding something to be thankful for in that cornucopia of "dreck" is going to take a high-powered NASA telescope with infrared lenses.
Despite all that, what the journey of this past year (and really the last couple of years) has taught me boils down to this basic concept: when you find yourself lost on the "road of life", sometimes thankfulness can be the perfect little GPS to get you back on track.
In other words, I think if we all stop and take personal inventory of all the great things in our lives (no matter how small or insignificant they may seem) that we DO HAVE to be thankful for, rather than fixating on what we NO LONGER HAVE, we will be much more realized human beings.
For example, I was (and still am, at times) really down about losing my job as editor, writer, and photographer for a small suburban newspaper a couple of years ago. That has been my dream job since I was a kid and one day, without warning, it was just pulled out from under me. It makes me angry beyond words just thinking about it.
Through that anger, what I often fail to realize and acknowledge, however, is that I actually got to live my dream...for three years! How many people can say that?
I ran a great newspaper - the way I wanted to see it run, writing my kind of stories, covering things I wanted to cover - for three whole years! There's not too many people in the world who get to say they lived their dream (and got paid well to do so) but I am one of them! That makes me feel amazing inside! I am so thankful for that!
Another angle with this story I have considered is what would have happened to me if I never lost that newspaper gig to begin with?
Had I not lost that job I also probably would have never gotten involved with pageants. Now those of you that know me and my situation or are acutely aware of just how crazy the pageant world can be could argue that might have been a good thing for me.
However, if I never went down that pageant path then I would not have been privileged to have known so many wonderful people...not the least of whom are my former state titleholders: Katie, Ashley, Heidi, MerrieBeth and Christine - whom I cherished every moment with and love each of them all like they were my own daughters...as well as the many exceptional young women who competed in local and state pageants or went on to success in other pageant systems or in other walks of life - all of whom I now proudly call friends.
Granted from a fiscal, career health, and even a mental health standpoint (the hair loss is definitely directly attributable to the drama inherent in pageants) I probably would have been better off chained to my press pass, reporter's notebook and my 15-hour workday these past few years, but from my heart I can honestly say I am thankful for the opportunity to get to know all my pageant friends and to share in those incredible experiences my work afforded me.
So putting aside my usual tongue-in-cheek, self-deprecating, semi-pessimistic crown of timidity and modesty for a moment, what am I truly thankful for?
I'll give you the abridged version as my original list I compiled topped 12 pages and even put me to sleep writing it:
* The incredible gifts God gave me to creatively express myself through writing and art, my ability to solve problems quickly and calmly, my ability to make people laugh, and my desire to positively affect and make a difference in other people's lives by doing anything and everything I can for my friends, colleagues and loved ones.
* The generosity of heart, spirit and patience of my mother and the foundation she continues to provide me. She is the very definition of "a cool mom", the leader of my personal cheering section, the light that guides me and drives me, and my best friend ever.
* The time, albeit short, I got to spend on this Earth with my father. When things were right, I had more fun with that man than anyone. For better or worse, I am his son and I am thankful for the good things he bestowed upon me.
* My maternal grandparents and their unwavering love and support of me and my mom throughout my life.
* The many members of both sides of my family who hopefully know, despite my lack of physical presence at most family outings or lack of consistent communication on my part, that I do love and appreciate each of them very much.
* My cat Pook with whom I share by far my longest, most successful personal relationship with: 15 years and counting! Every morning I look forward to carrying you to your breakfast and every night cuddling up to you in bed. You have been and always will be my kitten.
* Random things (had to do some serious editing with this list so just the Top 10): PB&J, seeing Michael Jordan play basketball in person, Star Wars, The Beatles, Subway's late chicken taco sub (circa 1996), watching two of my former Miss Illinois shine on the Miss America stage in person, 24, The Eagles, Blackhawks hockey, and my old Spiderman shoes.
