My Twitter Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony

Back in the "Golden Age of Baseball", when the only performance enhancing drugs available to players were beer, hot dogs and hookers, there was the 500 home run plateau. When a hitter achieved 500 career home runs and earned membership into this ultra-exclusive club, induction into Baseball's Hall of Fame in Coopertown after his career ended was essentially a mere formality. Now, of course, Baseball's record book is a mockery of its former self; having been rewritten in syringes and "flack seed oil" by juiced up fakers and charlatans.

Still despite the 500 Home Run Club losing a great deal of that mystique, I still hold a great deal of reverence for the number 500 as a true symbol of accomplishment in one's life. If you think about it, really anything done at least 500 times in your career or your life is at the very least pretty darn good:

500 sales calls made.
500 envelopes licked.
500 toe nails clipped.
500 slices of cheese eaten.
500 trips to the bathroom.
It's all good x 500!

Well yesterday I accomplished something for the 500th time in my life and it only took a little more than a year to achieve! I am proud to say that I am now a member of the 500 Tweet Club.

Yes. I know it's hard to believe but it's true! For the 500th time, I took a brief moment out of my life to log onto my Twitter account and "micro-blog" some random life experience, insightful quip, interesting link or tasteless joke or, even better, "retweet" someone else's similar experience, quip, link or joke (though for the most part I do like to stick to my own material).

While I'm still cold to the whole "community conversation" notion that Twitter attempts to propagate to its Tweeters and probably will never fully realize or appreciate its true social media potential (unless my little "dumb phone" starts taking night classes and graduates to a smart phone), I do like the 140-character restriction as an effective means of organizing thoughts and words into one concise statement. I also enjoy the relative peace and quiet it affords you through the absence of friends' Farmville and Mafia Wars statuses cluttering up your News Feed.

So while we wait for them to break ground in Butte, Montana (or wherever they decide to put the Twitter Hall of Fame Museum) and I await my call from the Hall, I would like to share with you my "American Top 140" Tweets to date. The list is organized in descending order from most recent to my innaugural first few tweets from late 2008. Enjoy and thanks for the memories...

@jasonp27's Top 140 Tweets

Yeah! Grape Nuts with water. That was a brilliant idea moron!

Who would win in a fight: the giant volcanic cloud of ash or the smoke monster from #Lost?

Enough with the sad Subaru commercial already. I haven't cried this hard over a car's death since K.I.T.T. died.

#whenyoursingle #theresnothinglike #FF 2c #justinbieber get #kickass-ed in his #goldmansachs while #nowplaying #somebodytolove.

Ex-girlfriend calling me? Spent the evening at a sports bar with my "whipped" married friends watching hockey? OMG! It's 2004!

"You like me because you're delusional." Yeah, how many times have I heard that before? #Lost

What do you want to bet within 5 years there will be a Pulitzer Prize winning tweet or status update? Dusting off the mantle.

Two sure things in life: death and taxes. One down, one to go.

So little to do, so much time! Guess I'll go to bed.

When taking jabs at Obama's vast nuclear knowledge @SarahPalinUSA, 1st rule of Verbal Fight Club is pronounce nuclear correctly.

Way too zoned in. Typing calendar info 4 upcoming opera performance "Dido & Aeneas". I'll let u figure out my typos. Need a break.

My two favorite pitchers in the world are Mark Buehrle and Kool-Aid Man!

Tried hunting Easter eggs with a crossbow & a 12 gauge but alas they proved to be too cunning a prey even for this hunter.

http://twitpic.com/1civhw - Imagine if the results of the Google/Topeka prank were reversed & this city in PA won instead? I'm Feeling Lucky

Hot Tub Time Machine has been called, "So Stupid It's Brilliant". Yeah, I get that a lot too! Well at least the first half.

Warm weather = impromptu wet t-shirt contests for all of us blessed with man boobs.

Okay now there are 3 staplers on my desk and one of them is red. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I would watch V now but the alien chick leader Anna reminds me too much of another creepy alien monster I used to work for.

I can sympathize with Sun. I once hit my head on a cabinet edge & could only speak in Olde English for a week. #Lost

Palm Sunday...that's every day for me.

In honor of #EarthHour, I'll now be updating my Facebook status by smoke signals and Tweeting by telegraph.

#EarthHour? #EarthDay? I'm starting to think that Mother Earth may be a bit of an attention junkie.

Gus Johnson could call a game of Pong and make it sound exciting! This is THE BIG DANCE! Ha-HAAAA!!!

