Cleaning Up Some Random Piles

One of the things I have learned since the economy chewed up and regurgitated my full time career roughly 2 1/2 years ago is that long holiday weekends are really more a nuissance to me now than a cause for celebration.

Not that I went out of my way to paint the town red, or any other hue for that matter, over a Fourth of July weekend even when I was doing the whole 9 to 5 thing. In fact, I probably did even less on those occasions than I do now just to decompress. I guess the primary difference was I actually had something to look forward to when the weekend was complete, even if I wasn't really looking forward to it (like going back to my dead-end job of clock watching). Lets just say this past weekend was not a really productive weekend for me on any level.

Besides confusing Thursday with Friday, Friday with Saturday, Saturday with Sunday, and Sunday with Saturday, I managed to watch all-day marathons of old TV series I have seen ad nauseum (I can still hear Gordon Ramsay yelling, "Oh my gawd, come on! Let's go, yes?" in my own personal Kitchen Nightmares rattling around in my sleep), grilled mountains of various red meats over a couple of days for a giant party of one (consuming a grand total of maybe two hamburgers and a few ears of corn and donating the rest to the wildlife fund I currently have residing in my backyard), participated in some convoluted, impromptu, townie tailgate party at my local grocery store parking lot to take-in a fireworks display, took photos at this Independence Day parade whose pacing rivaled most Chicago stop-and-go rush hour traffic jams, washed and subsequently stained all my light colored clothes in my town's unique laundry water supply (which I think consists of one part water and two parts marinara sauce and rust), and stared aimlessly into my computer screen all weekend trying to think of something meaningful to write - to no avail.

So I went to Plan B: The Larry King/USA Today Ramblefest concept. Those of you who still read newspapers (all four of you) or have seen the old SNL skit (all three of you) know what I'm talking about. To construct his columns, it seemed as though Larry would essentially throw a dart against a bulletin board full of current events and topics, invest a sentence or two of his own opinions (or when all else fails...borrow someone else's), rinse and repeat about fifteen times, and then for good measure interject an occasional deeply thoughtful quip that stands on it's own like, "I really like the way maple syrup pairs with banana pancakes."

I call it the ultimate writer's cop out...and right now I got nothing else for you! Consider the feel of my journalistic integrity officially copped.

* I would pay top dollar for a group photo of the participants of the National Conference of Governors from 2008. Think of that potential All-Star starting line-up (cue Ray Clay and the Alan Parson's Project music): At shooting guard from Alaska...Sarah Palin! At the other guard, former New York governor...Eliot Spitzer! Wait substituting for Spitzer, also from New York...David Paterson! (Wait...do we have this deep of a bench?) The man in the middle...of all his legal issues...from Illinois, Rod Blagojevich! At forward, from New Mexico...he'll pay to play...Bill Richardson! From South CAROLINA...Mark Sanford!

* It has been awhile since I've been in school but has the curriculum changed for English and Journalism majors to no longer include proofreading? Case in point: While previewing the upcoming Johnny Depp/Christian Bale biopic "Public Enemies", I witnessed not one, not two, but three media outlets (two different TV stations and one print publication) refer to the film as "Pubic Enemies". Perhaps they were referring to the old Buzz Kilman's Porn Emporium version of the movie; soon to be premiering alongside the re-releases of Throbbin' Wood or Carlito's Gay.

* A few years ago in a radio interview I heard former major league catcher Darren Daulton remark something to the effect of if you look at a digital clock it always reads 11:11. While I knew this had to be some sort of random, drug-enduced psychobabble he was spewing after his latest rehab stint, I have started to notice this phenomenon as well. The clock always does read 11:11 - not necessarily when it's 9:15 or 12:08 or whenever but when it actually is 11:11 it really does read 11:11! Weird.

* I hereby declare this day to be the end of the music industry. I recently heard a modern rock cover version of Wham's "Careless Whisper" by the band Seether on the radio - this on the coat tails of Disturbed's take on Genesis' "Land of Confusion" and some other non-descript, Jessica Simpson-esque sounding song ripping off the acoustic guitar baseline to America's "Ventura Highway". I realize this practice has been going on for decades and that musicians, producers, singers and songwriters are now officially out of ideas but come on! You kids leave our folksy 70's and campy 80's songs alone!