* My lifelong best friends Todd, Dale, Tim, and Vince; my childhood friends Mike, Ray, John, Billy, Jason, Scott, and Dave; my old work friends Joe, Sharon, Melissa, Dawn, Jim, Jeff, Mark, Lauren, Scott, Blythe, Stacy, Russ, Meryl, Ilene, Kathy, Atman, Kristie, Jill, Vic, and yes even George; my many dear pageant friends Heidi, Ashley, Katie, MerrieBeth, Christine, Anji, Jennifer, Chelsea, Christy, Tana, Lisa, Lauren, Jessica, Laura, Gina, Lexie, Meganne, Alycia, Erin, Claire, Rachel, Jamie, Natalie, Rabecca, Emily, Campbell, Ashley N., Sarah, Ruthie, Courtney, Anna, Donna, Julie, Kaili, Liz, Denise, Kelly, Courtney, and Amanda, as well as my pageant families Peggy & Dave, Davy, Trina, Abby, Belinda & Bill, Scott & Yvonne, Jim & Barb, Gwen, Ken & Susan, all the great pageant volunteers I worked with and anyone else who might be reading this that I forgot to mention by name - rest assured you have made an impact on my life (after all, you probably wouldn't be reading this if you didn't) and I am so thankful for you all.
* And lastly to God again, and maybe to a greater degree, my parents, for making me who I am. For most of my life I hit the pillow at night wishing I would wake up as anyone else but me. For the sake of better relationships with people (women mostly) I wished I would awaken with breathtakingly good looks like a Brad Pitt or super human athletic talent like a Tom Brady or for the sake of better success in life a magnetic persona, charisma and intelligence like a Barack Obama.
What I have come to realize is after a lifetime of praying to the plastic surgery fairy for a new face under my pillow or the anti-shyness bunny for an easter egg of "confidence" in my bonnet, that for my own sake, despite whatever personal shortcomings I may have, I really can't ever fathom being happy as anyone else but good old me!
And I am so thankful for that!
Never been much for turkey, pumpkin pie or cranberry anything. Usually I'm good with three or four fluffy biscuits, a mountain of mashed potatoes and a reservoir of butter followed by an expedient exit from the table to retire to my rightful ass groove on the couch, falling asleep to bad Detroit Lions football to awaken in a post turkey day-haze at some point between Black Friday and Cyber Monday.
Just like the lost notion that Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Christ (or on a less ethereal level: the celebration of peace on Earth and goodwill towards all men and women) and not a month-long, free-for-all, accumulation of material things to be blindly doled out en masse at four or five rigidly segmented "holiday parties" all within a 24-48 hour span, Thanksgiving is exactly what its name suggests: giving thanks...for what we have, for who we have and for what we have accomplished.
Whether you're all for tying on a Stove Top Stuffing enema at the dinner table or not, the true meaning of Thanksgiving is something I personally have never really embraced and frankly have always taken for granted.
Now I will be the first to admit this year has been one giant kick in the crotch after another for me with daily compounding interest. This past year alone I've lost (or in some cases had taken away from me without cause or explanation) jobs, money, health insurance, physical wellness, financial health, friends, hair, weight and at times - my joy, my dignity, my belief in myself and my hope and faith. Believe me, finding something to be thankful for in that cornucopia of "dreck" is going to take a high-powered NASA telescope with infrared lenses.
Despite all that, what the journey of this past year (and really the last couple of years) has taught me boils down to this basic concept: when you find yourself lost on the "road of life", sometimes thankfulness can be the perfect little GPS to get you back on track.
In other words, I think if we all stop and take personal inventory of all the great things in our lives (no matter how small or insignificant they may seem) that we DO HAVE to be thankful for, rather than fixating on what we NO LONGER HAVE, we will be much more realized human beings.
For example, I was (and still am, at times) really down about losing my job as editor, writer, and photographer for a small suburban newspaper a couple of years ago. That has been my dream job since I was a kid and one day, without warning, it was just pulled out from under me. It makes me angry beyond words just thinking about it.
Through that anger, what I often fail to realize and acknowledge, however, is that I actually got to live my dream...for three years! How many people can say that?
I ran a great newspaper - the way I wanted to see it run, writing my kind of stories, covering things I wanted to cover - for three whole years! There's not too many people in the world who get to say they lived their dream (and got paid well to do so) but I am one of them! That makes me feel amazing inside! I am so thankful for that!
Another angle with this story I have considered is what would have happened to me if I never lost that newspaper gig to begin with?
Had I not lost that job I also probably would have never gotten involved with pageants. Now those of you that know me and my situation or are acutely aware of just how crazy the pageant world can be could argue that might have been a good thing for me.