For some reason I have two staplers on my desk now...and I think they may be plotting against me. Tell no one of this.

The answers are coming. Yeah just didn't specify the answers would be en Espanol w/annoying subtitles! #Lost or is it Perdido?

Listening to a guy talking about how his pigs have a happy life right up to the day of butchering. Cant decide if im gonna cry or be sick.

A positive outcome from the HC reform vote: isn't it time for Rush Limbaugh to buy his 3 seats on Southwest & pack his bags for Costa Rica?

#Isitme or is Reese Witherspoon's chin beginning to resemble Family Guy's Peter Griffin's ball chin?

Sinbad you're fired. It's not like that's the first (or last) time he's heard that. Remember A Different World? #Apprentice

Lou Gehrig's Disease. Tommy John surgery. The Yankees even corner the market on medical maladies! Damn Steinbrenner & his money!

Need help filling out my 2010 Census form. Question #3: Squintier actress? Ashley Judd or Renee Zellweger?

More creepy? Taco Bell "Is that cool? Is that still cool?" http://bit.ly/8UhJAB or McD "Not till I've had my coffee" http://bit.ly/axq0MH

If #spring officially arrives at 1:32pm today it must be stuck on I-90 behind a CTA bus, a cement mixer & the Lost submarine.

Once upon a time...the end! #6wordstory

I now have 200 Facebook Friends. How do you celebrate that? I know 100 Friends is "paper". Is 200 Friends "cotton" or "China"?

My #StPaddysDay dinner: Corned Beef/Cabbage (burger w/corn niblets & lettuce-ran out of cabbage) & Soda Bread (bun dipped in Slice)

"So James, we just want you to do the voice." ROTFLMAO! #FamilyGuy

Tried subbing Frappuccino in my Rice Krispies. Trying for Cocoa-Krispies-with-a-kick but all I got was soggy, lumpy coffee in a bowl.

Said w/all due love & respect to the late great Merlin Olsen but do you think in lieu of donations people should send FTD flowers?

These guys may be Billionaires but there is one thing I do have that they never will...crippling debt. http://cptl.st/ayqMa7

Heard President Obama is hiring high tech Bounty Hunters to root out health care fraud. I hereby nominate Boba Fett and IG-88!

ABC7's Cheryl Burton needs to return the giant old Comiskey Park scoreboard pinwheels she is wearing around her neck to the Sox.

Happy National #grammarday! I definately hope they're ain't not any pour whether effecting you're celebrations loosers!

Last night I finally got up the courage to click Google's I'M FEELING LUCKY button. But I still woke up alone.

Just saw a commercial for Lee Majors Bionic Hearing Aid. I just want to know when u turn it on does it go do-do-do-do-do-do-do?

You've heard of burning the roast? Only my mom could manage to freeze the salad.

If the silverfish I just crushed in my bathroom was any bigger I could have mounted it on the wall & gotten a guest spot on Bassmasters.

Can't wait to start my new job on Monday as Promotions Coordinator for the Downtown Neighborhood Assoc of Elgin. #Follow @downtownelgin

Luv how @OzzieGuillen tweets read exactly how he talks. 140 chars def keeps Pinella from tweeting. We uhh..were going to eat and..and..and..

#thingswewantback from the #hcrsummit non-partisan politics to ensure better overall healthcare & #tosavemoney 4 all! Can I trend or what?

Can i use my score of leaving only 2 tees on the wood triangle game at cracker barrel in lieu of my sat & act scores on my college app?

Do you think the other outraged whales at Sea World are now considering forming AETP - Animals for the Ethical Treatment of People?

At Panera Bread listening to 2 women argue about which of their boyfriends are more worthless. Tell me why does single life suck again?

Russian ice dancers Domnina & Shabalin's "tribute to weed" costumes make me hungry for some White Castle sliders.

Disappointed to hear Sasha Cohen wasn't skating this year. Borat & Bruno in pairs coached by Da Ali G would be NIIIICE! Great success!

What am I giving up for lent? Giving up things for lent.

Just finished my last Tangerine Gatorade Rain. Now I know how people felt after their last bite of unicorn meat or free range leprechaun.

In the Winter Olympics there's no winners...only lugers.

Received good advice about how to best impress my sweetheart for Valentines Day from my Walgreens personal gift advisor: "Shop at Macy's!"

Ohhh...so <3 is a heart? And all this time I thought people who loved me were chastising me by saying I was less than the number 3.