* Are all movies now made in 3-D?

* If Michael Jackson's debt situation is as dire as the media is reporting, and the demand for tickets to his public memorial in Los Angeles is so overwhelming, doesn't the situation cry out not only for the public sales of tickets but perhaps the addition of a second show? Maybe even an honest-to-goodness, real life "Farewell Tour"? I'm serious.

* Things that can't (or shouldn't) be grilled on the barbecue: lettuce, cheddar cheese, grapes, apple slices and Oreos. Things that can (and often will) be grilled on the barbecue: exposed arm hair and eyebrows.

* In the wake of Manny Ramirez's return to the L.A. Dodgers line-up after a 50-game wrist slapping for testing positive for a banned substance, Rafael Palmeiro said he could relate to Ramirez's plight of being wrongfully accused of doping. This from a guy who etched out a potential Hall-of-Fame career, proclaimed the integrity of his numbers and his innocence in front of Congress, subsequently tested positive for steroids later that year, and then said he unintentionally took steroids given to him by former teammate Miguel Tejada - mistakenly assuming they were nothing more than a B-12 shot. Not exactly the credible endorsement Ramirez was seeking. (This also gives me the opportunity to dust off this old nugget from my childhood. When at a baseball card show in Orange Park, Florida in 1989, Palmeiro when asked by a patron to personalize a signed photograph with "I promise to take it easy on the Yankees next year" asked that same person how to spell "easy". I know - because I was next in line behind this person!)

* Parallel lines perhaps? We had former President Bush throughout his Presidency advocating the need to invade and continue the fight in Iraq and Afghanistan with the ultimate goal of finding weapons of mass destruction in an effort to defeat terrorism for good. No weapons found - terrorists still abound. Shortly after his election, President Obama advocated for the need to pass the economic stimulus package for banks and large multi-national corporations to stabilize the economy, stating that failure to pass the stimulus would result in the unemployment rate climbing to 9.5% by mid-2010. Stimulus package passed - unemployment rate at 9.5%...and it's still 2009! Interesting.

* My cat has also begun "authoring" his own "My Piles of Stuff" blog all over my carpeting...only he leaves out the "B" in "BLOG". These are not the piles I was planning on sharing with the world.

* Things found during my weekend clean-it-up, throw-it-out fest: Coppertone sunblock from 2001, hamburger patties from April 2008, office keys from two of my previous jobs, my forgotten epic, four-part, comic book mini series "Groo vs. The Transformers" (written and drawn by your's truly circa 1986), some truly hideous Hawaiian shirts and a can of Chunky Soup with former All-Pro defensive end Reggie White on the front in a Green Bay Packers' jersey...keep in mind, he finished his career with the Carolina Panthers...and he's dead now. Also, is the fact that I never find anything good (like an original draft of the Bill of Rights or something even more surreal like an unopened six pack of Like cola circa 1982) when I clean out my closets more of an indictment of me personally or the fact that I am just too dumb to ever collect anything worthwhile? (Ten Michael Jordan rookie cards for a quarter a piece? P'shaw! Those will never be as valuable as my dozen 1988 Donruss Gregg Jefferies cards! eBay stock for $10 a share in 1998? Piss on that! Get me more Mark McGwire Roid-abilia and Princess Diana Beanie Babies!)

* By the way, if there is any positive at all to be derived from former Tennessee Titans' and Baltimore Ravens' quarterback Steve McNair's tragic death from multiple gunshot wounds this past weekend, it is that I hope it will finally convince my friend Dale not to waste a first round pick on him in our Fantasy Football draft this year.

* Not that I'm complaining about this but we haven't even seen a seven-day streak of consecutive 85+ degree days yet this summer and already I'm seeing Back to School signs and Christmas ornaments in stores!

* And, oh yeah, I love a good comfortable pair of socks on a Monday.

See Larry, anyone can do it.