However, if I never went down that pageant path then I would not have been privileged to have known so many wonderful people...not the least of whom are my former state titleholders: Katie, Ashley, Heidi, MerrieBeth and Christine - whom I cherished every moment with and love each of them all like they were my own daughters...as well as the many exceptional young women who competed in local and state pageants or went on to success in other pageant systems or in other walks of life - all of whom I now proudly call friends.
Granted from a fiscal, career health, and even a mental health standpoint (the hair loss is definitely directly attributable to the drama inherent in pageants) I probably would have been better off chained to my press pass, reporter's notebook and my 15-hour workday these past few years, but from my heart I can honestly say I am thankful for the opportunity to get to know all my pageant friends and to share in those incredible experiences my work afforded me.
So putting aside my usual tongue-in-cheek, self-deprecating, semi-pessimistic crown of timidity and modesty for a moment, what am I truly thankful for?
I'll give you the abridged version as my original list I compiled topped 12 pages and even put me to sleep writing it:
* The incredible gifts God gave me to creatively express myself through writing and art, my ability to solve problems quickly and calmly, my ability to make people laugh, and my desire to positively affect and make a difference in other people's lives by doing anything and everything I can for my friends, colleagues and loved ones.
* The generosity of heart, spirit and patience of my mother and the foundation she continues to provide me. She is the very definition of "a cool mom", the leader of my personal cheering section, the light that guides me and drives me, and my best friend ever.
* The time, albeit short, I got to spend on this Earth with my father. When things were right, I had more fun with that man than anyone. For better or worse, I am his son and I am thankful for the good things he bestowed upon me.
* My maternal grandparents and their unwavering love and support of me and my mom throughout my life.
* The many members of both sides of my family who hopefully know, despite my lack of physical presence at most family outings or lack of consistent communication on my part, that I do love and appreciate each of them very much.
* My cat Pook with whom I share by far my longest, most successful personal relationship with: 15 years and counting! Every morning I look forward to carrying you to your breakfast and every night cuddling up to you in bed. You have been and always will be my kitten.
* Random things (had to do some serious editing with this list so just the Top 10): PB&J, seeing Michael Jordan play basketball in person, Star Wars, The Beatles, Subway's late chicken taco sub (circa 1996), watching two of my former Miss Illinois shine on the Miss America stage in person, 24, The Eagles, Blackhawks hockey, and my old Spiderman shoes.
* My lifelong best friends Todd, Dale, Tim, and Vince; my childhood friends Mike, Ray, John, Billy, Jason, Scott, and Dave; my old work friends Joe, Sharon, Melissa, Dawn, Jim, Jeff, Mark, Lauren, Scott, Blythe, Stacy, Russ, Meryl, Ilene, Kathy, Atman, Kristie, Jill, Vic, and yes even George; my many dear pageant friends Heidi, Ashley, Katie, MerrieBeth, Christine, Anji, Jennifer, Chelsea, Christy, Tana, Lisa, Lauren, Jessica, Laura, Gina, Lexie, Meganne, Alycia, Erin, Claire, Rachel, Jamie, Natalie, Rabecca, Emily, Campbell, Ashley N., Sarah, Ruthie, Courtney, Anna, Donna, Julie, Kaili, Liz, Denise, Kelly, Courtney, and Amanda, as well as my pageant families Peggy & Dave, Davy, Trina, Abby, Belinda & Bill, Scott & Yvonne, Jim & Barb, Gwen, Ken & Susan, all the great pageant volunteers I worked with and anyone else who might be reading this that I forgot to mention by name - rest assured you have made an impact on my life (after all, you probably wouldn't be reading this if you didn't) and I am so thankful for you all.
* And lastly to God again, and maybe to a greater degree, my parents, for making me who I am. For most of my life I hit the pillow at night wishing I would wake up as anyone else but me. For the sake of better relationships with people (women mostly) I wished I would awaken with breathtakingly good looks like a Brad Pitt or super human athletic talent like a Tom Brady or for the sake of better success in life a magnetic persona, charisma and intelligence like a Barack Obama.