Stupid Hallmark holidays. Just once in my life I'd like to be able to wish that special someone a Happy Presidents Day. Sigh.

People who live in glass houses probably don't sleep in the nude or keep their valuables in plain sight...unless the glass is tinted.

Guess I missed that whole earthquake thing. Then again I managed to sleep soundly next to my ex for 2 years and she was at least a 6.0.

How exactly is defunct 80s band Men at Work supposed to pay royalties now for ripping off "Down Under"? Do they accept Vegamite sandwiches?

Early odds on next years #superbowl: the smoke monster from lost vs this weekend's snowmaggedon.

12 mins of the who music? Isnt that like one song?

Were not here to bust your bubble. Were just here cuz were in deep financial trouble. #BoostMobile '85 Bears

To cut down on costs please combine phil simms and boomer esiason into one bleach blonde, incompetent football analyst.

If Drew Brees wins the Super Bowl MVP award will the giant eye-black looking mole on his cheek get to say, "I'm goin' to Disneyland too"?

So if the Saints win Mark Brunell gets a SB ring just for holding Garrett Hartley's balls all year? Seems kind of unfair to the kicking tee.

#superbowl prop bet: Over/under no. of total shots on goal in today's Pens/Caps game vs. no. of shots of Kim Kardashian's cleavage at SB.

#superbowl prop bet: What vegetable Shannon Sharpe's wardrobe combo resembles? Zucchini? Arugula? Radicchio? Don't ask him to pronounce it.

According to my friend's Super Bowl menu we are having a whole "crapload" of Buffalo Wings. Is crapload a metric unit of measurement?

More sad? Wasting a Sat nite backing up the contents of my life off my late laptop's hard drive or realizing my life only takes up 28GB?

Last wknd the Super Bowl of Pageants. Next wknd the Super Bowl of Stock Car Racing. Tomorrow is just the Super Bowl. Kind of a let down.

Praying that Roger Daltrey or Pete Townshend do not have Janet Jackson-esque wardrobe malfunctions during Super Bowl halftime show.

PHONE VOICE: Is Mrs. Pawlowski in? ME: Uh no. VOICE: Do u expect her soon? ME: Yes when Match.com stops matching me w/grandmas & other men.

Soon everyone will be reading the latest books on their iPads & rockin' out to their iPods while I'm still at home pulling my iPud.

Voted for Giannoulias, Krishnamoorthi & Spryopoulos because they probably paid by the letter for their campaign signs & could use the money.

Ok Flo Rida, 2 can play at this game! I just copyrighted the names: Illa Noiz, Arie Zona, Mrs. Sippy, Indie Anna, Color Otto & Miss Shegun.

I tried to open the web site apl.de.ap but all I get is banner ads for German porn. Do I need to download the new version of Mozilla?

When Queen Elizabeth passes does Lady Gaga or Lady Antebellum claim rights of succession to the throne?

I did not care for the Bon Jovi tribute band that played at The Grammys tonight. Sounded nothing like them.

Love me some Taylor Swift but seriously Album of the Year? Was she even born when the last album was pressed? Do the Oscars award Best VHS?

Honeyboy Edwards wins a Lifetime Achievement Grammy. Later he will trade in his statuette for a tuna fish sandwich & a bowl of soup.

Grammy Prez: "What if someone said to you I really appreciate your work but I can't afford to pay you for it?" Every day of my life dude.

Andrea Bocelli could sing the breakfast menu at Denny's and it would still sound beautiful.

Is Kanye going to run up on stage now & take away the Grammy from himself & Rhianna since his song w/Beyonce was the best song eva?

I put on my 3D glasses for the Jacko #grammys tribute & thought I got poked in the eye by Celine Dion's nose and Jennifer Hudson's gams.

Miss America could take a lesson from the Grammys. Instead of the loser lounge cast each non-finalist into Gaga's firery "REJECTED" pit.

Lady Gaga! So that's where all my old hula hoops went! My mom told me she threw those away!

Enjoying a little mexican...wait, that didn't come out right.

Is it possible to be tri-polar? Highest highs, lowest lows and most middle-of-the-road middles?

To trump Dominos, Little Caesars said they will upgrade to a thicker grade of cardboard & now use Heinz instead of Hunts for sauce.

With hometown Saints vs fave son Peyton Manning in Super Bowl, New Orleans has moved up Mardi Gras by 2 weeks and cancelled Lent.

A friend asked if I wanted to see Avodart this weekend? Said thanks but just not into seeing medicine for enlarged prostates in 3D.

