You Know You're Getting Old When...

June 2, 2009

There are three constants in the world: every new episode of The Simpsons will blow puppy chow, there will always be one really dreadful singer cut from the first audition episode who actually thinks they really were good enough to be the next American Idol, and we all get old.

And it's not just the physical things like hair loss, weight gain, arteries hardening, and stools softening that mark the passage of time. It's the experiences and memories you absorb over your lifetime...or more importantly, who you share those memories with and why they have no idea what you're talking about.

Case in point, last year at a pageant I told a young college-aged woman I knew that her sheer pink and red lace outfit reminded me of "I Dream of Jeanie" to which I got from her the old Scooby Doo, "RRUHHH?" (And if you do not know who Scooby Doo is then I've further illustrated my point.)

Do you realize that if I had kids right now (well, first I'd want to put my head in an oven but secondly...) that they would be born into a world where the vinyl record has been replaced by an ITune, the record player replaced by an IPod, the TV replaced by You Tube, and the VCR replaced by the Blu Ray? Would they even know how to operate a phone with a dial? No, but I guarantee they could pop out of the womb with the ability to send text messages (and finally show me how to turn my cell phone on vibrate).

Growing up I actually used to have a pen pal in Utah that I would trade letters with once a month. Now I have Facebook friends all over the world within arms length and I don't even think I know half of them! What the hell is tweeting? What happened to newspapers? Even the pager is outmoded now! I remember when Blackberrys used to be something to put in pies...he said, hiking his grandpa pants up to his man boobs.

I'm only 36 and do consider myself a technically adroit person. I listen to modern music! Sure it's from 2001 but that was only...holy crap that was almost ten years ago! Oh man, the movie Forrest Gump is 15 years old now...I just saw that in the theater, didn't I? Return of the Jedi is now 26 years old...and I was old enough at the time to pay my own way into the theater to see that!

Some younger people I talk to have never heard of Atari, the Noid, the Super Bowl Shuffle, Press Your Luck, Axel F, or Donkey Kong! And things that used to be popular in my childhood, like the Transformers or the powder blue Toronto Blue Jays jerseys, are now coming back because "retro" is cool. Things in my life are now retro? Oh, gag me with a spoon!

I guess I can be grateful that I'm not completely over the hill yet. There are still players older than me that I followed when I was younger still playing professional sports like Chris Chelios and John Smoltz...boy, is that it? Well at least bands like the Rolling Stones and the Eagles are still going strong...right? Right?

If you're reading this, and you're young and can help me...please, I'm begging you. I need a crash course in modern life. Tweet me, blog me, text me. You can even call me, that is if you kids still do that.

Please, I don't want to start eating dinner at 4pm and complaining about the government...lousy crooks. Oh no, it's happening...