What I have come to realize is after a lifetime of praying to the plastic surgery fairy for a new face under my pillow or the anti-shyness bunny for an easter egg of "confidence" in my bonnet, that for my own sake, despite whatever personal shortcomings I may have, I really can't ever fathom being happy as anyone else but good old me!
And I am so thankful for that!
Friday, October 30, 2009
My Scary Halloween Costume Ideas
Everyone wears masks and pretends to be something they're not...and then there's Halloween.
Aside from deciding which houses to egg and what candy bars contain the fewest razor blades per serving, the toughest decision one faces this time of year is coming up with the best idea for the perfect Halloween costume.
Some costume ideas can be very inexpensive and simple.
How about going as a Facebook Addict? All that is required is a homemade strait jacket and pajama bottoms, a "bed head" hair-do and some gaunt eye make-up. Then just keep shivering violently and rambling on about, "One more status update man. Come on man, just one more." or "Gotta play one more Farkle tourney man." or "Twitter is the antichrist!"
Or there's the "Going Green" costume...just recycle portions of various costumes of Halloween's past to keep your costume's carbon footprint within tolerance levels. And if you're not of a green mind, no worries. This can also be called "A Salvation Army Halloween".
Then there's the costumes for those of you blessed (or cursed, depending on your perspective) with deeper pockets.
This great costume idea starts with a trip to your local high-end costume store or sci-fi convention. From there you will pick out the finest Star Wars, Star Trek, or Harry Potter costume you can find. Details are important here. Be it Jedi Knight with full cloth robe, long hair extensions, and authentic light saber prop; Klingon Commander with rubber cemented latex forehead ridges, replica Bat'leth, and metal warrior armor from eBay; or full-blown wizard ensemble complete with Hogwarts school uniform, horn-rim glasses and magic wand, spare no expense here folks!
Then all you need to do is start quoting the movie lines ad nauseum and acting out all the key scenes in front of the Halloween party's most attractive hotties and cuties and BINGO (or as the Klingons would say KAPLA!)...you are officially The 40-Year-Old Virgin! (Not that I would know anything about...that...because...I'm only 36! Yeah, that's it!)
Now while I do not at all subscribe to the idea of promoting stereotypes, I do think when thoughtfully and properly presented in the genre of a Halloween costume I believe some of these can be quite effective. (And to those masquerading as the P.C. Police who might be reading this, please know these are, of course, meant in good fun with tongue firmly planted in cheek).
For example, why not dress as White Mr. T? All you need is a tank top, lots of gold chains, and shave those blonde locks into a "fro-hawk". (Then just keep calling people "Fool" in your best whiny white kid voice.) In the same vein, why not go as a Black Mr. Rogers? A quick trip to JCPenney to fetch a sweater, pinpoint oxford shirt, and slacks and you're good to go. (If you want to "smoove" it up you can add some dark sunglasses, a Jay-Z style long chain and cross worn over the sweater, and some Fubu sneakers instead of his trademark slippers.) You can even be a White Michael Jackson...no wait...a Black Michael Jackson...ummm...
You can certainly mix the stereotypes to produce some interesting costuming options. How about going as a Black Mafia Boss or perhaps a White Latin King member or even a Hispanic Old Jewish Couple? (Remember, all in jest people.)
Okay, then how about bucking some Halloween stereotypes? Anyone can go as a ghost or a werewolf or a fairy princess.
If you want to stand out though, why not go as Diabetic Dracula? Standard Dracula costume with a pillow in the pants for some obesity and some props including a vile of insulin or a glucose monitor. When trick-or-treating just be really irritable until you get some candy and say, "I want to suck your blood sugar."
How about Neurotic Frankenstein. Again, standard Frankenstein costume is all that is required. Then instead of grunting incoherently you can keep complaining about the bolts in your neck giving you a rash and worrying about the other women at the party thinking your jacket makes you look fat and pretentious.
Then there's Feminist Witch. Drag the old witch costume out of the basement. Just add a black t-shirt with the quote, "Wolfmen, their rights and nothing more; witches, their rights and nothing less". DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT BRINGING A BROOM WITH YOU! Instead bring a protestor's sign with Gloria Steinem's photo on it and keep chanting in full throat, "History is herstory too!"
Of course, there are many unique and obscure Halloween costume ideas you can experiment with as well.