#youknowurescrewed When you and your spouse have multiple children of different ages. You've obviously re-screwed.

Conan gets $45M to leave a job? And here I am always getting fired for free!

My pot called the kettle black and now that has triggered racial tension in my kitchen cabinet.

If the right views Scott Brown's win as a vote against Obama shouldnt he feel like a tool? A GOP ham sandwich could've ran & easily won too!

No new litters of guppies in my fish tank lately. Guess my males are losing their sex drive. Must be something in my house's water.

A year ago it was "Change We Can Believe In". Now its "The more things change the more they stay the same". The audacity of hope indeed.

You know you're out of shape when it takes you four tries to break apart a Kit Kat.

To supplement my income I'm buying a Samsung projector phone & showing IMAX movies on my giant forehead.

So now that Kraft has acquired Cadbury does that mean their chocolate creme easter eggs will now be filled with Velveeta?

As seen on a Walgreens sign today: "Get Your H1N1 Today". Bad proofreading or overly ambitious store promotion gone awry?

Just listened to a fascinating debate on which 80s video game icon is more gay: Q*Bert or Dig Dug? My money is on Dragon's Lair Dirk.

I'd call Rush Limbaugh a douche bag but that would soil the good name of all the other douche bags in the world.

More likely? Actually losing weight on the Taco Bell diet or the woman taking your drive thru order not having hairy arms?

If the Doomsday Clock "springs forward" an hour during daylight savings time I guess we can all drop those New Years' resolutions now.

I suppose McGwire thinks Rod Blagojevich wished he had never been governor during the pay to play era? The era didnt inject you w/roids Mac!

Chicago has the rock & roll mcds. Rantoul has the 80s power ballad mcds.

My motto for 2010: Everyone you encounter in life is a light switch. Happiness & success comes in knowing who to turn on & who to flip off.

Mr. Pres, how many dots need connecting when terrorists are now resorting to basically lighting their own farts to try to blow up planes?

Sign on gas station marquee in Elgin: "Ho Made Soup - $1.99". Yummy! Think I'll start my New Year's diet now.

The weather outside is frightful & this job would be so delightful, but with my self-esteem so low, they told me NO, told me NO, told me NO!

So much for having Tina Yothers in the "Which Family Ties Star Comes Out of the Closet First" Pool.

"The man you'd be supporting can be a control freak & a micromanager. Ever worked for anyone like that?" HAHAHAHAHA! No...never!

If it's 7 years bad luck for breaking a mirror is it 7 years/70,000 miles when you break a car's side view mirror?

There is not enough antimicrobial soap in the world to sanitize my eyes after that Adam Lambert performance at the AMAs. Still not clean!

Lady Gaga on the AMAs looked like Madonna up-chucked so hard she turned herself inside out & then hung Xmas lights on her ribs.

Had green beans, lettuce & Sierra Mist. Now I've been "going" green off & on for the last hr. So much for decreasing my carbon footprint.

I now employ the Twitter mentality to my spoken word conversations. You get 140 characters and then we're done!

Slip of the tongue by NBC5's Dick Johnson on the Sunday night news: "A CT woman who was attacked by a friend's 200 lb. pimp..."

Someone please give George Lopez a Ricola. Sounds like he's gargling pennies & broken walnut shells.

Squirrel pageant. 2 squirrels walked up & down my screen door like a runway. The 1st one clearly was a squirrel pageant patty.

What kind of twisted person mixes M&Ms w/Reeses Pieces & Skittles all in the same bowl & has the gall to pass them off as just M&Ms? Sicko!

Yanks & Phils. World Series match-up or a set of instructions on how one goes about making a deposit at a sperm bank? FOX would air either.

I don't always drink juice boxes...but when I do...I prefer Capri Sun Tropical Punch. Stay thirsty my friends!

Bad food award: black taco. Then Kanye would say, "Ima let you finish but the Pulled Pork Slider that Beyonce ate was the worst food eva!"

With every Beatles song now being used in TV commercials, I think the next one will be, "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends"

Soooo busy today I think I reversed the flow of time like Superman did...Superman like time of flow the reversed (uh oh, it happened again)

Watching that whole balloon boy saga unfold really gave me a taste for Jiffy Pop popcorn.

Dear NFL: cool it with the throwback jerseys! Denver's uniforms look like the old San Diego Padres threw up on the old Vancouver Canucks.

Cucumbers and waffles for dinner...won't someone please cook for me?

And here I thought Twitter was where your heart goes when Brad Pitt or Megan Fox walks in a room.