With some various creative touches you could go as a:
* Foreclosed Home - Just don't bring a Trick or Treat basket with you or the bank will try to seize that as an asset.
* Swine Flu Vaccine - You'll be the life of your Halloween party as everyone will want to get a piece of you (hopefully you won't be offended if people start "snorting" the top of your head with their noses), but then you have to keep "running out"...of the room.
* White House Stimulus Jobs Report - Very simple costume to put together: bull's horns for your head and a quick trip to Home Depot's garden department to cover yourself in a bag of manure.
* Balloon Boy & His Dad - Just dress in a standard orange prison jump suit and handcuffs and instead of saying "Trick or Treat" you'll be pitching reality show ideas. The good thing is if you don't have a child to play Balloon Boy that's okay. You just tell people he's hiding in the attic...I mean missing.
* Health Care Reform Bill - Just tape lots of papers to your body with numerous addendums, riders and corrections on them. Try to find the houses in your area that are not giving out treats to Trick-or-Treaters. When you ring their doorbells, tell them it is required for them to carry some form of candy on Halloween or their family can be fined up to $1,500 by the government. (After all, there is an affordale, government run public candy option available to them.)
And what am I going as this Halloween you may ask? I can't decide between a cross-dressing, headless Jon Goselin or a robotic cowboy Obama Zombie. And no, don't ask me to explain the costumes.
Aside from deciding which houses to egg and what candy bars contain the fewest razor blades per serving, the toughest decision one faces this time of year is coming up with the best idea for the perfect Halloween costume.
Some costume ideas can be very inexpensive and simple.
How about going as a Facebook Addict? All that is required is a homemade strait jacket and pajama bottoms, a "bed head" hair-do and some gaunt eye make-up. Then just keep shivering violently and rambling on about, "One more status update man. Come on man, just one more." or "Gotta play one more Farkle tourney man." or "Twitter is the antichrist!"
Or there's the "Going Green" costume...just recycle portions of various costumes of Halloween's past to keep your costume's carbon footprint within tolerance levels. And if you're not of a green mind, no worries. This can also be called "A Salvation Army Halloween".
Then there's the costumes for those of you blessed (or cursed, depending on your perspective) with deeper pockets.
This great costume idea starts with a trip to your local high-end costume store or sci-fi convention. From there you will pick out the finest Star Wars, Star Trek, or Harry Potter costume you can find. Details are important here. Be it Jedi Knight with full cloth robe, long hair extensions, and authentic light saber prop; Klingon Commander with rubber cemented latex forehead ridges, replica Bat'leth, and metal warrior armor from eBay; or full-blown wizard ensemble complete with Hogwarts school uniform, horn-rim glasses and magic wand, spare no expense here folks!
Then all you need to do is start quoting the movie lines ad nauseum and acting out all the key scenes in front of the Halloween party's most attractive hotties and cuties and BINGO (or as the Klingons would say KAPLA!)...you are officially The 40-Year-Old Virgin! (Not that I would know anything about...that...because...I'm only 36! Yeah, that's it!)
Now while I do not at all subscribe to the idea of promoting stereotypes, I do think when thoughtfully and properly presented in the genre of a Halloween costume I believe some of these can be quite effective. (And to those masquerading as the P.C. Police who might be reading this, please know these are, of course, meant in good fun with tongue firmly planted in cheek).
For example, why not dress as White Mr. T? All you need is a tank top, lots of gold chains, and shave those blonde locks into a "fro-hawk". (Then just keep calling people "Fool" in your best whiny white kid voice.) In the same vein, why not go as a Black Mr. Rogers? A quick trip to JCPenney to fetch a sweater, pinpoint oxford shirt, and slacks and you're good to go. (If you want to "smoove" it up you can add some dark sunglasses, a Jay-Z style long chain and cross worn over the sweater, and some Fubu sneakers instead of his trademark slippers.) You can even be a White Michael Jackson...no wait...a Black Michael Jackson...ummm...
You can certainly mix the stereotypes to produce some interesting costuming options. How about going as a Black Mafia Boss or perhaps a White Latin King member or even a Hispanic Old Jewish Couple? (Remember, all in jest people.)
Okay, then how about bucking some Halloween stereotypes? Anyone can go as a ghost or a werewolf or a fairy princess.
If you want to stand out though, why not go as Diabetic Dracula? Standard Dracula costume with a pillow in the pants for some obesity and some props including a vile of insulin or a glucose monitor. When trick-or-treating just be really irritable until you get some candy and say, "I want to suck your blood sugar."
How about Neurotic Frankenstein. Again, standard Frankenstein costume is all that is required. Then instead of grunting incoherently you can keep complaining about the bolts in your neck giving you a rash and worrying about the other women at the party thinking your jacket makes you look fat and pretentious.
Then there's Feminist Witch. Drag the old witch costume out of the basement. Just add a black t-shirt with the quote, "Wolfmen, their rights and nothing more; witches, their rights and nothing less". DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT BRINGING A BROOM WITH YOU! Instead bring a protestor's sign with Gloria Steinem's photo on it and keep chanting in full throat, "History is herstory too!"
Of course, there are many unique and obscure Halloween costume ideas you can experiment with as well.
With some various creative touches you could go as a:
* Foreclosed Home - Just don't bring a Trick or Treat basket with you or the bank will try to seize that as an asset.
* Swine Flu Vaccine - You'll be the life of your Halloween party as everyone will want to get a piece of you (hopefully you won't be offended if people start "snorting" the top of your head with their noses), but then you have to keep "running out"...of the room.
* White House Stimulus Jobs Report - Very simple costume to put together: bull's horns for your head and a quick trip to Home Depot's garden department to cover yourself in a bag of manure.
* Balloon Boy & His Dad - Just dress in a standard orange prison jump suit and handcuffs and instead of saying "Trick or Treat" you'll be pitching reality show ideas. The good thing is if you don't have a child to play Balloon Boy that's okay. You just tell people he's hiding in the attic...I mean missing.
* Health Care Reform Bill - Just tape lots of papers to your body with numerous addendums, riders and corrections on them. Try to find the houses in your area that are not giving out treats to Trick-or-Treaters. When you ring their doorbells, tell them it is required for them to carry some form of candy on Halloween or their family can be fined up to $1,500 by the government. (After all, there is an affordale, government run public candy option available to them.)
And what am I going as this Halloween you may ask? I can't decide between a cross-dressing, headless Jon Goselin or a robotic cowboy Obama Zombie. And no, don't ask me to explain the costumes.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Channeling My Inner Carlin
This is probably not the most heart-warming blog I've ever penned (or keyed) but over the last month or so I have become increasingly fed up with various segments of society, pop culture and politics. In fact, my frustration levels have peaked so high with some of these nimrods that I find myself channeling my "inner George Carlin".
My childhood comedic idol, Carlin always had a penchant for calmly and succinctly summing up his feelings towards any individual or group that rubbed him the wrong way (i.e. "Here are some more individuals who need to be beaten upside the head repeatedly with heavy mining equipment.")
So without any further adieu, as my mentor and master would say, "Here are some more low-grade morons who oughta be locked in portable toilets and set on fire!":
* The little smirky bastard from the AT&T Wireless commercials who keeps throwing out his mother's "old minutes".
* Experts who make a cottage-industry out of "projecting" full-season fantasy football statistics for individual players three months before the football season even starts. Is that even legal?
* Vultures like Nancy Grace and that forever-constipated looking clone of hers (Jane Velez-Mitchell or whatever) on HLN who feed on the daily suffering of others to fill their shows with content while wrapping themselves in their own self-importance as responsible public servants.
* TV networks that cram 50 commercials an hour down every one's throats for new, overly hyped TV shows that will quickly find their way to cancellation within a month's time (i.e. Flash Forward, Community, The Good Wife, The Cleveland Show, Brothers and The Vampire Diaries. Glee will probably do okay - but I am so sick of hearing about it!)
* People who e-mail in all bolded, red-fonted caps with more than one exclamation point at the end of a sentence to display anger or emotion.
* All of the unkempt, smart-ass, celebrity stalker ass clowns on TMZ.
* So-called resume experts who for a price will get your resume "noticed". How? By manipulating the verbiage in the subject line of your e-mail since that's the only part of your resume most employers ever see before sending your e-mail and resume, along with the thousands of others just like your's that they never look at, to "cyber purgatory" (sorry George, needed to borrow that one.)
* The FreeCreditReport.com singers. Nails on a freakin' chalkboard. Solution: Lock them in a cage with the monotone singing girl in the orange jacket and hooker boots from the Comcast commercials and chum the shark tank at Sea World.
* The Big "O" and his band of congressional dopes who are even entertaining the idea of "fining" American citizens like me who do not carry health insurance because I can't afford it. Start creating some jobs en masse (and don't worry about if they're green, blue, or burnt siena...jobs of any "hue" will suffice) and maybe some of us can afford to be healthy again.
* People who use the cliched terms, "With that said..." or "That being said..." in place of the word "So..." to make themselves sound important or educated.
* The vampires at ESPN for broadcasting every game (including sub regionals) of the Little League World Series and regular season high school football and basketball games. Can you at least not suck the fun and innocence out of the lives of these young athletes at this level? Does everything in sports really need branding or publicity?
* Experts who keep assigning an arrival time and date for the H1N1 virus. (i.e. The Swine Flu virus should arrive in Chicago in October.) Does this virus have a world tour set up complete with concert t-shirts and roadies that I'm not aware of? We can't determine with any certainty when an airplane with no empty seats will take off but we can predict the travel habits of an airborne virus?
* People suffering from the delusion that the Olympics coming to Chicago would be a great boon for the city. Everyone is entitled to their opinion pro or con and that's fine. However, if you are pro for the Olympics coming to Chicago, I feel you must then be tagged with an electronic marker, much like cattle, and the moment you complain one bit about excessive traffic delays during the games, stalled economic growth after the games or higher taxes to pay for it all, a 50,000 watt electrical current will immediately be unleashed throughout your body for a duration of no less than 27 minutes.
* Telemarketers who complain about the No-Call List infringing on their right to earn a living. How about my right to not be bothered by idiots during dinner? And seriously, what kind of a living can you earn as a telemarketer? Has anyone ever actually bought or signed up for something offered to you by a telemarketer? Wow, that $5 gas card really sounds like a great deal for the $200 in fees over the course of a year that I'm going to pay you by signing up for your "Credit Protector" plan!
* Politicians who think taxes on "luxury items" like cigarettes, alcohol, candy and pop are going to help offset city budget deficits and in the long term breed a healthier generation of people which will lessen the impact on health care costs. People who are addicted to tobacco, booze and sugar, just like people who are addicted to cocaine or heroin, are not going to care that they have to pay more for a fix. What will happen though is eventually the tax will become modern day prohibition and before you know it jails will be overflowing with repeat offenders cited for "Illegal Possession with Intent to Distribute Mountain Dew and Junior Mints."
* I'll end on a lighter note with one of my favorite George-isms: "Bad hair day? Where did this sh__ come from? What a superficial culture! Put on a hat and go to work you shallow c__t!"
Ah, George...I miss you so much!
My childhood comedic idol, Carlin always had a penchant for calmly and succinctly summing up his feelings towards any individual or group that rubbed him the wrong way (i.e. "Here are some more individuals who need to be beaten upside the head repeatedly with heavy mining equipment.")
So without any further adieu, as my mentor and master would say, "Here are some more low-grade morons who oughta be locked in portable toilets and set on fire!":
* The little smirky bastard from the AT&T Wireless commercials who keeps throwing out his mother's "old minutes".
* Experts who make a cottage-industry out of "projecting" full-season fantasy football statistics for individual players three months before the football season even starts. Is that even legal?
* Vultures like Nancy Grace and that forever-constipated looking clone of hers (Jane Velez-Mitchell or whatever) on HLN who feed on the daily suffering of others to fill their shows with content while wrapping themselves in their own self-importance as responsible public servants.
* TV networks that cram 50 commercials an hour down every one's throats for new, overly hyped TV shows that will quickly find their way to cancellation within a month's time (i.e. Flash Forward, Community, The Good Wife, The Cleveland Show, Brothers and The Vampire Diaries. Glee will probably do okay - but I am so sick of hearing about it!)
* People who e-mail in all bolded, red-fonted caps with more than one exclamation point at the end of a sentence to display anger or emotion.
* All of the unkempt, smart-ass, celebrity stalker ass clowns on TMZ.
* So-called resume experts who for a price will get your resume "noticed". How? By manipulating the verbiage in the subject line of your e-mail since that's the only part of your resume most employers ever see before sending your e-mail and resume, along with the thousands of others just like your's that they never look at, to "cyber purgatory" (sorry George, needed to borrow that one.)
* The FreeCreditReport.com singers. Nails on a freakin' chalkboard. Solution: Lock them in a cage with the monotone singing girl in the orange jacket and hooker boots from the Comcast commercials and chum the shark tank at Sea World.
* The Big "O" and his band of congressional dopes who are even entertaining the idea of "fining" American citizens like me who do not carry health insurance because I can't afford it. Start creating some jobs en masse (and don't worry about if they're green, blue, or burnt siena...jobs of any "hue" will suffice) and maybe some of us can afford to be healthy again.
* People who use the cliched terms, "With that said..." or "That being said..." in place of the word "So..." to make themselves sound important or educated.
* The vampires at ESPN for broadcasting every game (including sub regionals) of the Little League World Series and regular season high school football and basketball games. Can you at least not suck the fun and innocence out of the lives of these young athletes at this level? Does everything in sports really need branding or publicity?
* Experts who keep assigning an arrival time and date for the H1N1 virus. (i.e. The Swine Flu virus should arrive in Chicago in October.) Does this virus have a world tour set up complete with concert t-shirts and roadies that I'm not aware of? We can't determine with any certainty when an airplane with no empty seats will take off but we can predict the travel habits of an airborne virus?
* People suffering from the delusion that the Olympics coming to Chicago would be a great boon for the city. Everyone is entitled to their opinion pro or con and that's fine. However, if you are pro for the Olympics coming to Chicago, I feel you must then be tagged with an electronic marker, much like cattle, and the moment you complain one bit about excessive traffic delays during the games, stalled economic growth after the games or higher taxes to pay for it all, a 50,000 watt electrical current will immediately be unleashed throughout your body for a duration of no less than 27 minutes.
* Telemarketers who complain about the No-Call List infringing on their right to earn a living. How about my right to not be bothered by idiots during dinner? And seriously, what kind of a living can you earn as a telemarketer? Has anyone ever actually bought or signed up for something offered to you by a telemarketer? Wow, that $5 gas card really sounds like a great deal for the $200 in fees over the course of a year that I'm going to pay you by signing up for your "Credit Protector" plan!
* Politicians who think taxes on "luxury items" like cigarettes, alcohol, candy and pop are going to help offset city budget deficits and in the long term breed a healthier generation of people which will lessen the impact on health care costs. People who are addicted to tobacco, booze and sugar, just like people who are addicted to cocaine or heroin, are not going to care that they have to pay more for a fix. What will happen though is eventually the tax will become modern day prohibition and before you know it jails will be overflowing with repeat offenders cited for "Illegal Possession with Intent to Distribute Mountain Dew and Junior Mints."
* I'll end on a lighter note with one of my favorite George-isms: "Bad hair day? Where did this sh__ come from? What a superficial culture! Put on a hat and go to work you shallow c__t!"
Ah, George...I miss you so much!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Such a Tease
Okay, I apologize for taking the better part of the last month off from updating my blog. I've been busy and I'm still suffering the effects of a lingering, summer-long bout of writer's block.
So rather than beating my head repeatedly against a variety of blunt surfaces, I thought I might try my hand at video blogging. Not that many of you possess the burning desire to see my ugly mug up close and personal; I just figured it would be a nice way to flush out some of the creative thoughts and ideas swirling around my cranial crapper without all the hassles of carpal tunnel syndrome.
With that in mind, I grabbed up my little handheld disposable video camera that I purchased at a CVS store in Las Vegas earlier in the year and decided to document all the minutia of my trip down to Southern Illinois a couple weeks ago.
Of course, had I known I had to wait 4-6 weeks for CVS to send my little camera out for processing, I would have shot more footage with my own personal video camera. But not to worry...I did capture some nuggets with said camera and compiled those into a little "teaser trailer" to preview the full length video.
Grab your popcorn, put your feet up on the chair in front of you and enjoy a sneak preview of "Jason Pawlowski's I-57 Adventure"! This is one preview you won't soon forget...
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